Time for cheering up a little

 

My teenage daughter came home from school today and she was blazing mad.

 

“I’ve just done sex education in school today Dad, and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!”

 

I put down my newspaper and looked at her, “Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.”

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I love selling stuff on the Internet to people who don’t know me.

I’ve sold the same homing pigeon 24 times now.

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I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all.

 

“How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me.

 

“Nothing” I slurred.

 

“Look at me!” she shouted, “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

 

I paused for a second while I thought, and said, “It’s you, I can tell by the voice.”

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My biggest regret is my mother-in-law didn’t live long enough to attend my wedding. She was the one person who might have stopped it.

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A lumberjack applies for a job and gets called for an interview. The interviewer asks him, “So, what experience do you have?”

 

The lumberjack replies, “Well, I used to work in the Sahara Forest.”

 

The interviewer is a little taken aback and asks, “The Sahara Forest? Don’t you mean the Sahara Desert?”

 

The lumberjack says, “Yeah, that’s what they call it now.”

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I went to watch a topless ventriloquist last night. She was amazing; I never saw her lips move once.

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I walked into the dentist’s and said, “I think I’m a moth.”

 

The dentist said, “I don’t think you should be here. You need to see a psychiatrist.”

 

I said, “I am seeing a psychiatrist.”

 

He said, “If you are already seeing a psychiatrist, why are you doing here then?”

 

I said, “The light was on.”

 

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My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up. Guess who’s not allowed in my tree house any more.

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I’ve been dating this really attractive girl who’s a twin. My friend asked me how I tell them apart.

 

I said, “That’s easy – her brother has a beard and a long moustache.”

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My girlfriend left a note on the fridge. It said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”

 

I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What does she mean, ‘It’s not working?’

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A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband'

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for a luxury liner appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful idiots should remember fairies are female.