Sir Laugh-A-Lot

 

Last night I was walking down the street when I saw a guy trying to grab an old lady’s purse, so I ran over to help. We got it off her eventually.

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I went for a job interview today and the interviewer said to me, “According to your CV, you’re really quick at mental arithmetic.”

I said, “Yes, that’s right.”

He asked me, “Okay, what’s eighteen multiplied by nineteen?”

I replied, “Thirty-nine.”

He said, “No, that’s not even close.”

I said, “No, but it was quick.”

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I’m worried my wife is getting forgetful. She’s just told me she can’t remember what she ever saw in me.

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My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my home, then I got a ride from the delivery guy. Cheaper than a taxi and I got a pizza as well.

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In the furniture store, the sales guy told me the sofa would sit five people without any problems. Then it occurred to me, I don’t know five people without any problems. Have you got a problem? Come round so we can discuss it.

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A guy is walking through the woods one day when he comes across a suitcase. He takes a look inside, only to find a fox and her cubs.

So he rings the Animal Welfare people and tells the woman who answers what he’s found. She says, “Oh, that’s horrible. Are they moving?”

The guy replies, “I don’t know, but that would explain the suitcase.”

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A student reports for her university final exam which consists mainly of  true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.

"I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."

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This woman’s husband had been ill in hospital for several months. He is sadly nearing the end but she remained faithfully by his bedside every single day.

 

Then one day, he motioned for her to come nearer to him.

 

As she moved closer and sat beside him, with eyes filling with tears he whispered into her ear, “You know what? You’ve been with me through all the tough times. When I got fired from my job, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there for me. When I got shot during a hunting accident, you were by my side all the time. When we lost the house, you stayed right here with me. And even when my health started failing, you were still by my side … You know what?”

 

“What dear,” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth, her eyes welling with tears.

 

He said, “I think you’re bad luck …”

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My wife said she’s leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants.

Guess I won’t be needing those any more.

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My boss pulled up to work in a beautiful new top-of-the-range car today.

I complimented him on it and he said to me, “Well, if you get your head down and work hard, set goals and stay committed to them, be determined and work long hours…. maybe next year I can get an even better one.”