Bedroom activities

 

Do you ever lie there in bed thinking? It happens a lot you know. Many people spend a lot of time thinking. Such a pity their thinking is not about improving the world and making it a better place.

When I was young I used to lie in bed and look up at the stars and think, "One of these days I'll have to fix that hole in the roof!"

These days of technology and gadgets it is all Apps, Apps and Apps everywhere. Perhaps if we told people that their brain is an App they'll use it more.

I think my bed is a magical place. I lie there and remember everything I forgot to do.

I was thinking the other day in bed, if we shouldn't eat at night because it causes indigestion then why is there a light in the fridge? 

Is snacking and eating this and that throughout the day a sign you're unhappy or depressed? What is happiness anyway? For me, happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family living in another town or city.

Seriously though, I love my family. If it was not for them I'd be arguing with perfect strangers. 

I love arguing and putting other people straight by correcting them. Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could slap eight people at once.   

I've just realised that I have not been to the gym today. That makes it five years in a row. I've decided to change calling the bathroom the John. I know call it the Jim and feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Lying in bed helps me think of things I have to do. I never rush into doing things. Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet. 

I've been advised to join help groups. I don't agree. I don't need anger management training. I need people to stop irritating me. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs working on.

Like the nurse who told me I should exercise. If God wanted me to touch my toes He would have put them on my knees.

From knees my thoughts drifted to toes again. Why do ballet dancers walk on tip-toes? Why not just hire taller dancers? When did this habit start and for what reason?

Do you remember the song Tiptoe Through the Tulips by Two Lips from Amsterdam? Or was it Tiny Tim? I'll look it up on YouTube when I get up from this bed. I can't be bothered to reach out for my laptop on the bed-side table nearby.

And before you say it, yes, of course I lie in bed talking to myself; I often need expert advice.

And finally, take my advice, an apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough!

Thoughts to ponder

 

A whole load of thoughts to off-load

 

I have a number of thoughts on my mind buzzing around. Perhaps you can help me with your views, opinions, advice or solutions. 

When you're at the supermarket and you've put all your shopping in your car, do you take the shopping trolley back to its rightful place or do you leave it there and drive off?

I just leave it and drive off. It's not because I'm lazy or thoughtless or anything like that. Quite the contrary, actually. I leave it there for the man employed by the supermarket to come out and collect all the trolleys and put them in the right place by the entrance. If I and everyone else did that, then that man would be out of a job. So I am helping him being employed.

And when I'm in the supermarket, I like to go to the check-out where there's an assistant taking my money. I never go to the self-service check-out where you do your own checking and pay by Card. If everyone did their self-checking then all the check-out assistants would be out of work. 

Time was, when you went to the petrol/gas station a man came and filled the car tank for you. He also cleaned the windscreen and put water in the radiator. Now it's all self-service and that man filling your tank has lost his job.

In the same vein, whilst driving home I saw a man with a trolley picking up litter from the side-walk. If every one took their litter home or disposed of it properly, that man would be out of a job.

I'm sure you can think of many other examples that if people behaved one way or another it would affect the non-employment of someone else.

If we all behaved steadfastly properly and we were on our best behaviour then the devil would be out of work. There'd be no one to tempt because we'd all be praying.

Instead, I often see sad faces around me everywhere, in the street, the shops and even in church. I tell you, some people in my church are a miserable lot. Christians should be happy, cheerful, joyful. If they've understood the Good News properly then being happy is the only option. If you want to make the devil mad; be happy!

But the world is full of anger these days. Too many people angry about something or other. The cost of living, their job, their situation, their marriage, their life even. One day they'll realise they spent their life being angry.

Why can't people wake up and be grateful for what they've got? And if they're not happy about something then do something about it. You can't expect God to solve all your problems. He is not Superman at your call ready to obey your every wish. He is God your Creator who loves you and expects you to do the same.

Do you want to make God happy? Do something good for someone else; and if you can, do it in secret so no one knows. Even the person you did good to.

The world is changing fast. And not for the better. Anyone aged 20 or under does not realise how much and how fast the world has changed. I mean it. Think back to the year 2000 and consider how much the world has changed.

What are you doing to make your little bit of it better?

Anyway, enough thinking. My brain hurts.

That sudden thing on your mind

 

I'm hoping you clever people out there can help me with this. I appreciate that only a few of you comment on my posts, and I thank you for that; but I also know from studying my statistics that many more visit here every day without commenting. I am grateful to you also.

This time I ask for your views and advice. Perhaps this will encourage you to comment.

