Imagine a place where you can go and discuss all your worries. Whatever you are worrying about, financial issues, health, relationships, or whatever else; you go to this place and discuss what's on your mind and they take all your worries away.
Wouldn't that be wonderful?
I suppose the slogan on the door of this place would be "WE WORRY SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO".
Can you imagine such a place? You go there and all your worries are taken away for ever.
I thought about this place for a while, then this occurred to me:
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30
We have a pet squirrel called Nutty. We didn't buy him from a pet shop or a rescue centre; he is just a wild animal and he made himself our pet. He arrived in the back garden one day to eat the nuts from the bird table and has been visiting ever since. We called him Nutty.
He is so tame that he comes close for us to gently stroke his head and feed him from our hand. He also follows me everywhere in the garden. Over time, I trained him to follow me as I go out to the newsagent to get my morning papers. I walk down the lane and he follows a few feet behind all the way to the shops and back.
The other day he climbed up a tree and sat there for a while. I was concerned in case he gets lost and can't find his way back home, so I stood by the tree waiting.
Moments later, Madame Malaprop came down the lane and recognised me. She is an elderly neighbour of French origin living a few houses away. She probably thought the worst of me seeing me there beside a tree !!!
She looked me up and down saying nothing at first. I smiled politely and said, "I am exercising my squirrel!"
She must have misunderstood me because she cried, "Oh ... mon Dieu!!!" and started coughing violently all of a sudden.
"Are you OK?" I asked.
"I am shocking ..." she cried amongst coughs and splutters, "shocking!"
"There's no need to be shocked," I defended myself, "I was doing nothing improper by the tree!"
At which point she collapsed on the ground.
I picked up my cell-phone and phoned for an ambulance. "I' am at Chrysanthemums Gardens," I said, "an old lady has just collapsed in the street and is choking!"
"How do you spell that?" the operator asked.
How do I know how to spell it? I'm too far away from the road sign to go there and read it. The old woman will probably die by then.
There was only one thing to do. I grabbed her by the neck and dragged her all the way to the end of the road and then I said, "I am at Oak Street. That's O ... A ... K ... !!!"
*****
The dragging must have done the trick. Madame Malaprop got up; slapped me hard in the face, and walked away without saying a word.
At which time the ambulance arrived. I had a hard time explaining to the first responders that that woman over there was chocking just a few moments earlier. And that I had lost my squirrel.
Funerals aren't much fun. Especially when there's no WiFi reception in
church and I cannot get the football game on my cell-phone.
I had to
attend the funeral of someone in our church choir. His name was
Phil R Moniker. (I'm good at
making up names, don't you think?)
There was a lot of crying and sadness. At one point one of the church assistants was swinging the incense burner
thing a little enthusiastically and hit an elderly lady in the face.
She started crying and wailing and no one knew whether it was because of
the pain or whether she was grieving Phil's departure.
Eventually, Phil left for the cemetery, followed by a procession of cars filled with mourners.
I
knew a short-cut, so I took a turning to the left and went via the
out-of-town route. Unfortunately I got caught in heavy traffic and by
the time I got to the cemetery a number of people were standing around the grave.
The coffin had already been lowered into the ground and the vicar present ended his prayers with "May she rest in Peace".
"She?" I thought. Is there something about Phil R Moniker that I do not know?
I
was so busy analysing what I just heard that I did not notice that this
was a totally different vicar conducting the proceedings. Also, the mourners were different to the one's in
church half-an-hour earlier.
In my haste to get to the cemetery I had totally lost the plot! (Clever pun, don't you think?)
I was at the cemetery North of town instead of the one near the motorway.
I was about to retreat discreetly when I was approached by one of the mourners.
"She'll be really missed!" he said.
"Yes ... very much so," I said unconvincingly.
"Did you know her well?" he asked.
"Ehm ... years ago ... when I worked in London ... haven't seen her since," I lied so convincingly that I almost believed it.
"Really?" he said raising an eyebrow, "I did not know she lived in London. She said she hated it so much. Too busy, she said!"
"That's probably why she left," I lied to myself and to him once more, "too many people in London ... so busy!"
"It's tragic, the way she died," he continued as we were making our way out of the cemetery.
Now
I was in real trouble. What do I say? I don't even know her name, never
mind how she died. I remained silent. He continued after a few seconds.
