I confess

 

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned ... actually ... I can't think of any sins.

How long has it been since your last Confession?

A long time ... years.

And you can't think of any sins you may have committed?

Not really, Father. I'm a good person really. I go to church regularly and don't do any harm to anyone.

How about a little humility?

I don't know how to be humble. I'm OK and good and don't really sin.

Let's consider the Ten Commandments.

Well, I have not killed anyone, or stolen from a bank, or done anything bad. In fact I haven't done anything else in the Commandments.

How about the Commandment to love one's neighbour?

Oh I love all my neighbours. Those on either side and those opposite across the road. I say Hello to them every now and then. They keep to themselves and I do the same. That's how I like it. You could say I love them from afar. It's the same with most people; I love them all as long as they don't bother me.

It sounds like you tolerate people rather than care for them.

Oh, I care for them all right. I care for all people really. I just keep myself to myself and look after my family, wife and children and don't bother anyone else.

Indifference is not really caring is it?

You're trying to make me look bad, Father. I just don't like to get involved. I'm busy enough as I am working all hours. Of course I care when I see bad things on TV, but there's got to be a limit to one's ability to care. Everywhere you look things are going wrong, politics, poverty, wars, disasters, the environment and all that. I can't be responsible for all this. I care that it happens and get on with my life.

Why did you come to Confession?

My wife forced me to. She said it's either that or else.

DISCLAIMER: Article written for entertainment purposes only. Any similarities to views you may hold, or actions you may have participated in, are coincidental and in no way attributable to anyone. 

My confession

 

I don't know about you, but I must confess I am addicted to collecting Beatles albums. I think I need HELP!

I read somewhere that an apple a day keeps the doctor away. So I threw it at him and it kept him away for longer.

Did you know that I ran a dating agency for chickens? At the end I was struggling to make hens meet.

I am studying genetics by correspondence course; specialising in cloning techniques. If I don't perfect human cloning I won't be able to live with myself.

I tried studying ancient history. My poor knowledge of Greek mythology was my Achilles heel.

I went out for a drive yesterday. I didn't realise I was a bad driver until the lady in the satellite navigation system said, "A few yards ahead, please stop and let me out of the car!"

I went along to the local Kleptomaniacs Anonymous and found that all the seats were taken. 

We had a garage sale last week. I sold our vacuum cleaner. It was only gathering dust. 

This morning I met Henri. He is a Private Investigator. He was hiding behind a lamp post. Even though it was a beautiful day he was carrying an open umbrella. He told me he was undercover.

On her birthday my wife told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy ... so I got drunk.

My grandfather told me that he saw the Titanic all those years ago. He warned the people that the ship would sink but no one believed him or listened to him. He was a brave man and did not give up. He continued warning people several times again and again that the ship would sink. Eventually they threw him out of the cinema. 

I like romantic movies. In the cinema I always like to hold hands, which often startles the strangers sitting next to me.

And another confession ...

 

Forgive me Father for I have sinned.

Oh ... it's you again.

Yes Father, it is Alphonse ... I normally sit right at the front pew.

I know ...

It's been a week since my last confession.

I recall it well. I suggested then that you seek medical attention. Your doctor perhaps, or even a psychiatrist.

Yes that's right ... I wrote it here in my notebook. Do you want to see it?

No ... ... ...  so, what did you do? Have you been to see the doctor?

Not really ... 

What do you mean not really? You either did see a doctor, or better still a psychiatrist or you didn't.

I didn't!

Why not?

Well, I thought I'd go on the Jerry Springer Show instead.

What? Whatever for?

Well ... he might be interested in my condition ... he is good at this sort of thing ... he has people on his show with various problems and he is good at talking to them. And he always ends the show with some good words! He says 'Take care of yourselves and each other!' You never say that in confession. Have you seen his show? The audience often sing ... Jerry ... Jerry ...

Is he a doctor?

No.

A psychiatrist?

No.

What does your wife think of this?

About my problem or about me wanting to go on the Jerry Springer Show to talk about it?

Well ... both!

She is worried about my problem but excited about going on the Jerry Springer Show. She has bought a new dress to wear if we go on the show. New shoes too!

