Advice Required

 

I need some advice from my readers, especially Tom and Bill.

Whilst on a river cruise holiday last year a man fell overboard. Should I have used my cell-phone camera to take a photo, or my Fujifilm Finepix camera which I had with me at the time?

Get me there on time

 

When I have to go somewhere I like to get there early. Preferably 24 hours early or a week even.

Today I had to go from my city to another big city to meet a marketing executive who said she can increase my book sales. The journey consists of a taxi from home to the railway station, a train ride lasting more that an hour and another taxi ride to her office at the other end.

I was keen to create a good impression and get there on time. The night before I prepared all my business papers, records of book sales, and other documents and even got dressed and wore my best tie and slept standing up by the front door ready for the pre-booked taxi. I had phoned the executive's secretary and suggested I come early and spend the night with her; but she said it would not be ethical. That is, to spend the night with the executive and/or her secretary.

At the railway station I was annoyed whilst waiting for the train with all the advice on the loudspeakers and on the electronic boards. Advice like:

The weather is very hot today. Make sure you carry some water with you to avoid dehydration which can affect your health.

Also ensure that you wear a hat or other head covering, especially if you are light-haired (presumably meaning bald as a coot).

If you loose a shoe, do not walk with just one shoe as this may cause you to unbalance and fall; or it would wear out the sock in the shoe-less foot. To avoid this please ensure you have another pair of shoes with you.

Why can't they just bring the train along and let's get moving?

On the train I got even more irritated by a man talking loudly on his cell-phone. These things should be banned in open-spaces. This is the one-sided conversation.

Thank you for looking after Daisy for me. How is she?

Is she? Oh dear ... she does sometimes bark and growl ... she gets upset when I'm not there.  

Have you fed her? Give her another biscuit ... she's still growling?

Try singing to her ... yes, singing ... it often quietens her down ...

Try Presley songs ... You ain't nothin' but a hound dog, Cryin' all the time, You ain't nothin' but a hound dog, Cryin' all the time, Well, you ain't never caught a rabbit and you ain't no friend of mine.

Is she still barking? Do it in a Presley voice. Yes, you can Mary. Just try ... Old Shep ... Daisy likes this one ...

I thought this idiot would go through Presley's whole repertoire just to annoy me. I had a good mind to give him a piece of my mind but I could ill afford it. Besides, he might well bite my leg.

I eventually did get to see the marketing executive on time. She asked me why are my books so generously priced? I explained that the intention was not to make money but just to cover printing costs. She thought I was an idiot. She did not say it but implied it by her demeanour. She suggested I encourage my readers to write positive reviews of my books on AMAZON.

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Advice

Omphaloskepsis

 Do you like giving advice to people? What kind of advice? Personal, medical, financial or what? 

Do you give advice when asked or when you think it's appropriate even when not asked for? When you see something you consider is wrong or needs correcting, do you seethe in silence or do you give advice to put the person on the right track? (Kindly of course.)

Do you ask for advice? What kind? Personal, medical or financial, or other? 

Would you discuss a medical matter with a friend first or a doctor straight-away?

Do you like receiving advice from people? When asked for?

How about advice you have not asked for?

My grand-father advised me years ago never to take advice from anyone. So I ignored his advice. Is that agreeing with him or not? Think about it.

Here's some free advice from me. If you go for a job interview, or meet an important person for the first time, balance a banana on you head. It will distract them and they'll perhaps talk about it. It would be a good ice-breaker to start a conversation. Either way you will certainly be remembered.

Do you give God advice? 

When praying do you tell Him what to do? Please help so and so, heal so and so, get me a good job, a promotion ... ... ...   

You'd be surprised how many people want to serve God in an advisory capacity.

Are you one of them? Sure?

OK ... do you take God's advice? How many bits of advice from God or Jesus can you remember and quote below?

Try a few ... ... ...

Advice Please

 

I am guessing that most of you have a fence in the back garden separating your place from the neighbours'. Over here, fences are usually made of wood and are about six feet high, thus providing visual privacy and also stopping your pets from running into other peoples' property. Although I noticed it has not stopped cats coming into my garden.

