Monday 13 January 2020

Are You Left-Handed?


"Yes Madam ... how may I help you?"

"Can you direct me to the Left Handed Peoples Society please?"

"Down the corridor. First door on your right!"

"On the right? I would have thought it would be on the left."

"Only if you are coming down the stairs, Madam."

"Down the stairs? This building has only one floor."

"In winter Madam. Only in winter."

"Hein?"

"In winter the building has one floor. A lot of things shrink when it's cold. They get smaller. Ask your husband."

"Ah ... yeees ..."

"First door down the right Madam!"

                                                                       ***

"Hello ... is this the Left Handed Peoples Society?"

"Are you left handed Madam?"

"No ... but I would like to be!"

"Why do you want to be left handed? Life is difficult for left handed people. Everyone thinks we are peculiar."

"Oh dear ... I am sorry to hear it."

"Everything is made for right handed people. Scissors for instance. They cut all right if you are right handed. Try using them if you are left handed. Difficult. Screws and screw drivers. They are made for right handed people. Have you seen a left handed screw driver? Does not exist. Everyone turns the screw clockwise to get it in and anti-clockwise to get it out. You can't do that with a normal screw driver if you are left handed. Computer mice ... made for right handed people. Guitars ... the same. Knives and fork ... the same. They always place them on the table the wrong way round for us left handers. Spoons. The same. Try eating soup if you are left handed. It all ends up in your ear rather than your mouth. Try spooning someone in bed ... sorry ... my mind wandered a little there ... it happens if you are left handed ..."

"Oh my ... I did not know it was that difficult ..."

"It is ... did you know that per capita, as a percentage that is ... there are more left handed people in Britain than any where else in the world ... they are peculiar that way ... well ... they are peculiar generally in Britain. Not like us."

"Oh?"

"Yes Madam. That is why they drive on the left hand side of the road. Peculiar. And when they reach a round-about on the road they go round it clockwise. When they start marching it is always left foot first. The same when dancing ... You know ... Put your left foot in ... Your left foot out ... Your left foot in ... And shake it all about. I'm not sure what it is they are shaking all about, but I bet they shake it to the left. Peculiar those Brits."

"How peculiar!"

"It certainly is. So I would not recommend you become left handed Madam. Not unless you intend to move to Britain!"

"Will I have to wear a pinned-striped suit, and a bowler hat and carry an umbrella?"

"Most certainly Madam. Also you must wear a tie with your pyjamas in bed! Very formal, those Brits."

"But I don't wear pyjamas in bed ..."

"Too much information!"

NOTE: Over to you readers. Do you wear a tie in bed? I do.

DISCLAIMER: No left-handed people have been harmed in the writing of this article. As authenticated by the Left Handed Peoples Society. An organisation limited by guarantee from all liabilities by the Ambidextrous Anonymous Association. Any similarities between characters or situations in this article and people alive or dead are purely coincidental and do not refer to anyone in particular whether left or right handed or ambidextrous. The writers would like to stress that buildings do not in fact shrink in winter, unlike other things and materials, and that readers should not try this at home for personal safety reason. For example, do NOT attempt to go upstairs if you live in a one-level building, or for that matter, do NOT attempt to go downstairs if you live in a similar one-level building. No liability will be admitted or accepted for injuries sustained in such eventualities, or any other eventualities, by the writers of this article. Readers who are susceptible to be easily influenced, or with a tendency to try things out for themselves, should not read this article in the first place. Similarly, readers with a nervous disposition, or lacking in humour, should not read this article either. The writers sympathise with left-handed people and treat them in similar treatment as right-handed people or indeed ambidextrous ones. The writers stress that they are totally devoid of any prejudice whatsoever since they dislike everyone equally. This article has been written for entertainment and amusement only and should not be taken seriously, or with water, or any other hot, cold, or variable temperature liquids in order to avoid accidents and potential injuries. If you have been affected in any way by reading this article then seek help from a professional rather than seek compensation from the writers. Take responsibility for your actions rather than blame your behaviour on someone else. No one in his right sense, or left sense for that matter, would attempt to go up, or down, in a one-level building and then blame someone else for injuries incurred. It is similarly stressed that the wearing of ties, or any other article of clothing, or indeed no article of clothing at all, in bed is purely optional and the writers do not recommend, or advise, nor indeed encourage any particular choice the individual would wish to make. Whether you are left or right handed, or indeed ambidextrous, then good luck to you. The same applies regardless of what you wear or do not wear in bed at night, or at any other time of the day. Live life as happily as you can. Take care. Look after each other. Be kind to everyone, and GO AWAY!

30 comments:

  1. I remember when they used to try to make left handers write right handed. It was like left is wrong. Glad things have changed.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, it's good this has changed.

      God bless, Sandi.

      Delete
  2. I noticed in your disclaimer that you left nothing out. :)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. The disclaimer is now longer than the actual article. This is because I have been told that left handed-people are very litigious. I am not sure if this is true so I thought I'd better be safe.

      Additional Disclaimer: The above comment does not necessarily imply that left-handed people are more litigious than any other people, but has been made as a defence for the fact that the afore-mentioned disclaimer within the body of the original article is in itself longer and more wordy than the article itself. Any similarities between left-handed people and people who are by their very nature more litigious than other people are purely coincidental and no inference should be made in this respect.

      Thank you, Bill, for pointing out an original omission from my original disclaimer. I hope this has now been remedied by my legal advisor who are costing me a fortune in legal fees. Perhaps it would have been cheaper not to write the article in the first place.

      God bless you Bill, my friend.

