In Praise of Experts

TV Presenter: Good evening and welcome to Science Today. With us this evening is Professor Bella Moon, Professor of Astrophysics at the University of Inter-Planetary Exploration ...

Bella: Good evening.

TV Presenter: And Victor Moubarak a self-confessed writer, reader and collector of dust.

Vic M: Hi.

TV Presenter: Our subject this evening is whether there are extra terrestial life out there and whether such living creatures have visited us here on earth. Professor, what do you think?

Bella: There is no scientific independently adjudicated and proved evidence of life in outer-space or anywhere else apart from here on earth.

Vic M: Yes there is.

TV Presenter: That's very emphatic. How do you prove that?

Vic M: They sent me an e-mail.

TV Presenter: Really? What did it say?

Vic M: Take me to your reader.

TV Presenter: Do you mean take me to your leader?

Vic M: No ... reader ... they can't spell. They're from outer space and their English is not as good as ours. But then we can't speak their language at all, can we?

TV Presenter: What is their language?

Vic M: I don't know. I didn't ask them.

TV Presenter: What happened next when you received this e-mail?

Bella: Oh really ... you don't believe this nonsense do you?

TV Presenter: Of course not. But it is more interesting than what you have to say. Besides, the viewers at home like this sort of thing. Carry on, Vic.

Vic M: Thanks. I replied to their e-mail that we have many leaders on earth. Each country has a leader, and also other influential people like leaders of other parties not in power at the time. And there are various world organisations with their own leaders too.

TV Presenter: Interesting. What else did they say?

Vic M: They said that on their planet they only have one leader and he is chosen by playing Rock Paper Scissors with his competitors. The winner is the leader.

TV Presenter: Fascinating.

Vic M: They also said they've been studying us and we produce globally 50,000 gigatons of carbon emissions per year and this is bad for the whole universe. They said all this carbon is not absorbed by trees because we keep destroying our forests. We also produce several megatons of gaseous substances harmful to the atmosphere every time we break wind, and that we should eat less beans. And that global warming is the result of us having too many candles on our birthday cakes, and candles elsewhere like in restaurants and scented candles in the bathroom when we are lying there in the bath doing nothing productive. They also said ...

Bella: Now that is interesting. So they agree that we are responsible for global warming!

Vic M: Aha ... now you believe in outer-space creatures because they agree with your theories. They also said that we should encourage people to grow plants all over their bodies instead of clothes. This will cut down on the production of unnecessary clothing and help the planet by growing plants to compensate for the ones cut down through de-forestation. They suggested we carry potted plants in our pants and boots, or strapped to our legs. Preferably climbing plants like ivy, or vines or even roses. This will create a new habitat for birds and insects who have been displaced by de-forestation and modern agricultural techniques.

Bella: This is outrageous.

TV Presenter: Why?

Bella: I am not growing ivy all over my body! It will attract spiders. I hate spiders and creepy crawlies.

TV Presenter: Not even if it depended on the survival of the planet? Every bird and insect that we save is part of the eco-system and the whole earth depends on them. If they needed you to have plants growing all over you in which to build their nests, would you not help?

Bella: Ehm ...

TV Presenter: What do you say to that, Vic?

Vic M: Well ... I've already got a beard. I'd be happy to have a robin or two living there. But not a swan. A swan is too big to hang on to my beard. Also, I've started growing hair out of my ears. I'll let it grow and join it to my beard. And I'll plant ivy in my boots and wait until it grows up my legs. It won't be long until it surprises me when it reaches my ...

TV Presenter: OK ... thank you. Thank you Bella and Vic. Plenty of food for thought there from tonight's experts on the program. See you next week and goodbye.

NOTE: Since that interview Victor Moubarak has become a certified expert on Inter-Planetary Life. He printed his own certificate on the latest model of laser printer. He is much acclaimed in his new field of study and has given many interviews on TV and radio. And published several books too.