Psychiatrists Conference ...

Paul: Hello Henry ... haven't seen you since last year's Psychiatrists Conference in London ...

Henry: You mean the Looney Tunes Show as we used to call it?

Paul: Yes quite ... how are you getting on old boy?

Henry: Actually Paul ... I don't think I am really a psychiatrist?

Paul: Hein? What do you mean?

Henry: I don't feel I am cut out to be a psychiatrist.

Paul: What are you talking about? You went to college didn't you?

Henry: Yes ...

Paul: And you read about Freud and Jung and Oedipus Rex?

Henry: Is that the one about the dog?

Paul: No ... that's a different Rex.

Henry: I see ...

Paul: Never mind ... you can do joined-up writing that no one can read can't you?

Henry: Yes ...

Paul: And you are rude to your patients ... condescending and insulting?

Henry: I suppose ...

Paul: There you are then ... you're a psychiatrist, and a good one at that.

Henry: But ... I don't feel I am helping people ...

Paul: What's that got to do with it? The important thing is to earn good money. Keep the bank account full. You like top of the range big cars, a big house and a yacht don't you?

Henry: Yes ...

Paul: What's the problem then?

Henry: I really don't know how to help people with problems ...

Paul: It's easy ... everything has a basis on sex. If a woman says she is eating too much, you tell her she is afraid that she is no longer attractive and sexy. If a man is afraid of losing his job, tell him he is really afraid that he will no longer be seen as handsome and appealing to women.

Henry: But it isn't as simple as that ...

Paul: Of course it is ... The problem these days is that no one wants to accept responsibility for their failings. They all want a crutch to lean on and use as an excuse for failure. So you help them along by keeping them talking until their time is up and then charge them for it.

Henry: But what if they need help?

Paul: Get them to talk about their childhood ... that always helps. Were they happy as a child? Did their parents love them or not care? Were their parents over-protective or over-bearing? There's always something in everyone's background that would make them feel better if they face up to it and blame it for their real failure in life.

Henry: I see ... I think ...

Paul: Then once they have found an excuse for their problems you encourage them to get up, face the world, and do better. Simple ...

Henry: Thanks Paul ... I am glad we've had this little chat.

Paul: Don't mention it ... that will be £79 plus tax. I'll send you the bill.