Tuesday 3 December 2019

Christmas Haircut

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Everywhere you go ...

And what I dread the most at this time of year is the obligatory visit to the barber's/hairdresser's to have my haircut. 

Why is it that I have to look smart at Christmas? Is it a written rule or law somewhere that we should dress nicely to go to church or to parties at Christmas, and that we should look particularly presentable?

I reckon I look smart and wonderful all of the time and need not to take particular attention to my appearance at Christmas or at any other time. As my aunt used to tell me, "I am a sex symbol for women who do not care!" ... whatever she meant by that.

There are many reasons why I do not like to go to the hairdresser. At Christmas or at any other time.

I usually cut my own hair. I stand in front of a mirror and with a pair of scissors ... snip ... snip ... all done. Front ... back ... sides ... and I'm OK ready to go once again.

Admittedly this has caused many an argument at home  but then ... well ... I'm sure you understand my dislike of barbers.

For a start I hate people touching me. Same when I go to the doctor's or see a nurse. But at least then it is out of some necessity or other. At the barber's it's different.

He sits you there and leans you back in the chair. Puts an over sized napkin round your neck as if you're a baby. Touches your hair and makes inane and insulting comments; like "who cut your hair the last time?"

I make some mumbling comment that I went to the barber's when travelling on business.

He then asks, "How would you like your hair cut?"

I remember once I was in a hurry to leave, so I looked at the barber and said, "cut my hair like yours!"

He took his electric machine and cut my hair totally off ... almost bald I was ... I protested and asked him what he was doing. This looks nothing like his haircut. He replied, "Yes it is ... but my hair has grown since I last cut it!"

On another occasion I needed my beard shaved. I remember staying very still and very afraid as the sharp blade reached my throat. Then, from the corner of my eye, I saw an ear on the floor amongst all the cut hairs.

"Look here," I said, "look here, there's an ear over here. On the ground ... whose ear is it?"

He replied, "touch it ... if it is still warm it is yours!"

I asked my hairdresser once whether there are courses you have to attend to be a hairdresser. He said he was self-taught. It's easy he said, also being a gardener beforehand and cutting hedges gave him all the practice he needed.

Another thing I hate about hairdressers is their need to talk whilst cutting your hair. Why can't they just get on with their job so I can leave quickly?

They like to criticise your hair ... it makes them feel in control ... "oh ... you have split ends dear ... what shampoo do you use? It dries your hair no end ... Do you ever dye your hair? You're beginning to show a bit of grey on the temples you know ..."

I feel like giving him a piece of my mind, but at the time, sitting there, I feel vulnerable and with no mind at all.

What business is it of his what shampoo I use? I'll have you know it's very expensive at three bottles for $1. And no ... I never dye my hair ... well ... sometimes I use a bit of that black liquid my wife uses for her hair and I touch the sides of my head with an old paint brush.

And I wish he'd stop calling me dear ... or my darling. Why does he have to be so familiar? I am here purely on a business transaction. He cuts my hair. I pay and leave. I have no desire to meet strangers and make friends.

And another thing ... why do hairdressers feel the need to ask about your holidays?

I remember once a hairdresser asked me, "have you been on holiday?"

I knew he was Catholic because I had seen him in church a few times although I did not know what job he did. I had gone to a new hairdresser's shop in town and to my surprise there he was. So I frequented his establishment a few times to send some business his way.

"Oh yes ..." I replied, "I have been to Rome. I went to the Vatican and met the Pope. I had an audience with the Pope and met him in his Pope Room!"

As a good Catholic, he was most impressed. He wanted to learn more.

"Really?" he asked, "you met His Popiness the Pope? What did he say to you?"

I hesitated and then said, "he said, tell me who cut your hair so badly and I'll get your money back!"

My hairdresser stopped sharpening his razor for a moment and then asked, "And did you tell him?"

I never went there again.

Oh ... one more thing I hate about going to the hairdresser's is when they offer to wash your hair. You lie on your back in your chair and they put your head in this urinal ... (NOTE: any ladies who do not know what a urinal looks like ask the man in your life to describe it!)

As you're lying there on your back feeling really vulnerable they wash and shampoo your hair and dry it with an industrial strength air flow machine connected to a jet engine.

I really hate it ... I hate it when they touch me ... when they cut my hair ... when they make inane insulting comments criticising me and my appearance. I hate it all.

20 comments:

  1. Poor you! At least you have hair to be cut. You could have a billiard-ball head.

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    1. If I had a billiard-ball head I would probably have to polish it with olive oil or goose fat for Christmas, wouldn't I?

      God bless you Kathy. Keep smiling.

      Delete
  2. That was so funny I quit feeling badly for all your trials. "If it is still warm it is yours," was gross but hilarious.
    I am always careful what I say to people who have sharp instruments in their hands like beauticians and dentists.

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    1. It's good to laugh, Patti. Please visit us here often and share a smile or a chuckle with us. Invite others too.

      God bless you always.

      Delete
  3. How about the dentist? He begins asking questions as soon as he has filled your mouth with his hands and instruments. Write about that experience, please!
    Blessings!

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    Replies
    1. Last time I went to the dentist I opened my mouth so large that I swallowed him.

      Glad to see you visiting me again, Lulu. Thanx. I hope and pray you are well. God bless you and yours.

      Delete
  4. Thanks, Victor, for tickling my funny bone once again!
    Blessings!

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    1. It's good to laugh, Martha. But not when visiting the hairdresser's.

      God bless you and your family.

      Delete
  5. Oh my what an ordeal!! : )

    I love getting my hair washed at the hairdressers. I think it feels wonderful. Ken has been cutting my hair lately! My hairdresser, who I really liked retired!!

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    1. I guess some hairdressers are good. I just don't like them touching me.

      God bless Happyone.

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  6. LOL, and you pay for this service. :)

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    1. Indeed ... I pay for the transaction to be insulted by hedge trimmers turned into hairdressers.

      God bless you Bill.

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  7. Too funny, Victor! In particular, the reference to a urinal. I think you've nailed pretty much every hairdresser I've had the displeasure of knowing … saving my current guru. Must remember to gift her extra nicely this year.

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    1. The thing is, Mevely, I find most hairdressers the same. They have to comment on your hair and what's wrong with it. Personally, I wash my hair before going to the hairdressers; so I don't need him to do it for me. The first, and ONLY time I agreed, he leant me right back in my chair and pushed me into this urinal. I dreaded what he would do next.

      Keep smiling Mevely. God bless.

      Delete
  8. You are quite right about getting your hair cut for Christmas!
    Both Eddie and I have appointments made! LOL!
    Now me I enjoy the visit, Eddie not so much … but hair grows it needs tidying up sometimes …

    All the best Jan

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    1. I wonder if it is a men thing, Jan. Do men not like going to the hairdressers? It's a necessity I know; but it's like going to the doctor's or dentist.

      Best wishes on your next hairdresser's visit. God bless.

      Delete
  9. You could always just grow your hair long and wear a ponytail like i do. These days, no one would probably say a word.

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    1. That's true Mimi. But I have been told to have my hair cut for Christmas.

      God bless you.

      Delete
  10. Victor, you could grow out your hair and wear it in a man-bun. Problem solved:)

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    1. Yes I agree, Chris. But I have been told specifically to have my hair cut for Christmas.

      God bless you always.

      Delete

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