How to resolve matrimonial disharmony

 

First of all, an update on our marriage difficulties. For this weekend I have arranged something special for my wife. A luxury dinner at her favourite restaurant followed by a trip to the theatre to watch a ballet of some sort. (I confess I don't like ballet but I made the sacrifice in the name of love). The marriage counsellor we saw recently will pick her up tomorrow evening by luxury car and bring her back later. I won't be able to go because I'll be watching the Football World cup on TV. 

Now I know that every marriage has its difficult periods when disagreements come to the fore. Most are resolved amicably whilst others can lead to entrenched positions and total family breakdowns.

It's important to know which arguments are vital on principle and which ones are really not worth fighting to the bitter end. 

For example, in our marriage I decide how to run the economy and how the country should trade with other nations and my wife decides that I should stop talking and take the trash out because it will be collected tomorrow. 

Of course we've had other arguments in our marital bliss. 

At one point we went to see another Marriage Counsellor. He said that his wife is also a Marriage Counsellor and suggested that we all meet together, him and his wife, and I with mine, and try to resolve our issues together. 

I turned him down because I did not think the bed was big enough for the four of us together. .

Since then my wife and I have come up with a marital code on how to defuse arguments quickly before they get out of hand.

When an argument starts we both stop and wear a pan on our head. We go to the kitchen and pick up a suitable pan and wear it like a hat. Somehow, the argument in question gets into instant focus and seems easier to analyse and resolve.

Another alternative is to retire to different rooms and continue the argument by e-mail. We write to each other outlining our points of view and express our opinions and arguments in writing rather than talk them out. Somehow, writing things down takes longer than saying them and it makes us think before expressing ourselves. And it's all there on the screen so that you can refer to it again if your point has not been understood. Normally the argument is quickly defused because we get tired of writing anyway.

Another option is that each person has to outline their position on the argument for just a minute without hesitation, deviation or repetition. In just a minute you have to give your point of view. This sharpens the mind and makes you think whether the argument is really worth fighting over.

How do you resolve problems in your marriage?

My marriage breakdown ...

 

We've been having marriage problems. After such a long marriage we've decided, reluctantly on my part, to seek the advice of a marriage counsellor. 

He sat us down and asked politely how he could help us.

My wife immediately went into an angry tirade listing each and every problem she claims we've ever had in the 25 years we've been married.

She went on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, not listening to her, not helping in the house, and a long list of unmet needs she said she had endured over the course of our quarter century of marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist/counsellor  stood up, walked around his desk and, asking my wife to stand, he embraced her and kissed her passionately on the mouth. I was appalled. It lasted for a couple of minutes. I'd never seen kissing like that before; with his hands wandering all over her like that. 

When he finished, my wife shut up and, in a daze, quietly sat down.

The therapist turned to me and said, "This is what your wife needs at least seven times a week. Do you think you can do this?"

I hesitated and thought for a moment then replied, "Well, Doc, I can drop her off here on Mondays to Fridays, but at weekends I'm playing golf, football and I go fishing with my friends!"

Marriage Vows

 

Years ago when in France I was the best man at the wedding of my friend Yves Dominique Lefevre. On the day of his wedding he was very nervous; so to calm him down, before the ceremony in church, I took him to his favourite fast-food outlet for a quick snack.

He had frogs' legs, so he hopped all the way down the aisle to the front by the altar. He went at a snail's pace, but we got there at the end.

During the ceremony the priest asked him to say his vows. 

He said "Y A E I O U ..."

"Why Y?" I asked him.

He replied "Why Y? Be cos eet eez a vow in la belle France. Zee vows ere are Y A E I O U ... n'est ce pas?"

The priest was exasperated. Which is an unusual name to have, even in France. 

Can you imagine going through life as Father Exasperated, instead of being serene and humble.

Serene and Humble ... nice title for a TV Detective Series, don't you think?

Anyway, did you know in France they have extra bowels? Extra vowels too, it seems!

Do you need a marriage counsellor?

 

I volunteered as a translator at a local charity community centre. They also have volunteer lawyers, accountants, nurses and so on giving their free time to help. I am called in when someone does not know English well.

There was this French speaking couple, (I don't know where from). They were here on holiday, and they told their friend where they were staying, that they wanted a divorce. Their friend brought them to the centre to meet a Marriage Counsellor. As they spoke no English I was called in to translate.