Anyway, I need your advice.

What would you do if you went in your garden and found a dead pigeon? Would you throw him over the fence into your neighbour's or would you bury it? It's not as if it was a beloved pet, is it?

What if it was a dead fish? One of your fish is found floating on the surface of your pond dead. Would you throw him over the fence or bury him with the family standing all around?

What if it was one of your pets? A hamster, gerbil, rabbit or cat? Or even a cat that does not belong to you is found dead in your garden. What would you do?

Or what if it was your dog that died?

The reason I am asking this is because our horse has died and he is too heavy to lift over the six feet high fence.

He was one of a set of six I use when playing polo. Yesterday we played water polo and he drowned. 

What do I do?

Good Health Advice

 

Every so often I am inclined to do some research and share my findings with you. How inclined I am depends on the number of whiskies I have had.

Today, I would like to share with you some good health advice and information. There's so much advice on the net these days on what to do about this and that; but how can you be so sure that it is all accurate, truthful and reliable? The answer is you really cannot. You take the information at face value and hope it is not fake or false. So you might as well take my advice. It's as truthful as anything else out there.

We start about headaches. They can start as small tiny headaches or develop into real migraines. Many people take various pills for headaches. But a natural remedy is to sit down, place your hand flat on a table, and then hit it hard with a mallet. The pain in your hand will soon make you forget your headache.

As summer approaches people think of going on holiday. But not all places are safe. Some places can be bad for your health, so beware. Take the North Pole for instance. If you travel to the North Pole and sit on a block of ice you will get polaroids. They will develop quickly out of nowhere and each one is different. They also take a long time to fade away.

Drinking tea or coffee can be hazardous too to your health. I used to get a sharp pain in my eye whenever I drank tea. I went to the doctor and he told me to take the spoon out of the cup first.

As we get older we are not as agile and quick on our feet as years gone by. My doctor gave me a bottle of vitamins to help build my strength. When I got home I was so weak I could not even open the bottle. I had to go back to the doctor and ask him to open it for me.

He told me to take a pill every other day; take one on Monday, skip Tuesday, take one on Wednesday, skip Thursday and so on.  It worked for a while but all that skipping made me fall flat on my face.

The doctor changed the prescription. He suggested I drink a pint of stout beer every day. That worked. I bought a large barrel of stout which I had installed in the kitchen. When it arrived it took two big men to carry it inside. Two weeks later and I can now carry the barrel all by myself.

But you should never rely on what the doctor tells you. When I went to see my doctor to test my sense of humour, I saw a nun come out of his insulting room crying her heart out.

I went in and asked him why the nun was crying so bitterly. He said he'd just told her she was pregnant.

"Is she really pregnant?" I asked.

"No," he replied, "but I have cured her hiccups!"

He then asked me to get on the couch. I asked him why, and he said he needed to vacuum clean where I was standing because his cleaner did not turn up for work. Apparently his cleaner did not turn up for work because her car broke down. She wanted to work from home but could not do so because the Zoom connection broke down also.

I found a pen on the floor and gave it to the doctor. "Is it yours?" I asked. He wrote a few notes in a pad and said, "Yes, definitely mine!"

"How are you so sure?" I asked him. He replied, "This is my handwriting!"

My friend went to the same doctor. He gave him some suppositories and advised, "Put one in your back passage before you go to bed, then come and see me after a week!"

My friend did not understand properly and every night he opened the back door and put a suppository on the kitchen window.  

After a week he went to the doctor who asked him if he felt any better. "Those suppositories are useless," he said, "I might as well have put them up my backside for all the good they did!" 

Also coincidentally, when I visited an old lady the other day I noticed she had a suppository in her ear. When I pointed it to her she said, "Oh dear ... I wonder where I put my hearing aid?"

The thing about good health though is an attitude of mind. One should not dwell and stress too much about it. A friend of mine is such a hypochondriac that he has arranged when he dies he'll be buried next to a doctor just in case.

Finally, remember that an apple a day keeps the doctor away; but garlic is more effective.

And more finally, don't forget that most doctors agree that breathing regularly is good for you.

