I used to be in a band called “Sold Out”. Our gig posters looked great, but no-one ever came.
Someone just stole my mood ring. I’m not sure how to feel about that.
A cosmetic surgeon recently moved in to my sleepy little town. He raised a few eyebrows.
Change is inevitable……except from vending machines.
The inventor of throat lozenges has died. There’ll be no coffin at his funeral.
My fear of moving stairs is escalating.
My wife left me because of my depression. Which cheered me right up.
My dyslexic son came last in the school pottery contest. He wrote a poem.
Scientists have finally discovered what women really want. Trouble is, now they’ve changed their minds.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD but all the letters are in alphabetical order as they should be.
My wife said she is leaving me because I’m too impatient. I can’t wait.
The book on chronology I ordered has finally arrived. It's about time.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.
When I ate the last cookie without sharing, my elderly granddad pointed at me and said, "Selfish!" So I became a fishmonger.
When someone asks me if I'm seeing anyone, I automatically assume they're talking about a psychiatrist.
HaHa! Matt's Quick Maths...Yes! Well...Where was l..ReplyDelete
Oh! Yes! zzzzzzzzzZ...! :O)
A few more one liners then...
Let's call them two liners..
When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money? 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂
Good ones. Especially the last one!Delete
God bless, Willie.
Keep smiling Sandi.Delete
...I LOVE one liners!ReplyDelete
So glad you enjoyed this selection, Tom.Delete
Some good ones here.ReplyDelete
Happy you liked them Kathy.Delete
God bless you.
Giggling! I strongly identify with the one about OCD.ReplyDelete
It's good to giggle, Mevely. Laughing is good.Delete
God bless, my friend.
Hi Victor, your name should be ' Dick', you are very clever.ReplyDelete
I'm glad you liked my offerings today, Brenda. A little humour every now and then.Delete
Keep on laughing, Bill.Delete
Enjoyed 'em all but my fav:.........I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.................ReplyDelete
LOL Be safe over there... ;-)
It's good to be a pessimist Jack. If things work out well you're happy. If they don't, you can tell everyone I told you so.Delete
Best wishes of happiness to you and yours. God bless.
Love the 'coffin–coughing' and the B–negative blood type making you a born pessimist!
Sure glad that my blood type is A–positive!
It's good to be always positive, Mariette; trusting in God in everything.Delete
God bless you.
Lots of fun here. It was a long year last week, so i needed the laughs!ReplyDelete
Thank you, Mimi. Praying for you my friend. God bless.Delete
Keep on laughing, Happyone. God bless.Delete