After the introductions, the Counsellor started with the first question, "How many times a week do you have sex?"

"You can't ask them that," I told her instead of translating.

"Why not?" she replied looking at me sternly.

"For a start it is a personal question," I said, "and secondly, judging by the size of him, he would pulverise me!"

"It seems to me that you are afraid of the question," she said accusingly, "are you afraid of being intimate?"

"The only intimacy I am afraid of is his big fist against my face," I said, and not timidly either.

"So ..." she continued, "we have a couple here wanting to divorce. The first thing to find out is how close, how intimate, they are to each other. Do you consider you will ever divorce?" she asked me.

"No ... never ..." I replied emphatically.

"Why not?" she asked.

"Because I love my house," I said, "and the car too. Just bought it and would hate to lose it in a divorce"

"I think you and your wife need Marriage Guidance too," she advised, "my husband is also a Marriage Counsellor. Why don't we all four meet. Me and my husband and you and your wife?"

"I'd rather not," I replied more emphatically than before, "for a start it's too personal, and secondly our bed is too small for the four of us!"

In the meantime, the French speaking couple sat there silently. So I took the lead, and moving a touch backwards for security, I asked the huge man in French and in a French accent, "Monsieur ... do you love your wife?"

"Mais oui ... yes, very much so," he replied. 

I was taken aback. I then asked his wife, also in French and in a French accent, "Madame ... do you love your husband?"

"Mais oui ... yes, more than very much so," she replied looking at him.

I was surprised but could not go back any further because my chair was against the wall.

I then asked, "why then do you want to divorce?"

It transpired that it was cheaper. In their country, two single individuals pay less tax than a married couple. So it would be better if they were divorced and living, and loving, together.

I said, "but isn't your love for each other worth the extra tax you have to pay?"

She wiped a tear or two from her eyes. He suddenly got up, and before I could move, he kissed me on both cheeks and they then left.

"What's going on?" asked the Marriage Counsellor.

"They've decided to hire a room and go make love!" I said.

Till death do us part

 

FATHER FRANCIS MAPLE

SERMON HERE

WORTH READING AND SHARING

 

Lord save us from Marriage Counsellors

 

I volunteered as a translator at a local charity community centre. They also have volunteer lawyers, accountants, nurses and so on giving their free time to help. I am called in when someone does not know English well.

There was this French speaking couple, (I don't know where from). They were here on holiday, and they told their friend where they were staying, that they wanted a divorce. Their friend brought them to the centre to meet a Marriage Counsellor. As they spoke no English I was called in to translate.

After the introductions, the Counsellor started with the first question, "How many times a week do you have sex?"

"You can't ask them that," I told her instead of translating.

"Why not?" she replied looking at me sternly.

"For a start it is a personal question," I said, "and secondly, judging by the size of him, he would pulverise me!"

"It seems to me that you are afraid of the question," she said accusingly, "are you afraid of being intimate?"

"The only intimacy I am afraid of is his big fist against my face," I said, and not timidly either.

"So ..." she continued, "we have a couple here wanting to divorce. The first thing to find out is how close, how intimate, they are to each other. Do you consider you will ever divorce?" she asked me.

"No ... never ..." I replied emphatically.

"Why not?" she asked.

"Because I love my house," I said, "and the car too. Just bought it and would hate to lose it in a divorce"

"I think you and your wife need Marriage Guidance too," she advised, "my husband is also a Marriage Counsellor. Why don't we all four meet. Me and my husband and you and your wife?"

"I'd rather not," I replied more emphatically than before, "for a start it's too personal, and secondly our bed is too small for the four of us!"

In the meantime, the French speaking couple sat there silently. So I took the lead, and moving a touch backwards for security, I asked the huge man in French and in a French accent, "Monsieur ... do you love your wife?"

"Mais oui ... yes, very much so," he replied. 

I was taken aback. I then asked his wife, also in French and in a French accent, "Madame ... do you love your husband?"

"Mais oui ... yes, more than very much so," she replied looking at him.

I was surprised but could not go back any further because my chair was against the wall.

I then asked, "why then do you want to divorce?"

It transpired that it was cheaper. In their country, two single individuals pay less tax than a married couple. So it would be better if they were divorced and living, and loving, together.