Look my son, my job here, which is badly paid I might add, is to hear your sins, dish out some advice, and absolve you if you really repent. Technically, you are not committing a sin as such. Although you are getting pretty close to it, if I remember well what I was taught in seminary. But I honestly think you should seek medical attention.

Do you want a ticket to the Jerry Springer Show, if I get on it that is?

No I don't ... thank you. I shall pray for you ... and your wife!

Bye Father ... ... ...Isn't life exciting?

My secret confession

I think one of the great difficulties of being a Catholic and having to go to Confession is that your local priest, who no doubt knows you from your voice, will eventually build up a picture in his mind of the type of person you are.

I mean ... can you imagine me going to my usual church, where we only have one priest, so there's no chance of spreading my sins around, and telling the same guy every time what I have done ... again!

Let's face it; how can I actually tell him that I fall asleep during his sermons?

(I don't really ... just an example to demonstrate a Catholic dilemma. Although I'll admit to noticing other people asleep, or pretending to be thinking, whilst the sermon is on. In my case, falling asleep is quickly followed by a sharp elbow in the ribs).

No ... my sin is somewhat worse than falling asleep during a sermon. I just could not bring myself to tell our priest about it. He would not see me in the same light ever again.

In order to get round this technical difficulty I decided to do something else. Now I am not sure whether this is allowed in the Catechism or not. I haven't checked.

When I was in London recently on a business trip I decided to go to a church and confess there. The priest doesn't know me ... simple. Tell him my secret sin and go away.

I told the priest in Confession that I find it difficult to be a Christian because I simply do not like people. I am not prejudiced you see. I don't like people in general.

Now before you take offence at this, let me quickly explain.

I don't like certain people mostly ... most of the time ... most of them. I like some people, of course, but not all of them.

I don't like my boss for instance because he is always in a bad mood and thinks of nothing else other than of profits and productivity.

I don't like most of my colleagues because I have nothing or little in common with them. I don't talk football with them, cricket, rugby or any other sport because I don't like sport. I don't talk politics because I know I am right and they are always wrong. I don't talk about anything else with them because none of them likes the arts, opera, ballet, the theatre or can discuss Édouard Manet's "Le Déjeuner sur l'herbe".

I don't like the newsagent where I get my papers because he is pompous and pretends to know everything. But I have to go there because he is near where I live.

I don't like the barman in our pub because ... I don't know ... I just don't like him.

I don't like the mother-in-law because of ... many reasons. In fact I like her from afar. The further away she lives, and stays there, the more I like her.

So you see why I could not confess this sin to my priest. He'd think I don't like him either.

Anyway, I told this in Confession to an unknown priest in London. He told me I should try harder to like everybody because God commanded us to love one another. Jesus loved everyone He met. He loved them so much that He forgave them when hanging on the Cross.

I told the priest that Jesus loved everyone because He was God. God is love. Jesus was Divine. There is no way we can love as Jesus does because we are not gods. We are humans with human failings.

He thought I was making excuses and told me to try harder to like everyone.

I told him, surely there are some people he most probably does not like. The Bishop for instance. Or a fellow priest. Or some parishioners. Especially the pompous snooty ones that most churches seem to have.

He thought about this and confessed, perhaps unwisely, he did not like it when the Bishop addressed him by his surname. Or when one of his fellow priests has too short sermons. Or the parishioner who believes she is an expert at flower arranging. Or the choir leader who thinks she is a prima donna at the opera.

It was a long Confession. And we agreed we cannot be like Jesus, but we should try.

I wonder who he will confess his sins to? Maybe he'll visit my church and confess to my priest.

No Confessions Here

It was Saturday morning and Father Ignatius had just got out of the confessional when Benjamin hurried into the church and asked the priest “Father, would you hear my confession please?”

“Do I have to?” asked the priest.

“Hein?” muttered Benjamin, “I am sorry I am late Father …”

“It’s got nothing to do with your lateness,” answered the priest, then, looking around to see that the church was empty he sat down on one of the pews and invited Benjamin to do the same.

“The thing is,” continued Father Ignatius, “I know exactly what you are going to confess. Week in week out you come here and it is the same old sins.

“Let me guess. You’ve lost your temper with your wife … again. You’ve been impatient with your children and scolded them unnecessarily ... again. And you gave the finger to drivers who cut you off on the road. Am I right?”

