TIME FOR HUMOUR

 

It's time for some humour. When I feel a little down I just tell myself jokes to cheer me up. Some of them are a bit risqué so if you are easily offended please read them with your eyes closed.

There once was a ventriloquist sitting on the stage going through his routine. The dummy he was holding was telling one blonde joke after another ... "there was this blonde ..."

The audience laughed themselves to tears. Eventually a blonde woman had enough of these insults. She stood up and shouted, "Stop all these jokes. They are degrading and insulting to blondes everywhere. You should be ashamed!"

The ventriloquist stopped his act and said apologetically, "I'm sorry madam ... I meant no offence."

She replied, "I'm not talking to you ... I'm talking to the little man sitting on your knee."

Once upon a time there was a very old man living alone. He got a daily visit from the nurse who came in to check he is OK and generally check on his health.

As she left, the old man gave her a paper bag filled with Brazil nuts. They were nicely shelled, white and clean, and ready to enjoy. She took them gracefully and thanked him.

The next day the same thing happened. As she left, the old man gave the nurse another paper bag filled with Brazil nuts. 

This continued for about a week or so, to the point that the nurse shared the Brazil nuts with other nurses at the hospital. They all enjoyed them.

One day, as she was leaving the old man with yet another bag of Brazil nuts she said, "You must love these nuts a lot seeing that you buy so many!"

He replied, "No, actually I don't. My son buys them for me every day and I don't want to hurt his feelings. The nuts are too hard for me to eat. I just suck the chocolates from them and put them back in the bag!"

I was at the pub with Harry the other day. A drunk guy passed out at a table nearby and fell to the floor. The bartender ask Harry if we could drive him home. He lives not far away.

We take the man's address, and Harry and I walk over and try to wake the drunk man. But he is groggy and quite drunk. We help him to his feet, but he falls to the floor in a crashing heap.

We take the drunk by the arm and practically drag him out to the car. Once there, we lean him against the side of the car while Harry looks for his keys. The man slides down to the ground again. Harry finds his keys and manages to get the man positioned in the car. He then drives to the address. Harry opens the passenger door and helps the drunk out; but the guy falls to the ground again! 

We both help him to his feet and practically drag him to the front door. Harry lets go of the man to knock on the door and the guy falls down once again. We help him to his feet just as the man's wife answers the door. "Hi Madam, Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so we gave him a ride home." 

"That was nice of you," she says, looking around, "But where's his wheelchair?"

 It's a Joke folks. A joke. Is it in bad taste? I did warn those who are likely to be offended to keep their eyes shut. How about a Christian joke to finish off with?

They brought a woman to Jesus who had been caught committing adultery. They wanted to stone her to death as is their custom. "What's going on here, anyway?" He asked.

"This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.

"Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

Suddenly, a stone came down from the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head. 

Looking up Jesus cried, "Do you mind God, I'm trying to make a point here!"

Now over to you. Post your jokes in the comments box below.