Wednesday, 12 February 2020
It's all about the ears.
Whenever I went out shopping with my parents and got too tired walking they would walk each side of me and pick me up from my ears. This did not help reduce their size at all. My parents were still the same size and my ears got stretched even more.
It was just as embarrassing when we went to the cinema. People behind me used to complain that they could not see the screen because of my ears. So my parents eventually had my ears pierced so that people could see the screen through them.
In really hot summers my family used to picnic in the garden and I used to stand there turning my head left and right to create a cooling fresh breeze.
At school the children used to tie a rope round my waist and run ahead to see if I would fly like Dumbo the Flying Elephant.
When we went to the zoo an elephant tried to adopt me by pulling me through the bars with its trunk. Luckily my big ears got stuck and saved me.
At Christmas my uncle gave me a roll of double-sided sticky tape as a gift to pull back my sticking out ears.
Eventually my parents sold our dog and the lawnmower to pay for my ears to be operated on. I had the operation on one ear. Unfortunately the doctor died shortly afterwards.
So for a while I had an ear looking normal and the other still sticking out. At the slightest breeze I used to spin round like a hotel revolving door.
My parents could not afford a sailing boat. So they set off to sea in a bath tub with me sitting at the back catching the wind with my big ear. Alternatively, they would put my head under water and use my big ear as a rudder.
At school playing hide and seek I could never find the other kids hiding behind my ear.
No one loved me as a teenager. Out of sympathy my dad wrote to one of those Dating Agencies to see if they could find me a girl-friend. He wrote: Man with large right ear seeks woman with large left ear. Object - stereo!
Eventually I found a girl friend. I thought she really loved me. I was wrong. Apparently her umbrella broke and all she wanted was somewhere to shelter from the rain.
I was even an inspiration to William Shakespeare when he wrote: Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your big ear.
Ehm ... I seem to have run out of material about ears. Any suggestions? About any part of the body which is big ... nose ... mouth ... teeth ... tummy ... hand ... feet ... anything else???