Advice

 

We all need advice from time to time. Usually we seek advice from someone we trust, someone we love, a person whose opinion we respect and value, an individual who will consider our problem and give honest practical advice.

Some people even seek advice from the Internet. Not always the best thing to do, but I can understand their desire to do so, hiding behind some sort of anonymity. 

Other people talk over their problems with complete strangers. You'd be surprised the number of people who speak to me when on the bus and before you know it they are telling me their life's problems and seeking my opinion. 

I usually like to sit quietly on the bus eating pickled onions, or beetroot, or cucumbers from various jars I carry with me for emergencies. And yet somehow, I always attract some stranger seeking advice. Only the other day I was enjoying some chilli con carne on the bus when someone asked me for my views about the UK's economic policy towards the European Community now that we have left the EEC. I told him that olives are too expensive.

When you seek advice it is important that you value the person you seek advice from. You do not want someone who'll sympathise with you, however genuine that is, and just tell you what you want to hear. What's the use of that? You might as well seek advice from a mirror.

In Olden Days people used to go to oracles to seek advice. The oracles would look into chicken entrails and tell you what you should do. Usually they worked in groups; but sometimes there were singletons doing such work. They were called monocle. The practice of looking into chicken's entrails has now stopped because the chickens used would stop laying eggs.

I normally ask advice from people who will be interested in what I say, especially if it is not their speciality and they can take an open-minded view of my problem. For example, I would go to a lawyer and ask him for advice on how to mend a leaking faucet. It is not his speciality, but it would certainly focus his mind in giving me a practical solution.

Recently I asked my plumber about a medical problem I had. I told him I had water on the knee. He said I was not aiming straight.

This giving advice unrelated to one's profession seems to be spreading. I was at the doctor's last week and he asked me, "do you have a problem passing water?"

I replied, "I get a little dizzy when crossing a river ... !"

He told me to lie on his couch. I asked him why. He said, "I want to vacuum clean just where you're standing. The cleaner has not come in today. She is also a Counsellor at the local Home For Distressed Weasels."

So there you have it. Always seek advice before you make a decision. It does not matter whether you take the advice or not. If you take the advice and things don't work out well you can blame it on the advisor. In some cases you might also be able to sue him in Court for bad advice. True ... ask an electrician or a fishmonger ... they'll tell you. It is not their field of specialism, so they're bound to be right.

Never Pick An Argument With A Woman

 

My Grandfather told me years ago never to have an argument with a woman.

DISCLAIMER: I don't think he meant all women. Some women are very reasonable you know ... like those visiting here.

(Phew ... ... ... that was close!)

As I was saying ... a few days ago I got into an argument with a woman without even saying a word. I was at the supermarket minding my own business and doing the shopping whilst following the list I was given when I heard this female voice behind me.

"You mustn't buy that melon," she said, "it is not ripe. It's as hard as stone and will taste of cucumber. It will never ripen at home. Here, let me help you."

She picked up another melon and said, "You've got to squeeze them hard here, and here, and see if the skin gives under your thumb. If it does, it is ripe. If not, put it back for some other mug to buy it!"

I said nothing and smiled.

"I see you got some tomatoes," she continued, picking them from my trolley, "they are too soft and squelchy. You need them a bit harder for a salad. Here, let me change them for you. And that cucumber too ... it's too short and will taste bitter. Short cues always do, because they have not matured properly. I'll get you a better one."

I was about to say something but then I remembered my Grandfather's advice. I did not want to start an argument with her in public. Certainly not in the supermarket. 

I got thrown out of there once for standing in the "baskets only" checkout queue when I had a trolley. I explained that I had only two items in my trolley, fewer than any of the other people with baskets with several items. But the manageress won the argument and threw me out. My Grandad was right all along. Women!!!

Anyway, I said nothing as she came back with another packet of tomatoes and a new cucumber. She then rummaged into my trolley and criticised my choice of bread, the cheese I had bought, and several other items which were wrong and could be improved with her help. 

To add to my embarrassment, she picked up an item and said in a loud voice, "shame on you buying this ... you being Catholic and all!"

That's when my wife came on the scene having been elsewhere in the shop and she said, "Mom ... leave him alone. I am training him to do the shopping!"