I said, "but isn't your love for each other worth the extra tax you have to pay?"

She wiped a tear or two from her eyes. He suddenly got up, and before I could move, he kissed me on both cheeks and they then left.

"What's going on?" asked the Marriage Counsellor.

"They've decided to hire a room and go make love!" I said.

Marital Disharmony

 

OK ... let's be honest. Every marriage has its difficult periods when disagreements come to the fore. Some are eventually resolved amicably whilst others fester on and can lead to entrenched positions and total family breakdowns.

For example, after many years of marriage we still have not resolved how to run the economy and how the country should trade with other nations. I have my own well thought out and costed views on the matter, whereas my wife thinks I should stop talking and take the trash out because it will be collected tomorrow. 

There have also been many other arguments in our marital bliss, and it has always been me who gives way for the sake of peace and harmony and a good hot meal. For instance, I see nothing wrong in using a frying pan to boil water for the pasta. With a larger swimming pool as it were, the spaghetti have more room to swim and paddle and to soften up. My wife thinks I'm soft in the head.

At one point I went to see a Marriage Counsellor. He told me that his wife is also a Marriage Counsellor and suggested that we all meet, him and his wife, and I and mine, and try to talk and resolve our problems. I turned him down because I did not think the four of us in bed together was a good idea. Besides, the bed would be too small for such intimate discussions.

Talking of which; he told me that some people sleep with their pets in bed for comfort. Especially when one of the partners in a marriage is away travelling on business. I only once slept with my pet, years ago before I got married. When I woke up the bed was soaking wet and my goldfish had died.

Anyway, my wife and I have come up with a marital code on how to defuse arguments quickly before they get out of hand.

For example, when an argument starts we should both stop and wear a pan on our head. We go to the kitchen and pick up a suitable pan and wear it like a hat. Somehow, the argument in question gets into instant focus and seems easier to analyse and resolve.

Another alternative is to retire to different rooms and continue the argument by e-mail. We write to each other outlining our points of view and express our opinions and arguments in writing rather than talk them out. Somehow, writing things down takes longer than saying things and it makes us think before expressing ourselves. And it's all there on the screen in black and white, or whichever colour you write, so that you can refer to it again if your point has not been taken on board. Normally the argument is quickly defused because we get tired of writing anyway.

A third alternative when an argument starts is to use the radio program format which is popular over here. Each person has to outline their position on the argument for just a minute without hesitation, deviation or repetition. In just a minute I have to give my point of view. Then it's her turn. Then mine. Then hers and so on. The argument can be helped along with a drink of beer, whisky or wine or whatever after every minute. 

This last method had gained popularity in our marriage for some unknown reason. We now got to the point where we have to think up reasons to have an argument so we can resolve them this way. We even have arguments about which arguments to have.

I like my family. If it was not for my family I'd be arguing with perfect strangers. And it is not always advisable to drink with strangers. 

How do you resolve problems in your marriage?

Does God not want me to love her?

Young Reginald called at Father Ignatius’ office as arranged. He was a little nervous as he announced, “Father, I wish to get married!”

“Oh …” replied the priest hesitating for an instant, “You’re getting married. Congratulations. I wondered why you rang yesterday asking for an urgent meeting. I’ll get you some leaflets about the Marriage Encounter weekend. It will be held at the Monastery at the edge of town. It starts on a Friday afternoon all the way to Sunday afternoon and it is free. It is for couples intending to get married and there are various talks and discussions about the commitments we take on when we take this big step in life.”

Reginald smiled weakly and said nothing. The priest continued for something to say and to encourage the nervous young man to speak.

“Who is the young lady? How come you did not bring her with you?”

“She does not come to this church!” replied Reginald.

“Oh … she’s from a different denomination?” asked Father Ignatius, “that’s not a great problem. Many Catholics marry Christians from other denominations … other religions too. There are some things I’ll have to explain to both of you when we next meet!”

“No Father,” interrupted Reginald “she is not of any denomination or religion. She does not believe … I mean … she says there is no God!”

“I understand,” said Father Ignatius in his calm manner which he had honed over the years in order to defuse tense situations, “and how do you feel about that?”

“She’s not a bad person really …” said the young man, “she just says that there is no God. She doesn’t believe in anything.”

