Descartes before the horse

 

There's a saying in England that goes, "put the cart before the horse". It means, to do things in the wrong order; to do something contrary to the natural or normally effective sequence of events.

Years ago there was a man called René Descartes, (31 March 1596 – 11 February 1650). He was a French philosopher, mathematician, scientist, and lay Catholic who invented analytic geometry, linking the previously separate fields of geometry and algebra.

He was a writer, a thinker, a philosopher, with many thoughts and ideas which have been discussed by many ever since. 

His best known philosophical statement is "cogito, ergo sum" ("I think, therefore I am"; French: Je pense, donc je suis). 

Basically, he is saying that the fact that he thinks proves that he exists as a person or a being. What a paradox in today's modern world where there are many fatheads incapable of thinking whatsoever. But let me not digress.

Descartes might as well have said, "I eat therefore I am", or, "I reproduce therefore I am" or "I go to the toilet ... here's proof that I am!"

What I am saying is: how do you know that you are? What proof have you got that you exist?

You say that you were born, but can you remember that far? Or are you repeating what you've been told?

What if ... what if ... you don't exist at all? You are only a character in a book being read by an ostrich wearing pink underpants and a woollen hat?

Everything you have done since you were born, (or you think you were born), is only words written in a book being read by the aforementioned ostrich. And whatever else you will do from now on is only the ostrich turning a page in the said book.

You don't exist. I don't exist. No one exists. 

You reading this post now, is only your character in the book reading a Blog on a computer. 

You'd better believe it. Don't bury your head in the sand. Let the ostrich do that. 

I bet Descartes never thought of my theory before he said his "cogito ergo" thing. But then, he was not as clever as me.

Is it a bird?

 

Pay attention now and settle down. Today we talk about zooology. How many O's in zoo ology? I have put three for good measure.

Specifically, today's lesson is about ostrology. The ostrich. Is it a bird or an animal? 

Let me tell you straight-away it is of no use for falconry. You know ... people who have falcons, hawks or other birds of prey on their out-stretched arms and the bird flies off and returns on the arm when called.

Well, ostriches are absolutely useless at this. They are too heavy to sit on your arm. Besides, there is the small matter that they do not fly.

They have eyes on either side of the head yet they hope to look forwards. Seems impossible. 

They have knees that bend the wrong way round. Your legs bend backwards at the knees. The ostrich's leg bends forwards, which makes it look stupid when it walks.

Their feet have two toes as opposed to four like most birds. The inner toe has a huge nail and looks like a hoof. 

The ostrich can reach speeds of 45 miles an hour; unless it is on a train when it could be even faster.

It lays the largest eggs of any animal. Bigger than an elephant's egg; because elephants don't lay eggs. Are you paying attention at the back of the class?

One ostrich egg is the size of 25 chicken eggs. Which explains why it is not sold at the supermarket. They cannot find a box big enough to sell a dozen eggs, or six even!

Contrary to popular and erroneous belief the ostrich does not bury it's head in the sand. Unlike some people who do so all the time until things go wrong in their lives.

It is also not true that an ostrich has eight hearts. You are mixing this with the octopus which has eight tentacles or legs. The octopus can use its eight legs independently; which explains why it never competes at tennis tournaments.

Both the ostrich and the octopus for that matter are very fast. It is very difficult to run after an octopus and catch it. Which explains why it is so expensive in a restaurant. Also, as soon as you put it in boiling water it uses a spare tentacle to turn the oven fire off. 

In a race between an ostrich and an octopus the horse would not win because it is not taking part. Also, the octopus would win because the ostrich cannot swim.

The horse on the other hand is completely different from the zebra. Because God said so.

Stupid animals

 

They say that one thing that distinguish us from animals is that we have opposable thumbs. Opposable thumbs means that our thumb can bend and touch all the other fingers. So we can hold things, small things, we can eat with one hand, and we can do many things animals cannot. There are of course many animals with opposable thumbs, but they cannot touch all their other fingers with their thumbs.

Try picking up a single grain of rice, or lentil, or a KFC leg with your thumb and index finger and tell your dog, "See ... I can do this and you cannot!"

Actually, I think many animals are just not smart, regardless of whether they have opposable thumbs or not. Try teaching your dog to say "Pretty Polly!" You'd be wasting your time. And you don't need any thumbs to say "Pretty Polly!"

When I point to his bed and tell my dog, "Go to bed!" he looks at my finger instead of his sleeping-couch. That is stupid.

He is so stupid he lost three out of five games of chess against me. He can never remember that the bishop moves sideways on the board. That's dumb.

Try teaching a cat to fetch a ball when you throw it in the park. Another waste of time. When I take it off its lead it just runs away. 

We've had our cat since it was a small kitten. It is black, and now rather big. He's as big as a large dog like an Alsatian at least. He eats about two kilos of meat a day and sits there growling.

I took it for a walk once and it climbed up a tree dragging me behind him holding on to his lead. It was a pine type tree and I got cut up and bruised with all the needles and sharp branches. That's a stupid cat indeed.

Some people think that speaking to animals gently and quietly will help teach them. Believe me, it does not seem to work. They are too dumb to understand. 

A friend of mine wanted to prove that animals are really smart and can understand humans. He says, or claims, he was a horse whisperer. He believed he could calm a horse by approaching it slowly and quietly speak to it. He also wanted to be a lion whisperer. An ambition he achieved just a few minutes before his tragic death.

Some animals provide us with food. I've already mentioned KFC. Once at a restaurant I had an elephant steak. It has a taste you'll never forget. 

As a side dish I also had rhinoceros cutlets. When I got out of the restaurant I started head-butting Jeeps and charging at people.

I used to be an amateur dramatic actor. A member of a small troupe who performed locally in various venues.

