## UBI CARITAS ET AMOR. DEUS IBI EST.

UBI CARITAS ET AMOR. DEUS IBI EST.

## Monday 23 May 2022

### Sir Laugh-A-Lot

Last night I was walking down the street when I saw a guy trying to grab an old lady’s purse, so I ran over to help. We got it off her eventually.

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I went for a job interview today and the interviewer said to me, “According to your CV, you’re really quick at mental arithmetic.”

I said, “Yes, that’s right.”

He asked me, “Okay, what’s eighteen multiplied by nineteen?”

I replied, “Thirty-nine.”

He said, “No, that’s not even close.”

I said, “No, but it was quick.”

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I’m worried my wife is getting forgetful. She’s just told me she can’t remember what she ever saw in me.

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My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my home, then I got a ride from the delivery guy. Cheaper than a taxi and I got a pizza as well.

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In the furniture store, the sales guy told me the sofa would sit five people without any problems. Then it occurred to me, I don’t know five people without any problems. Have you got a problem? Come round so we can discuss it.

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A guy is walking through the woods one day when he comes across a suitcase. He takes a look inside, only to find a fox and her cubs.

So he rings the Animal Welfare people and tells the woman who answers what he’s found. She says, “Oh, that’s horrible. Are they moving?”

The guy replies, “I don’t know, but that would explain the suitcase.”

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A student reports for her university final exam which consists mainly of  true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.

"I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."

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This woman’s husband had been ill in hospital for several months. He is sadly nearing the end but she remained faithfully by his bedside every single day.

Then one day, he motioned for her to come nearer to him.

As she moved closer and sat beside him, with eyes filling with tears he whispered into her ear, “You know what? You’ve been with me through all the tough times. When I got fired from my job, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there for me. When I got shot during a hunting accident, you were by my side all the time. When we lost the house, you stayed right here with me. And even when my health started failing, you were still by my side … You know what?”

“What dear,” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth, her eyes welling with tears.

He said, “I think you’re bad luck …”

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My wife said she’s leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants.

Guess I won’t be needing those any more.

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My boss pulled up to work in a beautiful new top-of-the-range car today.

I complimented him on it and he said to me, “Well, if you get your head down and work hard, set goals and stay committed to them, be determined and work long hours…. maybe next year I can get an even better one.”

1. ...quite a collection, Victor.

1. I carry a few jokes in my pocket with me to cheer me up.

God bless, Tom.

2. And the day came when the rise it took
to remain tightly closed in the bud was
more painful than the risk it took to bloom!
This is the Element of Freedom...!

One liners...Off the top of me head...
What do you call a singing laptop..?
A Dell..

How does a salad say grace..?
Lettuce pray..

What do you call a bear with no teeth..?
A gummy bear..

Why did the gym close down..?
It just did'nt work out..

"When l was five years old, my Mother always
taught me that happiness was the key to life.
When l went to school, they asked me what l
wanted to be when l grew up..l wrote down
'HAPPY'. They told me l did'nt understand the
assignment, l told them they did'nt understand
life". John Lennon..!

What's grey with a BIG trunk.....A mouse, going
on holiday...!
🐭 🐁 🐭 🐁 🐭 🐁 🐭 🐁 🐭 🐁 🐭 🐁

1. I never knew about the John Lennon quote. Thanx for this, Willie. A lot of people are so busy living that they forget to be happy.

Thank you also for the one-liners. God bless.

3. These are some of the best jokes I've ever read, Victor. Bravo!

1. I'm so happy when my readers smile, Martha.

God bless you always.

4. This is the most fun we have had in awhile. Son sat here and read the post, we all laughed until we were completely silly. Thanks for joining the family. But we do have problems, so we will be over as soon as we figure out how to get there, son doesn't like water and will not fly. LOL

1. It's so sad that there is such a long distance between us. I really don't like travelling any more. Everywhere here is so far away. America is far away, Canada, Australia, Europe ... everywhere. Why is the UK so remote from everywhere else? I like that machine in Star Trek where you can travel quickly, or the one in Star Gate where you walk through a circle and you're there. Over here, I can walk through a door and I'm in the bathroom. Not the same somehow.

Glad I made you and the family smile Jack. Thanx for visiting me.

God bless y'all.

5. Dearest Victor,
Great jokes Sir–Laugh–A–Lot!
Sounds even better on a dreary rainy day...
Hugs,
Mariette

1. I have a selection of jokes to cheer me up on grey days like today. Not raining yet ... but it will soon.

Keep smiling my friend. God bless you and Pieter.

6. I agree with Martha ... kudos, Victor! Actually, the pizza delivery is a brilliant idea. I wonder if anyone's actually tried that.

1. It pleases me so much, Mevely, when my readers, and friends, enjoy my moments of silliness. Life is too serious these days. A bit of laughter helps a little.

I liked the pizza joke too. It would have cost more if it was a family sized pizza. But I bought a small single portion one and then sent my wife to pick up a larger pizza.

God bless always.

7. Nice collection of funnies!! :)

1. It's always good to laugh, Happyone.

God bless.

8. No, i don't know people who don't have problems, and that includes me. Next time my car breaks down, i'll just go to the nearest pizza place so i can buy dinner and get home.

1. We all have problems Mimi; especially when our car breaks down and we are not near a pizza place.

God bless you and yours.

9. A sense of humor can brighten up a miserable rainy day.. I’m glad to have you to rely for that. It has been gloomy here today too. Thanks for the giggle. It even cheered me up while I did the laundry. Happy day to you.

1. It's been somewhat gloomy here too, Nells; but it did not rain much. A joke or two can help cheer us up, even when doing the laundry ... so says my wife.

God bless you and your family.

I PRAY FOR ALL WHO COMMENT HERE.

God bless you.