A number of you have written often enough in the comments box that you enjoy my humourous articles and stories here. And this pleases me a lot because if I manage to make you smile for while then it is a good thing, is it not? Smiling and laughing is good. And I'm happy when you laugh. I remember years ago when I did a bit of amateur theatre, I presented variety acts and told jokes, it was very pleasing when people laughed at what I said.
Some of you have even e-mailed me to say you enjoy my articles. The address is at the tab at the top of this Blog. On the right.
Why only yesterday, someone phoned me and asked, "Is Sandra there?"
I replied, "There's no one called Sandra here. Perhaps you got the wrong number!"
They said, "That's not possible. Sandra does not have a phone!"
This set me wondering. Why does Sandra not have a phone? Is it because she cannot afford one or is it because she is afraid of heights?
You see, in today's world people are not willing to take responsibility and they take offence easily. I think instead of taking offence they should paint them instead. And paint the garden gate too. My wife has been asking me to do it for ages and I refuse on the grounds that the paint will peel off in time anyway and I'll have to do it all over again. Perhaps it's better if people take offence.
It's the same with politics. The other day someone stopped me in the street and asked me if I believe in free speech. I replied, "Yes!" He said, "OK ... can I use your cellphone please?"
And then there's those people who want to swim with dolphins. Well I don't. I want to cycle with dolphins. If I can bother to learn to swim why can't they learn to cycle and come out with me in the park?
Animals are selfish. They want to behave their own sweet way and we have to adapt to their habits and their habitats. If pandas can't be bothered to have sex why should we bother if they become extinct?
How about the koala bears. For a start they are not bears. They are not placental or 'eutherian' mammals, but marsupials, which means that their young are born immature & they develop further in the safety of a pouch. They only eat leaves from the eucalyptus tree and because the leaves of these trees have limited nutritional and caloric value the koalas sleep up to 20 hours a day. I think they are very lazy and should be put to work cleaning chimneys. Their furry and round body would soon clean the soot off that chimney.
When I was young our family was very poor. We could not afford many things and we put animals to good use working for us. We used to tie a hedgehog to a wooden stick and use it as a toilet brush. Baby ones were used as toothbrushes.
Giraffes too. Giraffes are the most useless creatures on earth. They have very long necks and legs out of proportion with the rest of their tiny bodies. It's as if they have been designed by a 3 years old child. Children often draw limbs out of proportion.
Like all mammals, giraffes give birth whilst standing up. Which means the baby giraffe falls from a great height on its head as it is born. No wonder all giraffes are stupid.
It reminds me of when I was born as a baby. I was born in hospital in Ward A, B and C. I was a big baby. The nurse slapped me on my bottom even though I had done nothing wrong yet. Then she punched my dad in the face.
And another thing ... officialdom. That really gets to me. People who are placed in authority who suddenly become real dictators and tyrants. Like our librarian at the local library for instance. The other day I was waiting to take a book out. The guy in front of me wanted to take out a book called, "How to commit the perfect suicide". She did not want to lend him the book because she feared he would not return it.
The priest in our church is just the same. He put a sign in the car park saying "Place Reserved for the priest". People parked there all the same.
He then put another sign, "Do not park here". People ignored him again.
He thought he'd be clever and use one of the Ten Commandments. He wrote, "Thou Shalt Not Park Here". That too was ignored.
So he wrote, "Whoever parks here will wash my car". We all parked elsewhere.
He could have asked nicely don't you think?
And the choir leader, she's a dictator too! I volunteered to sing in the church choir. I turned up at all the rehearsals except one when I had to go for a hospital check-up. That's when everyone in the choir thought they'd tuned the church organ. When I returned the following week she asked me to stand in the back and mime instead. How can you mime "Silent Night" when beating the big drum?
Nurses in hospitals can be officious too. I had to go and give some blood so they can test if I still have a sense of humour. I don't like needles, so what I do is give my doctor's card to a friend. He goes instead of me and pretends to be me and give blood instead. The nurse does not know any better and I avoid giving blood. Last month my friend could not go and he sent his wife instead. When I went to the doctor's for the results he told me I was pregnant! I was shocked. My wife had assured me the condoms we bought were Catholic approved.
Anyway, just to assure you that I can sing, here's a recording for you to enjoy.