Being a perfectionist, I liked to dress in full costume beforehand and rehearse my lines in front of a full length mirror.

On one occasion I played the part of one of the mice that turn into horses in the Cinderella story.

So I took my costume home and put it on; then I stood there in front of the mirror looking like a giant mouse.

The cat came in and AHHH!!!! He was totally frightened out of his nine lives. 

He thought one of the many mice he has been chasing in the past had come back for revenge. He climbed madly on top of the wardrobe and would not come down … shaking to death he was.

The dog usually half-asleep in front of the TV woke up suddenly upon hearing the cat’s commotion.

He looked at me and decided there’s no way he’d let a giant mouse usurp his territory. He started growling … I tried to calm him down … but he pounced toppling me onto the ground and biting me in several unmentionable places.

Animals are dumb ... opposable thumbs or not.

The delivery

 

Something very strange happened recently. I can hardly believe it. But I remember it as if it was yesterday. That's because it was yesterday when it happened.

I was about to sit in front of the TV and record a football game over and old recording of Downton Abbey. Why do people bother to record Downton Abbey I do not know. There's no car chases in it and people wear funny costumes. But it was the only DVD disc we had left and I thought I'd record over it. No one would notice, and anyway they repeat Downton Abbey so often that we can record it again in a few days time.

As I was saying, as I prepared to record the football game, there was a knock at the door. I opened the door and there was this delivery man there from one of the Internet shopping websites trying to deliver a horse. He tried pushing it through the letter box but the horse was too large to fit through the small aperture normally designed to accept letters and small packets.

So I asked him, "First of all, why has this horse got black and white stripes all over it? Is it the bar code that someone forgot to remove? And secondly, why did you not ring the bell as any normal person would have done?"

He was totally nonplussed. So much so that I did not understand what the word meant and had to look it up in the dictionary afterwards. Something you might care to do as well.

He replied, "It is not a horse Sir. It is a zebra. Secondly, I did ring the bell but it does not seem to be working. That's why I knocked at the door!"

"Of course the bell works," I replied totally unfazed by his impertinence, "here let me show you."

I let him in the house and shut the door. Then I pressed the bell button once or twice. 

No response.

I pressed the button again and kept my finger pressed for a long time.

Still no response.

I pressed once more and kicked the door hard.

Totally no response.

I then realised two things.

I had been locked out of my own house. And I had not ordered a horse, or a zebra, on the Internet.

In total panic I muttered to myself, "what do I do now?"

The horse did not care. It just snorted "Pfffftttt ..." like horses often do. 

I left the horse, or zebra, there and ran through to the back garden where fortunately the back kitchen door was unlocked.

I entered the house. The delivery man was sitting in my armchair, watching the football on TV and, to add insult to the non-delivery of a horse, he had eaten all my doughnuts I had ready on a plate.

"What do you think you are doing?" I asked rather disappointed by his behaviour.

"Oh sorry," he said, "the football was on and I did not hear you ring the doorbell. Thanks for the doughnuts by the way. I just got a text message on my cell-phone. The zebra is not meant for you anyway. Must go now."

He did not even bother to record the game. 

Downton Abbey wins again!

Happenings in my life

Every now and then I think back at things that happened in my life and ask: Why me?

No one ever answers. Perhaps you will.

Years ago, when I lived in London, a neighbour phoned in the middle of the night, about 3:00am, and said, "Your dog barking is disturbing my sleep."

I said, "Sorry", meaning what are you talking about? Rather than being apologetic. I was half-asleep at the time.

The next morning, I remembered what happened and was upset, especially since I don't even have a dog. So at 3:00am the next night I phoned my neighbour and said, "I don't have a dog!"

When I moved to another house in London, the same thing, only different, happened again. A woman neighbour phoned me at night and said, "Your horse is in my garden!"

Rather stupidly, I replied, "Sorry!", like I did before.

The next morning I went to see her and I told her I have no horse. She said, "that's OK, it was only a  nightmare!" 

Horse ... nightmare ... get it? It comes to something when I have to explain my jokes.

When I moved up North I had a neighbour who imitated birds. I did not mind that she ate worms; but I got really annoyed when she pooped on my car!

Oh come on ... that was a good joke! You're a tough audience.

I was in my early twenties and lived in London. I got involved in politics and could have run for office locally. I used to spend a lot of time during elections knocking on doors and asking people if we could rely on their support; or answering any questions or problems they had in mind. 

I remember once I was with another colleague. We knocked on a door and a young 15 year old opened. I asked, "Are your dad or mom in?"

He shouted upstairs and said, "Daaad ... there's a man to see you!"

A voice from upstairs replied, "Bring him up!"

My colleague decided to stay at the door. I followed the lad upstairs and he took me to a bedroom where a man and a woman were in bed.

He said, "Yeh ... what do you want?"

You can imagine a 22 year old talking politics with a couple who had other things on their minds. 

On another occasion I was knocking at doors in an apartment block. As I was talking to a man at his door, I noticed a woman in her early thirties I would guess, walk up the stairs and say, "Hello Mr Farthing!" to the old gentleman I was talking to. He greeted her back, and she walked up the stairs to the level above. 

After ten minutes or so talking to him; I walked up the stairs to the higher level. We had been taught always to be honest with the voters and give a true answer to questions asked; even though it would not be what the voter wants to hear. They respect an honest politician even if their views differ from our Party.

When I rang the door bell at the apartment above, the woman I saw before opened the door totally naked. She was wearing nothing but a smile. She had obviously seen me knocking at doors and had been waiting for me.

She said, "Yes ... what do you want?"

I was honest. I said, "I forgot ..." and ran away.

Politics taught me a lot!!!!!!