So there you are ... never pick an argument with a woman; especially your mother-in-law.

I remember on another occasion my wife and I were walking in the park and we saw three men attacking mom-in-law and trying to steal her handbag. I stood there shocked.

My wife said, "aren't you going to help?"

I said, "No ... three against one is a fair fight; your mom would lose if it was four against one!"

Helpful Advice

 

Years ago, my grandfather said to me, "Never take advice from anyone!" So I ignored him.

My other grandfather said to me, "There are two words in life which will open many doors for you, PULL and PUSH."

My other grandfather said to me, "If you walk in someone else's shoes for a mile or two, then they'll accuse you of stealing them!"

My other grandfather always used to say, "Fight Fire with Fire!" He lost his job in the Fire Brigade.

My other grandfather used to say, "Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me!" One day a dictionary fell on him from a high shelf.

My other grandfather said to me, "What does not kill you will not hurt you." I got diarrhoea.

My other grandfather said to me, "Don't worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow has already happened in Australia!"

My other grandfather asked me, "How many grandfathers have you got?" I replied, "Don't ask me, ask grandma!"

Radio Phone-In

 

Have you noticed how on radio or TV phone-in programs the presenter, or guest, or Agony Aunt, are always very polite to the callers, regardless of the stupidity of their questions.

RADIO ANNOUNCER: Hello everyone. We have on the program today Henrietta Hat, the Agony Aunt of a well-known magazine. She is here to answer your questions. And ... we have a caller on the line ... over to you caller ...

CALLER 1: Hello ... I'm a bit nervous ... this is my first time on your program ...

RADIO ANNOUNCER: Don't worry we're all friends here. What is your question? 

CALLER 1: Well ... some days I seem to be eating a lot. I have breakfast. Then go back to the fridge and have something else, like a piece of cheese. Then potato chips and this and that. It's like I can't stop myself. Why is that?

HENRIETTA HAT: It's either because you've got worms or you're a greedy so and so ...

RADIO ANNOUNCER: Easy ... easy ... Henrietta. That's not how we talk to our callers.

HENRIETTA HAT: Well someone's got to tell her the facts or else ...

RADIO ANNOUNCER: We now move on to another caller on line two. Hello caller. What is your question?

CALLER 2: Ehm ... I'm hesitant because my problem is like the previous caller. Sometimes I go to the fridge, open the door, look here and there and don't fancy anything, so I close the fridge and go away. I keep doing that, but never find something good to eat. 

HENRIETTA HAT: Good Heavens ... not another one ...

RADIO ANNOUNCER: Easy now Henrietta!

HENRIETTA HAT: Well, the solution is simple. Either fill the fridge with things that you like to eat; or better still, take the fridge door off. This way you won't need to open and close the fridge and loose the cool air inside. You know how to take the door off, don't you? Just unscrew the hinges, or get your husband to do it for you!

RADIO ANNOUNCER: That's not very politically correct, Henrietta. Telling her to get her husband to do it. I'm sure she's perfectly capable to ...  

HENRIETTA HAT: Oh phooeee ... there's too much political correctness these days. Look where it got us. If she can't make up her mind whether to eat or not she'd hardly have the brains to unscrew the hinges off the door ...

RADIO ANNOUNCER: What's you're problem Caller Number 3?

CALLER 3: I keep dreaming I am being chased by a mandrill.

HENRIETTA HAT: What's a mandrill?

CALLER 3: I don't know.

HENRIETTA HAT: How do you know it is a mandrill chasing you?

CALLER 3: Because he has a badge on his chest saying "Mandrill". He is chasing me and I run away. And he takes my electronic tablet on which I have stored all my books to read. And he breaks it and eats it.

HENRIETTA HAT: That's one weird dream, lady. Does it happen often?

CALLER 3: Yes ... every night for the past month. I told my husband about it.

HENRIETTA HAT: Does he look like a mandrill, perhaps? What did your husband say?

CALLER 3: What's a mandrill? He did not know what it was either.

HENRIETTA HAT: What happened next?

CALLER 3: My husband suggested I go to a psychiatrist. Which I did.

