An intruder

 

What a frightening experience it was. I was in the front of the house, all alone, painting the corridor wall. I'd left the back door open to allow our dog access to the back garden. He can go in and out as he wants and he can guard the premises too.

The radio was on at full blast. I do like the music of the 60s and 70s when I'm working; and as there was no one in the house I could play it as loud as I want. I Can Get No Satisfaction sang the Rolling Stones, followed by The Beatles' Hey Jude, then The Monkees' I'm a Believer, The Beach Boys' Good Vibrations, Roy Orbison's Pretty Woman and many others.

Suddenly I felt someone was with me. No ... not a ghost. Not an alien from outer space. But a man standing there. I'd never seen him before. He could have been an alien from outer space; who can tell what they look like.

Anyway, there was this man standing there. An intruder ... in my house. He probably got in through the open back door. Why didn't Monster stop him? What is the point of having a dog called Monster if he cannot stop an intruder in broad daylight?

I switched off the radio. I had to defend myself in case he attacked me. There wasn't a weapon at hand. No umbrella, walking stick, baseball or cricket bat, chair, TV or even a pillow for a pillow fight! There would have been a pillow if I were upstairs in the bedroom. But not downstairs in the corridor. All there was to hand was the radio, the paint pot, and the paint brush. I decided the radio was too valuable to damage in a fight.

I picked up the paint brush and pointed it at him. "One step forward and you'll regret it," I said threateningly, "you'll be all blue and blue!" (I could not say black and blue which is the usual remark when someone has been beaten, because all I had was blue paint).

He  looked perplexed and confused. 

"I am your new neighbour, Jeremy Masters," he said stepping forwards to shake my hand. 

I pointed the paint brush at him as if it was a knife. 

"We moved in this morning," he said, "I rang the door bell but all I could hear was loud music. Elvis Presley and the like. I thought that perhaps someone had collapsed and could not come to the door.

"I went to the back garden and I noticed some of the fencing between us is damaged. Just as well; I'll get it fixed soon. But I squeezed through the gap in the fence and noticing your back door open, so I came in to check all is well. I know you're alone. I saw your wife and family leave earlier on. I came to invite you all to tea this evening ... about eight?"

"I don't believe you," I said dipping the brush in the paint pot and moving a step forwards. He moved back in response.

"Monster ... Here," I shouted, "I'll set my dog on you!"

Monster came in slowly and nonchalantly and sat at the man's feet.

"I'm leaving," he said, "your wife suggested I call on you and perhaps the two of us could go to the pub for a drink!"

I dipped the paint brush again. As he walked away I quickly shut the door behind him and painted a photo identification sketch of the man on the corridor wall and called the police.

They looked at the painting on the wall and said it was not enough to identify the intruder.

They went next door and met Jeremy Masters our new neighbour. Fortunately, whilst they were there my wife and family returned from the shops and my wife confirmed Jeremy's story.

She thinks I'm an idiot !!!

I think it's the dog's fault !!!