My teenage daughter came home from school today and she was blazing mad.
“I’ve just done sex education in school today Dad, and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!”
I put down my newspaper and looked at her, “Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.”
I love selling stuff on the Internet to people who don’t know me.
I’ve sold the same homing pigeon 24 times now.
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all.
“How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me.
“Nothing” I slurred.
“Look at me!” she shouted, “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought, and said, “It’s you, I can tell by the voice.”
My biggest regret is my mother-in-law didn’t live long enough to attend my wedding. She was the one person who might have stopped it.
A lumberjack applies for a job and gets called for an interview. The interviewer asks him, “So, what experience do you have?”
The lumberjack replies, “Well, I used to work in the Sahara Forest.”
The interviewer is a little taken aback and asks, “The Sahara Forest? Don’t you mean the Sahara Desert?”
The lumberjack says, “Yeah, that’s what they call it now.”
I went to watch a topless ventriloquist last night. She was amazing; I never saw her lips move once.
I walked into the dentist’s and said, “I think I’m a moth.”
The dentist said, “I don’t think you should be here. You need to see a psychiatrist.”
I said, “I am seeing a psychiatrist.”
He said, “If you are already seeing a psychiatrist, why are you doing here then?”
I said, “The light was on.”
My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up. Guess who’s not allowed in my tree house any more.
I’ve been dating this really attractive girl who’s a twin. My friend asked me how I tell them apart.
I said, “That’s easy – her brother has a beard and a long moustache.”
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge. It said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What does she mean, ‘It’s not working?’
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband'
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for a luxury liner appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful idiots should remember fairies are female.