Why is it that sometimes, totally out of the blue, (or whatever colour you choose), I get a tune in my head that will not go away? Where does it come from? And what triggers it?

Today, in the kitchen it was, whilst I was making a sandwich, peanut butter with raisins in case this is relevant; I suddenly got a tune in my head. There was no radio or TV on or any other stimuli to trigger this. I did not even know what the tune was.

So I hummed it to someone else in case they knew what it was. It went, "Naaa ... NaNa NaNa NaNa NaNa Nana Nanaaa ... Na Naaaaah ... Naaaah NaNa ... Naaah NaNa ... Naaahhh Nanaaaahhh!"

Do you know what it is?

I must have been good at humming it because I was told it was Guiseppe Verdi's Triumphal March from Aida.

Now, I am not necessarily an Opera fan. Nor do I know much about classical music as such ... were The Monkees classical music?  

So I looked up this Aida on YouTube. Sure enough, that was the tune in my head.

And therefore I ask you: where did the tune come from? Had I heard it sometime before and now it played back in that tape recorder we all have in our brain? If so, why? 

Has such a thing ever happened to you? I am not saying you hear a song and it sticks in your head. I am talking about a sudden out of the blue piece of music, (or other thought), without any link to anyhting else.

In my case it was peanut butter sandwich in the kitchen. What is the connection with Verdi? Did he like peanuts perhaps?

Musing on my musings ... amusing.

 

I was sitting in the sunshine in the garden thinking. The cat passed by. I told him to go away, "this is a monologue, not a catalogue," I said. 

He ignored me and climbed up a tree and over the fence into another garden. 

I was reading a book about ancient or family traditions and I thought. It is a tradition amongst some people that a right to passage when a child becomes a man is when the father takes his son for a drink in the pub. This reminded me of years ago I took my son out for his first pint.

Got him a Budweiser ….. he didn’t like it – I had it.

Then I got him Miller Lite ... he didn’t like it either so I had it.

It was the same with Guinness and other local beers. By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the pram home.

(I can imagine the e-mails reprimanding me about this. It did not happen, folks. It's only a joke. Besides, he was 21 at the time and too big to fit in the pram!)

I was 21 too when my father gave me parental advice to teach me to be a man. He said, "always take everything with a pinch of salt". He was a good man, but he made an awful cup of tea.

He then added, "remember son," he said as he chewed on a pipe made of licorice, "It is not what you know, it is who you know in order to get along and be successful in life. And you're lacking in both. In this world, there are two words that will open many doors for you however - PULL and PUSH."

He finished his pipe and started chewing bubble gum and said, "And another thing ... never ever take advice from anyone!"

So I ignored him.

I don't know why, but this reminded me of another incident many years later. It was in March and my wife told me that in nine months time I'll have a little surprise! I was so disappointed by Christmas that it was not another train set.

Life can be disappointing at times. You try your best and things don't turn out right. The other day I was walking along the street when I slipped in some dog poo. I stood there by a lamp post cleaning myself up when this big guy comes along and slips in the same poo. I said to him, "I've just done that!" He hit me in the face.

Moments later as I nursed a bleeding nose a policeman passed by and I told him what happened. He took my name and then said, "I recognise this name ..." he searched his notes and continued, "I have a note here that your dog has been reported to have chased someone on a bicycle!"  

I replied, "I don't think so ... my dog does not have a bike!"

He warned me not to let it happen again; which it won't since we don't own a bicycle anyway.

Did I ever tell you that I was mugged in London years ago? It was at night as I was getting home from the pub. A youngster stopped me and pointed a plastic knife at me, "Your money or your life!" he threatened.

It took me a while to make a decision because I did not have my wife with me at the time.

He hissed angrily, "Give me your money or you're geography!"

I replied, "Don't you mean history?"

He said, "Don't change the subject!" 

On another subject, I read in the papers that there was a faith healer in town. Apparently, he is the worst faith healer ever. He was so bad that a guy in a wheelchair got up and walked out!

What shall I write about?

 

You can imagine what it's like. I sit at my computer day after day ignoring all distractions just to write something interesting, educational or informative for you my readers to enjoy and be entertained.

It is not easy you know. Sometimes I wonder what else I can write about to ensure that you continue to visit me here; and also that you encourage and invite others to venture here too.

Do you realise that if each one of you encouraged just one more regular visitor here then there would be more readers to this Blog than there are empty pizza boxes in the kitchen.

Anyway, c'est la vie, as they say. It seems the road to my success is always under construction.

It reminds me of that day long ago when I met a beautiful woman in the museum in Paris. I thought I was in Louvre! Turned out I was in Seine as she pushed me in the river.

