I used to be in a band called “Sold Out”. Our gig posters looked great, but no-one ever came.
Someone just stole my mood ring. I’m not sure how to feel about that.
A cosmetic surgeon recently moved in to my sleepy little town. He raised a few eyebrows.
Change is inevitable……except from vending machines.
The inventor of throat lozenges has died. There’ll be no coffin at his funeral.
My fear of moving stairs is escalating.
My wife left me because of my depression. Which cheered me right up.
My dyslexic son came last in the school pottery contest. He wrote a poem.
Scientists have finally discovered what women really want. Trouble is, now they’ve changed their minds.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD but all the letters are in alphabetical order as they should be.
My wife said she is leaving me because I’m too impatient. I can’t wait.
The book on chronology I ordered has finally arrived. It's about time.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.
When I ate the last cookie without sharing, my elderly granddad pointed at me and said, "Selfish!" So I became a fishmonger.
When someone asks me if I'm seeing anyone, I automatically assume they're talking about a psychiatrist.