I need to cheer up

 

An Eskimo brings his friend to his home for a visit. When they arrive, his friend asks, puzzled – “So where’s your igloo?”
“Oh no, I must’ve left the iron on…”

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A new boss is appointed in an office, and he has a really fierce reputation.
He’s walking through the office for the first time when he spots a guy just leaning against a doorframe, doing nothing just staring in mid-distance.
The boss decides to show everybody how things are going to be from now on. He approaches the guy and asks him sternly, “What is your monthly salary?”
“£1200,” replies the man, a bit surprised.
The boss whips out his wallet, thrusts £600 at the guy and yells, “There’s your two weeks’ pay, now get out of here and never show your face again!”
The guy takes the money and leaves. The boss, feeling good he’s shown everybody how idle hands are dealt with, asks, “So what was that lazy jerk doing in this place?”

A clerk shrugs, “He just delivered our pizza.”

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When I look at chocolate, I hear two voices in my head…… The first one says: “You need to eat that chocolate.” The other voice goes: “You heard. Eat the chocolate.”

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My friend talked me into lending her money for plastic surgery. I’ve been trying to get it back for months. Unfortunately, I have no idea what she looks like these days.

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I saw a poster today, somebody was asking “Have you seen my cat?” So I called the number and said that I didn’t. - I like to help where I can.

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I’m dating this wonderful girl and she has a twin. People often ask me how I can tell them apart – but it’s easy, really. Jane likes to paint her fingernails and Pete has a beard.

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How can they call it "Alcoholics Anonymous" when the first thing you do is you stand up and say,
‘My name is John and I am an alcoholic’?

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My friend went to jail. He didn't take it very well. He was yelling insults and attacking everyone, he even threw his food all over the wall. I don't think we will play Monopoly with him again.

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Police officer: “Sir, I don’t understand. You lost the credit card a year ago, why are you reporting it now?”
Guy: “The thief wasn’t spending nearly as much as my wife used to…”
Police officer: “But why report it now?”
Guy: “I think the thief’s wife got hold of it now.”

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We had a first date. When I brought her to her door, she suggested, “Do you want to come up for a cup of coffee?”
I said I don't really like coffee. She winked at me and said that it’s OK because she doesn’t have any coffee anyway.
I just left. I hate it when people are this illogical.

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Not every badly unkempt guy is homeless. It could well be that he lives with 4 females and only 1 bathroom.

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Little Johnny asks his father: "Where does the wind come from?"
"I don't know."
"Why do dogs bark?"
"I don't know."
"Why is the earth round?"
"I don't know."
"Does it disturb you that I ask so much?"
"No son. Please ask. Otherwise you will never learn anything."