"Knitting whilst sitting on the toilet!" he lamented.
I made some excuse about a meeting I had to be at and jumped in my car in a hurry!
You do not need expensive music lessons to be an orchestra conductor. All you need is a small stick or knitting needle which you wave in the air haphazardly. See video below.
Today's Q&A is about ghosts. But before we start, here are some thoughts to ponder.
Why is it that ghosts are often dressed in old mediaeval type clothes and appear in old castles and buildings?
Has there ever been a ghost seen in a modern building dressed in a modern fashionable suit? Has there been a ghost in the frozen food aisle of the local supermarket? That should send a chill down one's spine. What did the ghost look like? A person or a frozen turkey left over from last Christmas or Thanksgiving? Or was it the ghost of a frozen leg of lamb?
Are ghosts only human or has there ever been animal ghosts? If so, what animals? Has there ever been a ghost of a cockroach? Probably killed in a TV episode of Murder She Roach?
Do ghosts always speak in English or can they speak in different languages? Do they have different English accents? Do they speak in Olde English like Shakespeare and Chaucer? If a French ghost appears in England would he speak English in a French accent? Or the accent of the language he comes from? Or would he say, "Me no speak English"?
I once saw a ghost riding a bicycle. He stopped and said in perfect English, "Sorry old boy, can't stop and frighten you. I'm late getting home and no matter what excuse I give the wife she can see right through me!"
What do you see? A happy cheerful face or one that looks like you've tasted garlic ice cream? Or, as they say around here, a face that looks like a mile of bad road?
Another question - Are you a Christian?
If you are, then you owe it to God and to your soul to be cheerful.
To rejoice.
You have the Good News in your heart.
God loves you.
Jesus died for you.
The Holy Spirit will descend on you if you invite Him.
A Christian should not always look as if he has just attended a funeral.
He should look as if he has heard of the Resurrection and rejoices at the Good News always.
I just love the sound of the bagpipes. Especially the bagpipes and drums when they are all marching down the street. Many a time I saw the bands marching down Prince's Street in Edinburgh, playing the pipes and drums; especially on Hogmanay.
PRINCES STREET - EDINBURGH
I wish I could play the bagpipes; but I just can't. I am not musical in any way. When I sing or attempt a musical instrument wildlife leaves the vicinity for miles around. Birds have been known to migrate out of season to avoid me. And worms bury themselves deeper underground.
On one occasion I was invited at a friend's party in Scotland and he had several pipers there to entertain his guests. It was New Year's eve and we were dressed in kilts; including me. As a prank, someone gave me a set of bagpipes and we hid a loudspeaker just behind me and I pretended to play solo. It was good fun until something went technically wrong and there was a honking sound instead. The audience wondered what was that sound coming from behind. It was not my finest moment.
Have you ever escaped through your bedroom window? I have.
I was sixteen at the time. It was Halloween. I wanted to go to a friend's house for a party. My parents did not approve. I said I was going to my room for an early night.
I planned to escape through the bedroom window. My room was at the front of the house. I tied a few bed sheets together and threw them out of the window. I'd forgotten to tie the other end to the bed post or something solid. All the sheets fell into a heap on the ground below. I needed them to escape.
So I climbed on the window edge and eased myself on a climbing plant nearby, and from there to a tree near the house. I slowly moved down from branch to branch until I reached terra firma. (Did I tell you this was in Italy? Well, it wasn't. I just added the terra firma bit to sound educated).
Any way, I got down and collected the bed sheets. I could not get in the house through the front door for obvious reasons. My parents were watching TV. I got in through the back door using my key and I got up very quietly to my bedroom.
Once there, I tied one end of the sheets to the bed, then threw the sheets out of the window. Now they made a good rope for me to slide down quietly and go to my friend's house just across the road.
As I climbed out of the window a thought occurred to me. If I go to the party leaving the sheets hanging there my Dad would see them. It was Friday evening and he always took the trash bins out on Fridays so he'd be sure to see the sheets. Even if I left the bedroom lights on and the radio playing, he'd know I escaped.
So I decided to pull the sheets into the bedroom again. There must be a way for me to get out without attracting suspicion and being found out.