“Yes, I can see she is not a bad person,” smiled the priest to ease the tension, “you would not want to marry a bad person would you? But do you see the situation this creates? Both of you would be standing at the altar in front of God to make your vows, and one of you does not believe He exists!”

Reginald said nothing.

“And as you go on into married life, and you’re blessed with children, how do you intend to bring them up?” asked Father Ignatius tentatively.

“Oh … Helen believes that children should make up their own minds when they grow up what religion they should follow or whether there is a God at all,” the man replied without hesitation, “children should not be indoctrinated in any faith or belief!”

The priest noted that the young man’s response had been direct and very well-rehearsed; but he did not react to it.

“I have known you since you were a baby baptised at this very church,” he said calmly, “do you think you have been indoctrinated in any way?”

The man shrugged his shoulders and said nothing.

“Let me ask you something,” Father Ignatius went on, “let us imagine you had been brought up just like Helen suggested. Without any teaching or knowledge of God. Would you today have been a Christian?”

“I don’t know …” Reginald replied looking downwards.

“In that case it is a good thing you met Helen and got to know her,” Father Ignatius said, “because she has made you think about your own faith. She has made you question what you truly believe and why.

“As children grow up, they need guidance from their parents, and other adults. They need to be taught right from wrong, how to behave towards others, different values and morals, and how to be a good citizen and a member of society. It isn’t just religion that needs to be taught or not; but many different aspects of life. If we don’t teach religion, as Helen suggests, then we might as well not teach other things like good behaviour, the rule of law, and let youngsters make up their own minds when they grow up as to how they live and behave. We should not indoctrinate them in anything.”

“Does God not want me to love her?” mumbled Reginald.

“Of course he does,” said the priest, “you fell in love with Helen and that’s a good thing. You both love each other and wish to marry, that’s why you’re here. Many people don’t even bother to get married and just live together.

“What I am asking you to consider Reginald is two things primarily.

“First of all, I think you should question your own faith and beliefs. How truly do you believe in God? Now that you are an adult and can make up your own mind as Helen suggests, you need to examine your own beliefs and on what basis you hold these beliefs.

“On that first step, rests the answer to your situation. No one is telling you not to love Helen. Often people are attracted to each other and fall deeply in love. But for that relationship to last it should be based on some solid foundations. Both should agree on certain things as they go through life together. Why they’re getting married, whether they will both work or not, whether they’ll have children, what beliefs and values and standards are important and vital enough to impart to their children … and so on.

“I’m not sure how many of these things you have discussed with Helen; or whether you’d be happy for any children you have not to be raised in the faith.

“As I said, you need to think about your own beliefs first and move on from there. I’ll always be here to help you and Helen if you wish. Father Donald too can help. He runs the Christian Encounter sessions for people wishing to know more about being Christians.

“Why don’t you discuss all this with Helen and let me know what you decide. She is welcome to come along with you if you wish.”

She left me ...

 

It's terrible. Terrible I tell you. I never expected it, Terrible, what shall I do?

Sit down, calm down. Take a deep breath. Tell me what happened.

It's awful. She left me. My wife left me ...

What do you mean?

She just got up this morning and left me. And she took my sausages.

Your sausages?

Yes, she left me and took my sausages.

I don't understand.

What is there not to understand? After all these weeks of marriage it is all over. My wife left me and took my sausages.

It's the sausages bit I don't understand.

They were in the fridge. A new recipe I just invented. I was going to try them out on my customers today and now they're gone. She may even sell them to another butcher.

I understand ... I think ...

It's terrible. A disaster. My sausages are gone. What shall I do? My life is over.

Ehm ... if you don't mind me saying so ... you seem more worried about your sausages than your wife leaving you.

What do you mean?

Tell me ... if your wife had left you this morning but not taken the sausages how would you feel?

Eh? I don't understand ...

Do you love your wife?

Of course I do!

Do you love your sausages?

Yes, of course I do!

Who do you love the most? Your wife, or your sausages?

... ... ... ... ... I'm thinking ... ... ... I'm thinking ... ... ...

Will you marry me?

 

Years ago, before I got married, one day I was having a discussion with a priest about marriage. Sadly, he is now dead; but I recall he had an unusual attitude towards marriage, especially since he was a priest.

He said to me that young people should not get married unless they have lived with each other for a while first. Rather strange advice you might say. But being a Catholic priest, he added that they should not have sex before marriage. He limited their fun to playing Monopoly, Chess or Scrabble; he said with a smile.