      Delete
  3. Replies
    1. The word "Ha" has been taken to imply mirth and satisfaction with the article in question rather than an utterance of dismay or disdain regarding anything that has been written or inadvertently implied in the original article about left-handedness in general or left-handed people in particular. Should the writer of the word "Ha" wish to convey another sentiment or meaning by utterance of this particular word perhaps he or she would contact the writers of the original article on left-handedness who will be pleased to correct any misinterpretations of the word "Ha".

      God bless you, R.

      Delete
  4. You may be right handed, but you think like a southpaw.

    I do some things lefty and some right. If it involves something physical like throwing a ball I am righty, if it involves something more cerebral like writing, I am lefty.

    Left handed pitchers and bowlers always throw better curve balls that righty. My theory is the body's organs are on the left side giving the lefty thrower more weight on the throwing side and that gives them extra spin.

    I do have trouble reading your posts as I read left handed.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There may be some logic in your theory about the body organs being on the left of the body. As for reading, I usually read the words from left to right. I tried once reading every line from right to left but it did not make much sense.

      God bless, JoeH.

      Delete
  5. Too funny, I throw left, but write, right... I think that was simply how I chose to mimic those around me when learning how to write. Wasn't until I was playing ball in pee-wee league that everyone was watching me catch a ball and pull my glove off to throw that we realized I was primarily left hand dominant. I had played bass guitar... I wonder how good I could have been if it was a left handed bass.... or if I would have just practiced more.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I guess a lot of people have one preference for writing and another for manual dexterity like throwing a ball. At home I usually sleep and wake up on the left hand side of the bed. Once whilst travelling, in a hotel, as an experiment, I tried getting up on the right hand side of the bed and I fell out of the window.

      God bless, Ryan.

      Delete
  6. As a mother of two left handed children I really appreciate the humor in your post! Have a wonderful day!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is because my humour is left handed, Cathy.

      God bless you and your family.

      Delete
  7. Our youngest son is left handed. Out of our four children he is the only left handed one.
    We never tried to change this.
    Even though your post made me lol...it is a problem for left handers in a right handed world.
    Great post Victor.

    God Bless 💮

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes Jan. It truly is a problem for left handers, especially with equipment designed for right handed use.

      God bless you and yours.

      Delete
  8. My mother is a lefty, Victor, so I've always been sensitive to left-handed people, and how society looks askance at them from time to time. Thanks for the chuckle today!
    Blessings!

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    Replies
    1. So glad you enjoyed this serious subject in a light-hearted vein, Martha.

      God bless.

      Delete
  9. My parents had 8 children, (6 girls, 2 boys) and ONLY ONE is 'left-handed'; and she is a twin. In cases of identical twins, where one is 'right-handed' and the other is 'left-handed', is apparently, referred to as being "Mirror Twins". I too, became sensitive to the plight of 'left-handed' people having to live in a 'right-handed' world. Surely, there must be a "Society for Left-Handed People" somewhere in this World -- and IF ANYWHERE -- I'm pretty darned sure that such a Society MUST exist in Britain!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wonder what is the percentage of left-handed people in the world.

      God bless, Suzanne.

      Delete
  10. Cute! I consider myself left-handed; but like Joeh, I perform some tasks right, some left. It's difficult -- if not impossible -- to write my name or use a fork with my right-hand. On the flip side? (Disclaimer:) I certainly don't intend to shoot anyone, but if push came to shove I'd make sure the gun was in my right hand.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Careful Mevely. If the gun is in your right hand you might miss and shoot your left hand instead. It would be easier having a right handed person holding the gun and you using your left hand to guide his right hand as to where you wish to shoot. This has the added advantage of blaming someone else for doing the shooting.

      (Thinks) This conversation is getting silly. And my expensive lawyer is busily writing more disclaimers. This whole article and the comments that followed are meant in jest only and are not to be taken seriously. Except to say that we sympathise with all left-handed people and hold them in as much regards as we do right-handed people - i.e. we dislike them all equally.

      Thank you Mevely for helping to confuse the issue even more. God bless you always my friend.

      Delete
  11. We do have a few left handers in the family … and over the years, especially school days, it wasn't too easy living in a right handed world.
    I seem to recall many years ago many schools insisted that all children write right handed, I'm so pleased that things have now changed.

    All the best Jan

    ReplyDelete
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    1. You are right, Jan. In Olden Days schools insisted children wrote with their right hand. It can be difficult for left handed people to use certain tools and equipment.

      God bless.

      Delete
  12. Ken is left handed. As Jan said years ago many schools insisted all be right handed. Ken went to one of those schools for a short while.

    When we first got a computer years ago Ken and I shared it. I got tired of moving the mouse from the left to the right side. So I practiced and became a left handed mouse user. When we finally got our own computers I was so used to using my left hand that I've just kept it up.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Mice are one of the many equipment designed for right handed users. In the UK we drive on the left. This means the driver's seat is on the right hand side of the car. So all the equipment, like the gear stick or automatic equipment are used by the driver's left hand.

      God bless.

      Delete
  13. Are left handed people left brained or right brained?

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    1. I was thinking the same thing, Chris. Do left handed people think and act differently from the rest? Are they in any way better, worse, or the same as other people?

      God bless.

      Delete
  14. You forgot to mention how left-handed people have a devil of a time using a spiral notebook, and how their pinky finger smears through the ink of the words they've just written.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's true, Kathy. They also have difficulty going up or down a spiral staircase.

      God bless.

      Delete
  15. This right handed person is married to a left hander and has 4 left handed children, all of whom she had to teach to tie shoes and hold a pencil. Thanks for the laughs!

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    1. Wow ... five left handed people in one family? Makes you wonder if it is in any way passed on through generations.

      God bless you and yours, Mimi.

      Delete

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God bless you.