But I am much wiser now years later having learnt a lot about love and marriage. Did you know that behind every angry wife there is a man with absolutely no idea what he did wrong?

That's the thing about married life. One day you're the best thing since sliced bread; and the next moment you're toast.

Perhaps you wise people can advise me about this. I can't seem to get anything right. If you deliberately try to fail, and you succeed; which one have you done? 

I married my wife for her looks; but not the ones she is giving me right now!

The other day she said, "I asked you to take the trash out many times and you've still not done it!"

I replied, "Thank you my dear for explaining the word many to me; it means a lot!" She was not impressed by my wit.

She always complains that I never listen to her ... or something like that! She said, I'm forgetful. When I told the doctor I'm forgetful he made me pay in advance.

She often corrects me in discussion or when talking to friends. Does anyone know how to disable the auto-correct function on a spouse?

The other day my wife complained that I was useless at fixing electrical equipment. When I discovered that our toaster is not waterproof I was quite shocked.

Anyway, as you know, I often like to end up with a Christian story to make us all try to be better and lead a good life. This one is about stealing and cheating.

Once upon a time there was an unscrupulous painter who was very interested in making extra money if he could. He often thinned down his paint with turpentine to make it go a bit further. Sadly, he got away with this for some time.

One day he was painting the outside of the Church Parish Hall white. So he set about erecting the scaffolding and got up to start the job. 

Sadly, like always, this cheating man had thinned the paint with turpentine.

As he was painting away, the job nearly completed, there was suddenly a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened. The rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the Parish Hall walls, and knocking the painter clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by tell-tale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

The thieving painter soon realised that this was a judgement from above … ... ...

He got on his knees and cried, “Oh God … oh God … help me … what should I do?”

And just then a thunderous voice replied:

“Repaint !!! Repaint !!! And thin no more !!!”

The thoughts that come to mind.

 

I often sit down and just think. Better than thinking standing up. My thoughts fall down to my feet when I'm standing up.

I think about the good old days. They were neither good nor old. I was young at the time. I remember being raised in poverty. It was a town next to misery and despair.

Our house was always cold and damp. We had a permanent rainbow in the kitchen. The house was so small that even the mice were hunch-backed. There was no room to swing a cat. We had to do it outdoors. Despite our poverty we believed in nature and saving the environment. We used natural things where we could. For example, we tied a dead hedgehog to a stick and used it as a toilet brush.

My teacher at school told me once, "Some day you'll go far ... and I hope you stay there!" I was bad at Math. If I had 50 cents for every failed Math exam I would now have $4.27.

As a young man I was always ambitious. I once entered the world kleptomaniac championships. I took gold, silver and bronze.

I wanted to make it good in life. Never succeeded. I wanted to have a girl-friend and get married. I did not realise that marriage is a very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

My girl-friend at the time told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girl-friends. Neither of them liked that!

Honestly ... women ... I'll never understand them. My girl-friend liked chocolates, like many women do. She also liked shoes. Always buying shoes. She dropped many hints for her birthday. So I bought her a pair of shoes made of chocolate.

Eventually I married Miss Right. I did not know at the time her first name was Always.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. I was so hungry I ate a clock yesterday. It was time consuming. 

She has just called me pretentious about this last joke. I was so surprised that my monocle fell off. 

I hate it when people act so intellectual and talk knowledgeably about Mozart when they haven't seen even one of his paintings. 

For our honeymoon we went to Paris. I tried to climb a really tall tower; but Eiffel off! 

Good joke hein? Don't you hate it when people always answer their own questions? I do!

My wife and I laughed at this last joke. We often laugh at how competitive we both are. But I laughed more!

Where do the thoughts come from?

 

I was thinking the other day ... where do thoughts come from? Do they originate from one's brain, I wonder? Do they start as a small thought which grows bigger or is it a chain of little thoughts following each other? Like a train of thoughts. 

I went to the train station and they said that my train is cancelled due to shortage of staff. Why can't they employ taller ones?

My thoughts took me to when I was sixteen and I did not share my cake with my friends at school. The teacher witnessed it and muttered under his breath, "you selfish!" 

So when I left school I became a fishmonger.

Another teacher gave me good advice. He said there are two words in life which will open many doors for you - PULL and PUSH.

Years later as a young man I used to lie on my bed looking up at the sky, at the beautiful full moon and the hundreds of stars and think ... one day I'll have to put a roof on this house. 

One day I suddenly got very hot ... and the smoke alarm started screaming. And I thought ... why can't they put a snooze button on smoke alarms?

