Tuesday 21 April 2020

What do you do in bed?


We cannot go long without sleeping. If you deprive yourself of sleep for up to 18 hours the body would react as if you're drunk. So for a short cut just have yourself a drink or more and then go to sleep.

Scientists have yet to discover why we sleep. Some believe that the body re-generates whilst we're asleep, but this is not proven conclusively. Some people in fact have been known to degenerate whilst in bed but the least said about this the better.

Scientists have proved however that we actually use up energy whilst we're asleep. We in fact use up enough calories equivalent to a small bar of chocolate. So you can have a bar of chocolate for breakfast every morning and you've made up your weight loss.

Also, it is estimated that up to 70% of us have actually eaten at least one spider in our lifetime whilst asleep in bed. Yes ... we sleep with our mouths open and that attracts spiders apparently who attempt to build a web on the mouth opening and fall in. I read this on the web; so it must be true.

Usually when we're asleep we have to wake up in the night to go to the bathroom. No one knows why we do this; because more often than not we do not have a full tank to be emptied anyway. It seems to be just an annoyance to wake us up so that we can annoy our partners by making a noise whilst we go to the bathroom and flush the toilet.

Speaking of which, it is not clear what is the etiquette when you are a visitor in someone's house. Do you flush the toilet in the middle of the night or not? Risking waking up the entire family?

What if it is a Number 2? Do you flush the toilet then or not?

What if your hosts wake up and go to the bathroom and find your deposit there un-flushed? You can hardly deny it is yours? Normally you do not put a tag on it with your name on - or do you? What is the normal thing to do in these circumstances?

Animals and birds need sleep too, you know. Some of them wake up in the night to go to the bathroom too. The bat is so lazy it does it whilst hanging upside down from a tree and then wonders what's in its eye!

Fish go to sleep with their eyes open because they have no eyelids. That's why they get water in their eyes and can't blink it out. Despite having their eyes open all the time they still get caught and put in tins of sardines or made into fish sticks. How stupid can they get?

It is also a well known fact that some people walk in their sleep. Yep ... they get up in the night and walk in their sleep. This can be particularly frightening to your pets if you sleep naked.
A friend of mine even swims in his sleep. He gets up at night and goes out in the garden for a swim. Unfortunately he does not have a swimming pool so he lies on the ground and flaps his arms and legs like a fish out of water. In the morning he wonders why he has mud all over his pyjamas.

When I was young I used to walk the plank. We did not have a dog at the time!

I even know someone who walks in his sleep and goes downstairs and writes himself threatening letters which he then goes out to post in the post box nearby. The next morning he gets upset at receiving the threatening letters.

He went to the police with the letters. They all said the same thing: "If you don't stop sleeping with my wife I'll sort you out good and proper!"

The police told him to stop sleeping with the man's wife. He said, "Can't you see? None of the letters are signed!"

Most of us dream whilst we're asleep. Good dreams ... bad dreams ... not so good dreams.

I remember when in London my neighbour rang me in the middle of the night complaining that my horse was in her garden. I was half-asleep so I apologised.

The next morning I realised that I had no horse. So I went round and told her so. She said it was a nightmare!

As a side line ... I always take my wife morning tea in my pyjamas. Is she grateful? No! She says she'd rather have it in a cup.

I don't always remember my dreams. But once I dreamt I was in a marshmallows factory. The next morning I discovered I had eaten half the pillow.

Some people take their pets with them in bed to sleep. I once took our rabbits to bed with me. By the morning I had a litter of about two dozen hopping all over the place.

It is often suggested that if you can't sleep you should count sheep. I used to do that. But now with all the importance given to Health and Safety I just lie there in bed considering safety risk assessments. Are the sheep safely tucked away in their pens? Has the gate been left open? Are they safe from predators? Have they had their health checks by the vet?

I saw an advert the other day that a memory mattress is the best modern invention to help you sleep well. I bought a memory mattress and now it is trying to blackmail me.

I talked to my psychiatrist about my lack of sleep. He reminded me that he was a psychiatrist, and that his wife was a psychiatrist too. He suggested a group therapy session with him and his wife, with me and mine.

I thought about it. To be honest, I am rather uncomfortable having him and his wife in bed with me and my wife. What kind of therapy is that? And will the bed be big enough?

That will give the memory mattress something to talk about!

23 comments:

  1. Sleep is good... I try to do it at least once in a 24 hour period.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes ... sleep is good. I dreamt the other day I was asleep at work. When I woke up ... I was!

      God bless, Ryan.

      Delete
  2. Sleep is a very peculiar thing. We just can't help ourselves lol xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Great to see you visiting here Grams. Thank you. Please call again soon. You're always welcome here.

      God bless.

      Delete
  3. Hahahaha! That first cartoon is hysterical. Not wanting to give away which paragraphs triggered my giggles, mind you, but I'm sitting here with a big smile on my face. Given that factoid about spiders, I may start wearing my anti-Corona mask to sleep.

    ReplyDelete
  4. So glad you liked my cartoon, Mevely. I wonder what he is celebrating.

    Also, I'm pleased the rest of the post made you smile. The bit about eating spiders is TRUE!!!!

    God bless my friend.

    ReplyDelete
  5. This was so hilarious as always. Sometimes we are blessed to have forgotten dreams. Have a grand week!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's great to know that you've enjoyed today's offering, Cathy. Thank you again for your visit.

      God bless.

      Delete
  6. LOL, how did you know that I got up and used the bathroom in the middle of the night, I always try to be quiet. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This getting up in the night is a mystery, Bill. We don't actually NEED to do it; but it seems the body is programmed for it. It happens at most ages in humans.

      God bless always.

      Delete
  7. I imagine that memory foam would have plenty to talk about - lol! Victor, as I've said before, your imagination has no equal. Thanks for the chuckles today!
    Blessings!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. One thought seems to trigger another, Martha. And often, they make me laugh. I think life is absurd generally. Yet people seem to take themselves seriously.

      God bless always, Martha.

      Delete
  8. Getting a good nights sleep is so welcome … but an afternoon nap can often be welcome too! LOL!

    My good wishes Victor.

    All the best Jan

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sleeping is my favourite pass-time. It is so annoying however when I wake up and find that I have missed my exit on the motorway. Or the zoo keeper tells me not to make a noise so as not to irritate the lion.

      God bless, Jan.

      Delete
  9. Nothing like a good nights sleep.
    Creepy about the spiders though!!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Sleep is like work, nice if you can get it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey ho hey ho and off to sleep we go!

      God bless, Mimi.

      Delete
  11. So, I get a candy bar in the morning? Swiss chocolate that has really been made in chocolate with Swiss milk and butter...

    My daughter lives there.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes Susan, that is true. We lose enough calories when asleep equivalent to a small bar of chocolate.

      God bless.

      Delete
  12. HaHa...My dearest would disagree with you....if you are taking Lasix for CHF, you pee, and you pee a lot..it doesn't care if it's night time...I usually go too, just to keep him company...and to make sure his aim is good!! Thanks for keeping us laughing!! Good medicine!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Agreed Wanda. I did not account for any diuretic people might take. I remember when I went to the doctor about water on the knee. He told me I am not aiming straight.

      God bless.

      Delete

I PRAY FOR ALL WHO COMMENT HERE.

God bless you.