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Good evening. Here is the News.

On Tuesday a woman was rushed into hospital with two burnt ears. Apparently she answered the phone whilst ironing. The doctors asked her how she burnt her other ear. She replied: "It happened when I phoned for an ambulance!"

 

A man was found asleep in a stationery van. Police say he was on a late delivery and fell asleep because he was on a staple diet of manila ice cream.

A tornado hit our part of town on Wednesday causing £2 worth of damage when a potted plant fell from a window sill three floors up and narrowly missing a man's mother-in-law by inches. Undeterred, he threw down another pot from his window; but the insurance company has turned down his claim for the broken pot because it was not an accident.

After a freezing spell on Thursday night the Park Rangers found a short bank manager wearing a kilt suffering from frostbite underneath a tree in our local park. Apparently he had frozen assets. 

On Friday evening aliens from outer space visited our neighbourhood and turned a man into fish sticks. His family are totally distraught and unsure whether to freeze him or fry him and have him for supper. They reported the matter to the police who told them that grilling is a healthier option than frying.

Our City University has carried out extensive research and discovered that four out of ten children are conceived in IKEA beds. Which is surprising considering those shops are usually well-lit.

Also, at the local University a professor has announced that dinosaurs were wiped out by a giant asteroid hitting the earth because they all stood in the same place.

In the neighbouring village a cement mixer collided with a prison van. The police are looking for some hardened criminals.

Our Local Authorities have announced new plans to shorten the unemployment line. They've asked people to stand closer together.

After 3 millimetres of snow melted away on the local golf course a large hole six inches deep suddenly appeared on the green by the club house. The Golf Committee are looking into it.

A dog has escaped from the local Dog Rescue Centre and bit a tax inspector who was checking the accounts of the charity at the time. After treatment at the hospital, including tetanus and other injections, the dog was allowed to go back home.

An 80 years old farmer recently married a young bride of 25. After only six months of marriage he divorced her because he couldn't keep his hands off her. He has now fired his hands and bought himself a combine harvester instead.

Whilst visiting France on holiday a local dignitary returned with his head all bandaged up. Apparently, because he is so tall when in a Paris nightclub he hit his head against a "MIND YOUR HEAD" notice. 

We asked him if he did not see the notice. He said he saw it but he could not read French!

Finally, we have been advised to look out for an Internet thief who steals the end of sentences. The man is described as tall, bald and with a very big ...