“Well …” Benjamin hesitated, “I gave the finger to only one driver. So it’s an improvement I think …”

“That is not the point,” continued the priest with a smile to show that he was not being over critical, “what I am trying to say Benjamin, is that when we come to confession we should be sorry for our sins and for hurting Our Lord, and we should resolve not to repeat our sins.

“If we come back every week with the same sins it means that we were not serious at the previous confession …”

“Or that we’re weak …” interrupted Benjamin.

“Yes …” agreed the priest, “and you’re not alone in this Benjamin. You’d be surprised how often people come confessing the same sins over and again … Sometimes I can guess the sins once I recognise the voice of the person kneeling at the confessional.

“Let me explain … do you remember when the people brought to Jesus a woman caught in adultery and they wanted to stone her? When Jesus said let those with no sin throw the first stone, and when every one of them had left, He said to the woman ‘go and sin no more.’

“He did not mean do not sin any more sins ever throughout your entire life. Jesus knew that she, being human, being weak as you’ve just pointed out, will inevitably sin again. We are all susceptible to sin.

“What Jesus meant is, do not sin this particular sin any more because it will get you in deep trouble with the authorities and with God Himself.

“And that’s what I am saying to you. And to everyone who comes to the confessional for that matter. At the very least we should all make a serious effort not to repeat the sins we have just confessed and resolved not to sin again.”

“I understand,” mumbled Benjamin.

“And in saying so” smiled the priest, “I am not encouraging you to go out there and sin some novel new sins just to entertain me and to bring variety to the confessional!”

Benjamin laughed.

“Seriously though,” continued Father Ignatius, “we’re all sinners … even me as a priest would you believe. And in seeking God’s forgiveness we should at least try our hardest not to offend Him again.

“Now go in peace, you are absolved. That is unless you have some new serious sins which you want to confess!”

Benjamin went away feeling much lighter than when he came in and having learnt a real lesson at this most unusual confession.

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I'm running out of priests ...

 

Father Ignatius usually waited at the door of the church to greet the parishioners on Sunday as they left after Mass. He noticed that for the last few weeks there was a new face amongst his flock. A man in his mid-thirties, always alone, speaking to no one and leaving in a posh new car. Unlike the old rusty cars that normally frequent this church in a poor desolate town hit hard by the downturn of the economy.

One Sunday, the priest introduced himself to the newcomer as he was leaving church.

"You're new here," he said, "welcome to our parish. I am Father Ignatius!"

"Hello Father," replied the man, "how remiss of me not to introduce myself. Perhaps we can go somewhere to talk. After the congregation has all left, that is."

Minutes later, both men were sitting in Father Ignatius' office enjoying a cup of coffee and biscuits.

"I'm not from this town," explained the man, "although I have been visiting churches in this town, and others, for the last six months or so. I visit a church for a few Sundays and then move on to another one."

"I see," replied the priest with a smile, "you're not like one of those Michelin or Egon Ronay people who visit restaurants and publish guides giving each restaurant a number of stars depending on quality, are you?"

The man smiled. "No," he said, "not quite like that. But I am searching for a priest actually, rather than a church!"

"I don't understand," replied Father Ignatius,"what is this priest's name? Perhaps I know him."

"You see Father," continued the man, "I am running out of priests to confess to. I want, and need, to confess to a priest I can trust and respect. And sadly, there aren't many around these days!"

Father Ignatius was taken aback by the man's response but thought it prudent to say nothing. He picked up the pot of coffee and replenished the man's cup as well as his.

The man continued.

"Let me explain, in the first church I used to attend the priest there used to preach about the sanctity of marriage. How marriage is a Holy Sacrament and it is for ever; and how divorce is wrong.

"I was married at the time and we went to that church for some time, my wife and I.

"Then things went wrong and we divorced. The priest tried his best, to be fair, to get us to reconcile and to save the marriage. But it didn't work out and we divorced.

"He warned me about the Catholic Church's position regarding divorce, re-marriage or even co-habiting with another woman; and explained how difficult it would be to get an annulment of the marriage from the Church.

"Anyway ... I continued to go to that church for a year or so. Then we discovered that this very priest had an affair with a parishioner and that he was leaving the priesthood to marry her.