I switched the radio off and sat there to think of a cunning strategy. Moments later there was tapping on my window. I looked out, it was my friend Rosemary. She'd been throwing small pebbles at my window to attract my attention.
She said her parents decided to stay in that night so the party was called off.
I suggested we spend the time together revising for our exams instead. My parents agreed. Her parents agreed.
I went across to her house and we spent the evening ... revising.
I wish to invite you to a new business venture which will not only increase your investment but will put you at the forefront of the beauty industry.
I have teamed up with an innovative laboratory which has created the answer to everyone's dream.
You have heard of breast augmentation, and also thighs and backside uplifts and increases; or for some people muscle increases and a beautiful strong figure ... well, this is the next step in how to enhance your looks with no surgery or pain whatsoever.
This is a new cream which, when applied sparingly on your nose, will make it grow a few millimetres at a time. At first the growth will be unnoticeable, but in a short period of two weeks you can have a nose twice the size of your current one. This is an offer not to be sniffed at.
Imagine a longer or bulkier nose. And the more you apply the cream the more the nose will grow.
In some laboratory tests individuals had a nose which enters a room a few seconds before them.
Think of the advantages of a bigger nose. You can lie to your heart's content and no one will know. You can smell in the dark. You can identify with pinpoint accuracy who broke wind in the elevator. In confined spaces you'll be able to absorb more oxygen than anyone else. You can ring the doorbell with your nose when your hands are full. This and many other features are at your disposal with a new bigger nose.
Big noses are the fashionable trend this winter.
Do not miss this opportunity to invest in a fledgling new industry which will make you rich beyond compare. Do not turn your nose up at this offer.
Please phone me for more details. Use your nose to dial my number and see how difficult it is with your current size and shape.
Father Ignatius approached
the lectern and said, "A reading from the holy Gospel according to Mark Chapter
9 Verses 38 to 41. ‘Teacher,’ said
John, ‘we saw someone driving out demons in your name and we told him to stop,
because he was not one of us.’
‘Do not stop him,’
Jesus said. ‘For no one who does a miracle in my name can in the next moment
say anything bad about me, for whoever is not against us is for us. Truly I
tell you, anyone who gives you a cup of water in my name because you belong to
the Messiah will certainly not lose their reward.’ "
The priest waited
until they all sat down and then started his sermon, "Once upon a time there
was a zebra which looked different from the rest of the herd. People don't
like different, do they? Zebras don't like different either.
"This zebra had its
stripes horizontally. Instead of having the stripes vertically around the body
like all other zebras, this one had its stripes horizontally from the neck to
the rear. The other zebras did not like that. They said he was not ‘one of us’.
Whatever that means. They wanted the zebra out of the herd.
"They debated, they
argued, and then they voted. And the zebra was thrown out of the herd to roam
all alone, lonely, and defenceless. It soon got attacked
by hyenas and was killed. They did not care which way the stripes went.”
He waited a moment or
two as he usually does to make a point and then continued, “Sounds familiar,
does it not? The zebra looked different and was not welcome in the herd. The
disciples had the same attitude towards the stranger who performed miracles in
Christ’s name yet was not one of the disciples.
"And to a large
extent, so are we too, are we not. We may well wish to deny it, but deep down
we are all prejudiced in some form or other, including me. It is in our very nature to be prejudiced about something or other. We’re too
quick to judge. We all have our likes and dislikes and we react differently to
peoples’ appearances, attire, age, accents, and the multitude of other feelings
we have towards each other.
"When Jesus walked
this earth, He must have met many poor people whose clothes were dirty and
torn. Lepers too, as well as prostitutes and evil-doers of all kinds. He didn’t
use our prejudices in order to avoid them and judge them. Instead, He used
pity, compassion and love to help them to a better life.
"Jesus taught us not
to judge so that we may not be judged. Have you ever wondered whether in life
someone has been prejudiced against you without your knowledge? That job or
promotion you did not get for instance? Or the way you’ve been treated by
certain people?
"Dear Lord, forgive us
if we have unintentionally sinned through our prejudices and treatment of
others and teach us to be more aware of our weaknesses and help us to overcome
them. Amen."