He advised that people should get to know each other better before getting married. There is nothing like seeing a woman in bed with her hair in curlers and cream all over her face to make you decide whether you want to spend the rest of your life with her!

He was joking of course, but he made his point well. Often, people get married without really knowing the other person well. Their beliefs, their values in life, their ambitions, hopes and wishes. Whether they want to have children or not, what are their priorities in life and so on. Too many people, he claimed, get married because they "love" each other without even knowing what love is and the sacrifices and pains you sometimes have to go through to keep that love alive well after the honeymoon.

"Young people these days," he said, "are infatuated with each other seeing their knight in shining armour, or their princess, rather than experiencing the true meaning of love, caring, loyalty and affection which should ideally last them a lifetime together!"

He was a wise priest. And that was a long time ago.

I wonder whether young people today view marriage in the same context as he did.

Marriage Divorce Annulment

A few months after Joanna Hill was introduced to George Lomas by Father Ignatius, the couple fell deeply in love.

One evening they visited Father Ignatius in the Parish House, and after they had settled down to tea and biscuits George said:

“Father, we have some good news. Joanna and I are in love and we would like to get married. We hope you’ll do the honours, so to speak.”

“That’s good news for you two,” said the priest gently, “but there’s some difficulty with me officiating at your wedding.”

“I don’t understand,” said Joanna somewhat concerned at the news.

“You are divorced Joanna,” said Father Ignatius in his gentle voice, “the Catholic Church does not recognize your divorce. You are still married and therefore you cannot marry again in Church.”

“What do you mean?” said George, “she is properly divorced in Court.”

“Yes, that may well be so,” continued the priest, “that’s a civil divorce, but unless the marriage was annulled by the Church she is still married. The Church bases its teaching on the words of Christ: ‘Whoever divorces his wife and marries another, commits adultery against her: and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery,’ ”

“But that’s crazy,” interrupted George raising his voice a little, “are you saying that if I, as a single man never having been married … if I go around with various women, you’d forgive me in Confession. But if she marries me you’re accusing her of the graver sin of adultery?”

“Joanna was married in a Catholic Church, this one I believe, to a Catholic man, and her being Catholic,” explained the priest still maintaining his composure, “this being the case, and seeing that the marriage was not annulled by the Church, then she is still married in the eyes of God and the Church.”

“Hold on a minute,” George interrupted again, not noticing for a moment that poor Joanna was wiping her tears silently, “you said she married in a Catholic Church. So if she had married in an Anglican Church, or any other church, you would not have recognized the marriage?”

“That is strictly true,” said Father Ignatius, “if Joanna as a Catholic had married in an Anglican Church without the permission of the Catholic Church, and without the presence of a Catholic priest, then that marriage would not have been valid in the eyes of the Catholic Church. It then follows that her civil divorce would not have been recognised either and in all probability she would have been able to marry again in the Catholic Church.”

“This is totally mad,” said George getting a little angry, and still ignoring Joanna, “she married at 19 Father, and divorced her husband when she was 22. She was a mere child when he walked out on her and left her holding the baby … literally.

“That was over ten years ago Father. At the time she hardly cared about the Catholic Church. She was really distraught at having been abandonned by her husband and the last thing on her mind was to seek annulment. She tried to get her life together again and raised a baby on her own. Anyway, from what I hear annulments can take a long time and are worse than the Spanish Inquisition ...”

“George … stop it …” Joanna cried loudly.

“I’m sorry love,” he replied holding her hand gently, “I hate to see the Church … our Church … mistreat you so!

“I’m sorry Father for getting angry,” he apologized to the priest, “but you can see our dilemma.

“For whatever reason, regardless of who was innocent and who was at fault, this young couple in their early twenties divorced in a Civil Court.

“Is the Church seriously suggesting that Joanna cannot be intimate with a man for the rest of her life? Or else you’ll accuse her of adultery? Is that reasonable Father?

“Or do you want her to come to confess every time the two of us go to bed when we’re married?”

“Stop it … stop it …” Joanna cried loudly, “this has gone too far … I want to go home …”

She stood up and made her way out of the room followed by George.

Father Ignatius followed them silently to the front door, not having the chance to explain himself or the Church’s position.

The couple married in the Civil Court three months later.