Agony Uncle Vic

 

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VICTOR S E MOUBARAK

AGONY UNCLE

 

Dear Agony Uncle,

This is the first time I write in to your Newspaper Column. I am a woman over 35 years old and, not to put too fine a point on it, I fear I am not as attractive as I once was when I go on a date. Any advice?

Dear Anonymous First-time Writer,

Fear not. They say the sands of times in an hour glass go down not up. Your problem happens to most of us, men and women, and there is nothing much you can do. We all have wrinkles and grey hairs as we age.

Whatever you do, do not go for the option my friend did. When he went on a strict diet to lose weight he ended up with a lot of loose skin hanging about his body in the chest and lower area. So he went for a treatment where they "pull up" the loose skin up his body a bit at a time, and they stretch the skin upwards so much that any extra skin is then somehow tied up and hidden behind the back of his neck. It worked so well that now he looks twenty years younger. Unfortunately, his bellybutton (navel) is on his forehead. He also has an unusual tie too.

Dear Uncle Vic,

As a newly married man, I get embarrassed when I go to the rest room and break wind noisily. My wife could hear me. What do you suggest I do?

Dear Thunderblast,

Such foods like beans, sprouts and cabbage tend to create gaseous substances therein which need to come out noisily. I suggest you take a radio with you to the rest room and play it loudly to cover up other unwanted sounds. I recommend playing "Blowing in the wind" by Bob Dylan is very effective in this respect.

Dear Agony Vic,

I live in an apartment block and the walls here are too thin. To get straight to the point - I cannot sleep at night because I hear the young couple living next door making very personal noises from their bedroom. I have tried sleeping with my head under the pillow to no effect. What do you suggest?

Dear Sleepless Nights,

What you are doing is very dangerous. I knew a man who slept with his head under the pillow and the Tooth Fairy took out all his teeth.

Dear Agony Uncle,

I am writing to you from hospital. The instructions on the Quick Cook Rice packet said: "Take one sachet from the packet and stand in boiling water for 5 minutes." I did just that and burnt my feet.

Dear Master Cook,

 I think instructions on food packets should be clear for any idiot to understand.

Dear Uncle Vic,

My dog has chewed the postman's hat. What shall I do?

Dear Careless Dog Owner,

Keep your dog under control and take responsibility for your dog's and your actions. Buy him Woof Woof Dog Food. It is the only dog food that tastes of a postman's leg!

Dear Know-it-all Agony Column Man,

I did not like the way you responded to my last letter about my dog's behaviour. In fact I do not like your attitude!

Dear Dog Owner,

It is not my 'at he chewed; it's the postman's hat he chewed!

Dear Agony Uncle,

I am caught in a heart-breaking situation like in the song "Torn between two lovers" by Mary MacGregor  I have fallen in love with two men. One of them is young, my age really, he is a multi-millionaire, drives a Lamborghini, lives in a palace and adores me very much. The other one is 65 years old, he is very poor, he is an archaeologist, and says he loves me very much. I love them both, but do not know who I should marry. What do you think?

Dear Lover,

I think you should marry the archaeologist because the older you get the more interested he will be in you.

Dear Vic,

We have ants in our house and cannot get rid of them. We have tried everything. Can you help?

Dear Ant Invasion,

Indeed I can help. Get a flat stone. Place on it a mixture of sugar and pepper. The ants will be attracted by the sugar, breathe in the pepper, sneeze, and knock themselves dead against the stone. 

Dear Agony Uncle Vic,

Whenever I drink something hot like tea or coffee I get a sharp pain in my eye. Should I visit an optician for this?

Dear Ivor Pain,

I suggest you take the spoon out of the cup before drinking.

Any problems that weigh heavily on your mind can be discussed in all confidence, in the Comments box below. I'll try my best to help.