The last Q&A session "How do you ablute?" proved successful. Here's another one about first dates or courting. But first, my story:
Denise was a work colleague and we'd been seeing each other for a short period. Imagine my surprise and delight when she agreed at my suggestion that we go away somewhere nice for the weekend. I bought the railway tickets and booked a room at the hotel. We met late on a Friday evening at the railway station and planned to take the overnight train all the way to our destination to arrive at dawn the next day. Being a gentleman I carried her suitcase as well as mine.
Before boarding the train I asked Denise to wait on the platform by the train whilst I got a newspaper from the news-stand. Moments later a guard blew a whistle and shouted "All aboard!" Instinctively I picked up the suitcase and jumped in the train as the guard slammed the door and the train moved away.
It was then that I saw Denise waiting for me on the platform. I called for her but she did not hear me. I asked a fellow passenger which train I was on. It was the non-stop train to Jupiter one hundred million miles away.
I was on the wrong train thinking that Denise had boarded it when the guard blew his whistle. It was before cell-phones and I had no way of contacting her or jumping off the train.
I arrived in Jupiter at about 6:00am Saturday morning. The train inspector fined me £50 for being on the train without a ticket. He did not care about my story or the fact that I had tickets for the right train to prove it; and that my sweetheart had been left behind on the platform.
I phoned Denise. Her friend, Fat Legs Lucy, answered the phone and slammed it down on me. I tried a few more times with no effect.
I went to a hotel and decided to stay there for the day and return home on Sunday - no trains back until then.
I sat on the bed and wondered what could have been. I had arranged for a bottle of champagne to be delivered in our room at the hotel Denise and I would have been staying at. I wondered whether they'd refund me the cost.
It was at that moment that I realised I had Denise's suitcase with me. Where's mine? I had forgotten it by the news-stand at the railway station. I had no change of clothing. I wondered whether Denise had packed a pink night-dress to match my pink pyjamas.
On Sunday I returned home. I phoned Denise a few times but each time Fat Legs Lucy answered and she slammed the phone on me. She warned me not to attempt to go to her apartment.
On Monday all my work's colleagues avoided me and stared at me in anger. I asked one of them to give Denise her suitcase.
I went to the railway station Lost Property office to collect my suitcase. To identify my property I had to tell the officer what was inside. He opened the suitcase and sniggered when he saw my pink pyjamas. I regretted that I did not pack the lemon green one instead.
Denise and I made our peace a few days later.
Now over to you.
What is your humourous or interesting adventure when you were dating?
I am not superstitious. I might be a little bit stitious but I would not call myself superstitious. There are some things I would not do.
For instance, I would not walk under a black cat. And I would not cross the road with a ladder in heavy traffic. And I would not go up a ladder with a broken mirror or touch a wooden ladder for good luck on Friday the 13th.
It all stems back to my childhood when I had a step-ladder. I never knew my real ladder; so I always had a step-ladder for company.
Ladders are often used for going up. There are all kinds of ladders: wooden ones, metal ones, extendible ones, self-standing ones in an A shape, and rope ones. The rope ones can be hung from the side of a boat in case you want to go deep-sea diving. The ladder can extend all the way to the sea bed if you can afford one.
Never take a ladder in an elevator - whether going up or going down. I tried once and I broke the light on the ceiling of the elevator because the ladder was bigger than the elevator.
A friend of mine was so tall that he needed to stand on a ladder each morning in order to shave himself.
On the other hand, another friend was so short that he failed in his ambition to become a heart surgeon. He became a knee surgeon instead. This would not have happened if he had a ladder; or even a step-ladder.
And another thought about going up and down ...
Christianity does not teach that we should climb up to God for our
redemption. God has come down to us, and offered Himself as sacrifice on
the Cross and we are unwilling to acknowledge or accept His priceless
gift.
Pay attention everyone. Today's English history lesson is about King Henry VIII.
Now
here's a tip for all of you history enthusiasts. Remember, in English
history the answer to any question is more often than not Henry VIII.
Just answer Henry VIII and the chances are you are right. Here are some examples:
Name a popular English King - Henry VIII
Who broke away from the Catholic Church - Henry VIII
Who had his wives killed - Henry VIII
Name a song by Herman's Hermits - I'm Henry VIII I am
What is the capital of England - Henry VIII
Name three ways to cook a potato - Henry VIII, Henry VIII and Henry VIII
In 1509 King Henry VIII was King. He wanted a son as
an heir and married six times to make sure his wife got him a son.
