Beware - Catholic Jokes ahead

 

Hi everyone,

If like me you're a Catholic, you can either enjoy these jokes privately or you can disapprove by shaking your head at me. But whatever you do, do not tell my priest or the Pope about this post.

If you're not a Catholic, you can perhaps smile at us. For example, what is it with the Catholics about Sunday collections? Sometimes they pass the plate round twice, on one occasion they passed it round three times at one Mass. Our church has now installed a "payment by Credit/Debit card" machine. I am waiting for Confessions by email next. 

Anyway, here goes ...

A nun at a Catholic school asked her students what they want to be when they grow up. Little Mary declares, "I want to be a prostitute." "What did you say?" asks the nun, totally shocked.

"I said I want to be a prostitute," Mary repeats.

"Oh, thank heavens," says the nun. "I thought you said 'a Protestant!' "

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A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open-heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.

He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Send the bill to my Brother-in-law then." 

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A farmer goes to his priest and asks if he would conduct a funeral for his dead sheepdog. Obviously the priest refuses. The farmer is distraught and asks, "Tell me Father ... do you think if I go to the Anglican church down the road the vicar there would do the funeral for $100?"

The priest replies, "Wait a minute my good man ... you did not tell me the dog was Catholic!" 

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I remember as a young man going to confession; it was such a long time ago. I told the priest that a young lady and I had been amorous and we were not married. It was a mortal carnal sin, I believe.

The priest was shocked out of his cassock.

"That is terrible," he said, "terrible ... terrible is the word for it. Tell me, was it with Eileen from the butcher's shop?"

"No ..." I replied.

"In that case ... was it with Sophie from the baker's down the road?" he asked again.

"No Father ... it was not her," I said hesitantly.

"Or was it with Doris who works at the candlestick maker?" he persisted.

In fact it was not with any of the young girls he mentioned but he gave me some good leads in that confession.

 

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Once upon a time there was a priest who used a bicycle to go everywhere in his parish in order to save money and to save the planet. He even cycled all the way to another town when he had to see the bishop.

One day his bicycle was stolen. He rang the bishop to explain why he could not visit.

The bishop suggested that on Sunday he delivers a sermon on the Ten Commandments. "Read each Commandment in turn," he advised, "and then talk a little about each one. When you get to the seventh Commandment shout out loud THOU SHALT NOT STEAL, and then watch the congregation to see if anyone winces or shrinks in his seat, or looks down shamefully, or tries to leave. He is your thief."

The following week the priest cycled to the bishop. The bishop greeted him and said, "I see you got your bicycle back. Did you catch the thief?"

The priest replied, "actually, when I got to the sixth Commandment, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, I remembered where I left my bicycle!"

 

OK ... enough of that. I see our Deacon is visiting us. He's just got off his bike and is walking up our drive. I'd better stop now.  

Keep smiling my friends. God bless.