Wednesday 23 September 2020

Return To Sender ...


We have received a letter from aunt Elma. She writes from time to time, as well as phone. Maybe I should send the letter back with the inscription: Return to sender.  

Anyway ... here is the letter:

Dear Nephew and Niece and little ones.

I tried to phone you the other day but then I thought twice about it. In fact I thought more than twice. I just could not face that woman’s voice on your answer thing you have on your phone. She sounds so pompous and full of herself. I know it is only a voice, as Vic explained, but I imagine her with big bosoms full of herself in her posh accent.

I spoke to Jim about it, and he said I should write instead. I keep thinking she will open the letter and read it first before you do. It reminds me when our Quentin was young and still living at home. He often said he hates it when I invade his privacy. I’d read it in his diary.

Our Jim had quite a week lately. This week like. On Wednesday he was stopped by the police at 10 at night as he was coming home from the pub. A bit early for him I must say. The Police Officer asked him, "Where were you between 4 and 6?" Jim replied, "Kindergarten."

He was nearly arrested for being drunk in charge of stupidity. But they let him go.

It was sunny yesterday and they said on the TV it would be a lovely day for this time of year in Glasgow. When I went out I took my umbrella. I am an optimist. But I'm an optimist who takes her raincoat as well. But when I got to the shop I discovered I forgot my purse. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

I remember when I was young. I started out with nothing ... I still have most of it. That’s life, isn’t it? It was all so different before everything changed. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. It's hard to make a comeback in life when you haven't been anywhere.

Our Jim took up a new hobby at his old age. He and Fred from down the road have taken up bird watching. I mean the feathered ones; not women. After pub the other night they went through the park on the way home and heard an owl cry. They decided to find where it was so they separated. Fred went by the cemetery whilst my Jim went by the water fountain and hid behind the bushes. He hooted once or twice to see what would happen. The owl hooted back. Jim hooted again. This went on for some twenty minutes until both of them realised they were hooting at each other.

When Jim told me about it and he came home all his clothes dirty from him lying behind the bushes I could have hit him with the frying pan, but I did not want to damage it. It cost £4 ten years ago when I bought it. 

Instead I went to my room and prayed to God. I said:  Lead me not into temptation - I can find the way myself.

Good bye for now. I was going to send you a photo of me and Jim but I have already sealed the envelope.


Elma and Jim


  1. ...this aunt of yours is quite the communicator!

    1. Yes Tom. Thankfully she has no computer. So no e-mails.

      God bless.

  2. Dearest Victor,
    Haha, she proves not only to be FAR better at writing, but also in many other things!
    In Dutch we say: You literally can't tie a rope to it...

  3. At last, your aunt is communicating with you in a way SHE understands - a good, old-fashioned letter. :)
    Blessings, Victor!

    1. Yes Martha, but her life still seems to be ... well, a bit crazy.

      God bless always.

  4. Oh, that Auntie Elma! Perhaps she deserves her own sit-com ... or a series? I, too, have been known to visualize someone based on his or her voice. Like the disk jockey my girlfriends and I once fantasized about ..... and were later astonished.

    1. You're right, she is a sit-com in her own rights. She keeps referring to the answering-machine as my big bosomed friend. I hope my wife does not hear her say that.

      God bless you always, Mevely.

  5. Your aunt is quite the word herder. She has lots to say, I wonder if people appreciate that or get annoyed.

    1. She can be entertaining without even realising it. Some of her sayings are legend.

      God bless you Bill.

  6. Mercy, but after reading a letter like that, i might need a short lie down!

    1. I bet she taught Shakespeare to write!

      God bless, Mimi.



God bless you.