His
first wife Catherine of Aragon brought him five daughters, (four dead), so he
divorced her. She was a Catholic. When Henry VIII divorced her it upset the Pope. Henry created
the Church of England with him as head. He got rid of Catholic
monasteries but he still worshipped as a Catholic ... and executed those
who didn't. (Confused? There's more!)
He
married Anne Boleyn who also gave him a daughter. She was also friendly with a
number of people in the palace so Henry VIII cut off her head and also that of
all her lovers too. It is said that Anne Boleyn had an extra finger on one hand
and three breasts! Henry accused her of being a witch because of her
deformities.
Henry
then married Jane Seymour who gave him a son in 1537 but unfortunately she died
whilst giving birth.
In 1540
Henry married Anne of Cleves who is said to have been very ugly. The marriage
was not consummated, so he divorced her.
In the
same year he married Catherine Howard and shortly afterwards chopped her head
off too because of her adultery.
In 1543
he married Katherine Parr. Now I ask you ... would you have married a man with
such a track record? Anyway, by this time Henry VIII was very sick with
diseases one gets when they are too friendly (know what I mean?). He died in 1547.
In
those days people didn't wash as often as we do today because power
showers had not been invented. So in time you could smell their arrival a
mile off before they actually arrived. People with big noses suffered
the most because they inhaled more of the bad smells. Having a cold was a
wonderful relief. To hide their bad smell some people carried apples
with cloves in it. Hmmm ... I wonder what smelled worse. A rotten apple
in your armpits or the "naturelle smelle" of said body parts.
Did you know that during Henry VIII's reign there was a grain famine. He
told his people to kill vermin that eat grains like mice, rats, and
such like and he will pay them money if they handed the dead creature to
the Local Authorities. Amongst the creatures on the list was the kite; a
bird of prey. Someone pointed to him that the kite eats mice and birds,
not grain. So in a way he was contributing to the war against vermin.
Why put him on the list of creatures to be hunted? King Henry VIII
reminded the people as to who was King, and the kite remained on the
list.
Also, did you know that Henry VIII was short-sighted? His helmet had
glass spectacles fitted to them so he could see better. The Tudors were
far more advanced than we gave them credit for.
Living in Tudor times was not much fun. TV had still not been invented so people could not watch soaps for hours on end.
In Henry VIII's time football was a favourite pastime played between two villages. The ball
was a pig's bladder and they started the game at a mid-point between two
villages several miles apart. The idea was to get the ball into your
village. The whole village population would play and there were no rules
or referee. Anything goes. Just fight everyone else and get the ball to
your village. Many people got injured and hurt.
In 1540 Henry VIII banned the game because he needed soldiers for his
army and too many people were getting injured and maimed playing
football.
It was not a healthy time either. They had open sewers in the streets
and toilets were a hole in the ground in the back garden. They often
emptied chamber pots out of the window onto the people in the streets
down below. Hence the phrase "Gardyloo !!!" which roughly translated
meant "watch out for the water" (and what's in it) !!!
Umbrellas had yet to be invented; but I bet the Laundry Business was quite successful.
People had very odd cures for illnesses, like swallowing live spiders,
covered in butter to make them go down quicker. And swallowing powdered
human skulls, or eating bone-marrow mixed with sweat. They also believed
in blood-letting. You'd go to the barber and he'd cut you up and let
the blood out.
I remember a story about a man who went to the barber's once for a haircut. As the barber was working
on him the man looked down and saw a human ear on the ground. "Whose
ear is that?" he asked.
The barber replied, "Hold it. If it's still warm it's yours!"
Hence the phrase "Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears!" which
is a famous line in the play Julius Caesar by William Shakespeare (1564
- 1616).
Life for women was terrible in Tudor times. If a woman did not marry she
often stayed at home with her parents and spent her time spinning -
hence the word "spinster". She could not become a nun since Henry VIII
had closed all convents.
Women could be punished by law for nagging and scolding. Women were
warned in church to stop nagging and if they continued they were
punished by ducking. They were tied to a chair and lowered in the river a
few times.
If a woman continued nagging and scolding she was made to wear a metal
mask which clamped on the head with a metal bar in her mouth holding her
tongue down. She was then paraded in town as a warning to other women.
Here's a short video to remind you of the names of Henry VIII's wives.
.