"I saw him a few months later in the street. I asked him how come marriage is for ever and he can leave the priesthood when he feels like it? He replied that circumstances change! What sort of answer is that?"

Father Ignatius said nothing. It was obvious that this man had a lot on his chest he wanted to get off; and that he was indeed very angry at what seemed to him to be double standards.

"In another church I moved to after that," the man went on, "in conversation, the priest there told me that he did not like the wine because it made him dizzy. I asked him what wine, and he said, the wine in church.

"I was amazed. I said hesitantly that this is not wine, it is the Blood of Christ.

"He smiled and said to me, yes ... some people like to believe so. It is all symbolism, really!

"How can a Catholic priest believe and say something like that openly, Father? It makes me so angry. How can the Catholic Church have priests who believe such a thing? Why don't they make them leave the Church rather than spread their personal beliefs? In another church the priest said he preferred to celebrate Mass in Latin, and with his back to the congregation; like in the old days. He said the current Catholic thinking is wrong."

Father Ignatius was about to speak when the man continued, somewhat irritated.

"I left that church too after a while. In another church the priest there preached from the pulpit that Catholics should be responsible and not breed like rabbits. His very words. When he was asked later whether he condoned contraceptives he said 'NO' and people should use the rythm method instead. What's that? Having a rythm and blues band in the bedroom with you?" asked the man in anger.

Father Ignatius remained silent.

"I'm sorry Father," the man continued after a moment's silence, "I shouldn't get angry with you. I hardly know you and here I am shouting at you.

"But as you can see, I am very upset with the Church and the priesthood. I am just running out of priests to confess to. How can I go to Confession to a priest whom I do not respect; or trust that in a few months time he will not leave the priesthood to get married.

"I can give you many other instances of bad priests I have met in my time. Like the one who was so interested in golf that he postponed a funeral arrangement so he does not miss out on a tournament he was playing at. Or another one, whom I asked to celebrate Mass for a dead relative, and I gave him a generous donation; yet he never celebrated that Mass for my dead parents. Despite two or three reminders.

"Is that Christ-like? Would Jesus have behaved like these priests?"

"I doubt very much that Jesus enjoyed a round of golf," replied Father Ignatius trying to lighten the mood a little.

The man laughed heartily.

"You see," continued Father Ignatius, "you're expecting too much from us priests. No one is perfect. Except God, and Christ, that is.

"Priests, like the original disciples, are ordinary men. With their own faults, weaknesses and foibles. Men, chosen by Christ, who are like the rest of us sinners, full of doubts and confusion.

"Now I am not either excusing or condoning the behaviour or utterences of the priests you have mentioned. I agree with you, there are some priests who perhaps do not meet the standard expected by society or indeed which they owe to our Lord.

"Priests are men who have chosen to follow our Lord by preaching His message to the world. As such, they have a special responsibility and duty to our Lord and they will be answerable to Him one day when they meet face to face.

"As shepherds, their duty is to care for the sheep and to lead them to Heaven. Not risk losing the flock by their behaviour or by what they say or believe.

"I am truly sorry that you seem to have met some priests who have disappointed you. I shall certainly pray for them as I will for you."

Father Ignatius stopped for a while. Something he often did when he wanted to get a point over forcibly.

The man smiled and said nothing. The priest continued.

"Your relationship should be a one-to-one relationship with God. With Jesus; with the help of the Holy Spirit.

"Your responsibility is to Him alone. To love Him and to love your fellow man as best you can.

"The priests and the Church, or Churches from other denominations, are there to set guidelines, road maps, blue prints as to how we can best follow God's message in our lives. These guidelines should be based on Bible teachings and where necessary supplemented by guidance from the priesthood.

"Sadly, as you have found out, not all priests meet the standard expected of them. But this does not take away your responsibility to build a one-to-one relationship with God and to seek His help and guidance when in doubts or in difficulties.

"I hope and pray that you will find a church, or a priest, whom you can respect and trust; as you say. A priest you can discuss matters with, or even go to Confession to.

"My request to you, is that you do not judge us too harshly. Indeed, we are all sinners; some of us perhaps deserving more forgiveness than others."

The man smiled and thanked Father Ignatius for his time listening to him. As he departed, the priest said a silent prayer for all priests who fail to set the good example expected of them.

STORY BASED ON TRUE FACTS

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Confession Explained