HENRIETTA HAT: That's a good move. What did the psychiatrist say?

CALLER 3: What's a mandrill?

HENRIETTA HAT: So we've established that neither you, nor your husband, nor I nor the psychiatrist know what a mandrill is. For all we know you might be being chased by a monkey. I 'll ask the Radio Announcer ...

RADIO ANNOUNCER: I have looked it up in the dictionary whilst you were talking.

HENRIETTA HAT: And?

RADIO ANNOUNCER: It's a French dictionary ... and someone has torn out the whole M section.

HENRIETTA HAT: Look caller, next time you have this dream just draw on a piece of paper who is chasing you and come back to this radio program next week. In the meantime, we'll try to find out what  a mandrill is. This may be very significant in interpreting your stupid dream. Goodbye! 

RADIO ANNOUNCER: Next caller please.

CALLER 4: Hi ... I sometimes wake up in the morning and feel very lethargic with low energy. What is that?

HENRIETTA HAT: Simple ... you are a lazy man who should be at work to feed your family ...

RADIO ANNOUNCER: You can't say that, Henrietta. You can't call our callers lazy.

HENRIETTA HAT: Why not? If it's the truth.

RADIO ANNOUNCER: And that's the end of the show ... doesn't time fly? See you all next week listeners when our guest will be someone really different ... I hope!

Cat Advice Required

I think the cartoon above explains it all. We have a lot of cats visiting our garden as if they own it; and I am getting fed up with it.

The cats belong to neighbours from all around who let their cats wander wherever they wish, but mostly in our garden it seems. I've tried talking to them gently, the neighbours that is, not the cats, but I might as well be talking to the cats for all the good it did. The neighbours replied politely that cats are free creatures who like to roam wherever they wish and it is their right (the neighbours) to let them go wherever they wish. I argued that the rhinoceros is also a free creature who likes to roam freely and if I had one as a pet and it went through the garden fence, or rushed and head-butted their Jeep (or other off-road vehicle) as you see on TV, they'd soon have something to say about it. Somehow, this argument did not seem to gain traction with any of them.

What I find particularly irritating is when I open the window in the morning and there in the garden is a cat sitting comfortably, smoking a cigarette and drinking coffee, as if he owned the place. I try to shoo him away and he doesn't move, and looks at me as if thinking "Why is this idiot waving his hands in the air for?"

What is worse is when they leave their deposits all over the lawn. They say that cats always bury their deposits; well I tell you this is not true. Even if I leave a spade nearby in the garden to give them a hint, they take no notice. They leave their poos on the lawn and walk away happily expecting me to clean it up. It is worse when I miss a poo and it gets caught in the lawn-mower and flies in the air in a million pieces. What would happen, I wonder, if I went in the neighbour's garden and left my poo on their lawn? They'd soon have something to say about it, I tell you.

We've tried all sort of things to get rid of the cats. We bought little silhouettes of cats which you place in the garden to frighten any visitors. This did not work. We tried pellets which are meant to smell bad and get rid of cats. That did not work either. We tried electronic devices that sense a cat nearby and either let off a sound or a spay of water and that did not work either. Nothing seems to work.

Eventually I invented a cat trap on a spring. It's a platform on which I place some food. When the cat goes for it; it triggers the trap and the cat flies through the air into the neighbour's garden.

That did not work either on two counts - no, three counts.

1 When it has been triggered, I have to go out again and set it all over once more.

2 The cats enjoy flying through the air and they have invited all their friends to come and try it. Now we have even more cats visiting us.

3 The mother-in-law stepped on it and she flew in the air and got wedged between two branches of a nearby tree. It was embarrassing with her dress flying in the air revealing her enormous underwear. It took the fire brigade people over an hour to dislodge her and bring her down again.

So there you have it. We have cats visiting our garden leaving their deposits all over the place and we can't get rid of them. (The cats, not the deposits).

Any ideas anyone?

DISCLAIMER - No animals or humans have been harmed in the writing of this Blog. It all happened in the writer's imagination.

The mother-in-law was brought down to terra firma safely although one fireman had a slightly bruised shoulder in the process.