When the fire brigade arrived a fireman looked through the open window and shouted, "can't you hear the fire alarm?"

I said, "Yes I do, but there's no way of switching it off!"

When I was young I grew up in a very rough district. Poverty, crime and deprivation. Bad neighbours and parents who did not care much for their children. My friend Eric did not know what it felt like to be wanted until he saw his photo on a police notice board.

It was the sort of neighbourhood where if you asked people for directions they would show you the way and then follow you to make sure you got there.

My parents were very good to me. But they often made me walk the plank ... we did not have a dog. Like most people we were very poor. We could not even afford the essentials. For example, we used to tie a dead hedgehog to a stick and use it as a toilet brush.

Our toilet door had no lock on it. We were all good singers. Except me. I used to sit with my leg stretched out against the toilet door. Sadly, I forgot it opened outwards.

As I recall people in them days were often sick. Dad's friend went to the doctor's with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in the right ear.

"What's the matter with me?" he asked the medic.

The doctor replied, "You're not eating properly!"

I remember one day there was a terrible accident at a wedding. The photographer was badly injured when a huge lump of cheese fell on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

Anyway, I was thinking  ... do you realise that coffee is not everyone's cup of tea?

History too; and geography, not everyone likes them. Did you know that  the Battle of Hastings took place on 14 October 1066 between the Norman-French army of William the Conqueror and an English army led by King Harold. 

King Harold was hit in the eye by an arrow. As he laid dying a lawyer approached him and said, "Have you been injured at work through no fault of your own? You could be entitled to compensation!"

I notice small things like that, you know ... for example, short people with umbrellas tend to catch my eye.

It's amazing all the new products they have for sale these days which did not even exist when we were young. For example, I bought a modern memory mattress for our bedroom. Now it is trying to blackmail me. 

At the department store I tried to buy a pink negligee for my wife. I picked up one and I asked the saleslady, "Is this satin?"

She replied, "no, it's brand new!"

On my way home I met the priest walking his dog. The brute jumped on me and bit me. The priest, not the dog! 

Then he said, "this is Karma!"

I said, "he looks very angry now that you bit me!"

Anyway ... I had to take a friend to the vet today. Nothing wrong with her of course; otherwise I would have driven her to the doctor's or hospital. She was OK. It was her hamster. He just sat there at the corner of his cage not moving for two days. Not interested in food or his little wheel. So we took him cage and all to the vet.

Turned out he had swallowed a fridge magnet and was stuck to the railings of the cage! 

All of which reminds me of the day I nearly landed in hospital myself. We were camping in the mountains, my friends and me. After a day or two they complained that our tent was rather untidy and needed a clean. I had in the car a battery operated vacuum cleaner. Surprising how good they are and handy to have around.

I vacuum cleaned the tent and the cleaner was so powerful it sucked in the whole tent with me inside it. I nearly suffocated gasping for breath. No one could hear me scream because sound does not travel in a vacuum.

Eventually, the battery power ran out and the vacuum cleaner stopped. When my friends returned to the site all they could find was the cleaner. No tent. No me. Just the vacuum cleaner!

That's enough thoughts for one day ... don't you think!

So, what do you think?

 

I'd certainly appreciate your views on a few matters which have been the subject of discussion in our household as of late. We don't go out much these days. In fact the trash bins go out more often than us. We make sure they're back indoors before 10:00pm though. But that's another story. 

As I was saying; we were discussing having a new pet at home since our last goldfish died and I had him grilled on toast. There were all sorts of suggestions. Another dog, or cat. A hamster perhaps, a Guinea pig, or similar furry creature. How about a rabbit or a tortoise like we had years ago before they escaped together and ran happily into the sunset. Or something unusual like a snake, or cockroaches, or stick insects. We could have a whole branch of stick insects.

I maintained that choosing a pet should be done with consideration and it should be according to one's environment and ability and wherewithal to look after it. For example, you would not have a giraffe in an apartment because it would be difficult getting it in the elevator.

Whilst the discussion ensued I went to my office and decided to do a jigsaw instead. I always loved jigsaw puzzles. I remember my very first one when I was a child consisted of two pieces. It was a picture of a donkey painted on two pieces. I had so much difficulty deciding how to put them together to complete the puzzle. I was only ten at the time.

By the way, did you know that jigsaw puzzles are not cut by a jigsaw? These days they paint the picture on cardboards and then a heavy mould with all the cutting shapes is pressed on the picture and cuts all the pieces. There is in fact a very limited number of different moulds. So you could in fact buy two separate puzzles and find that the shapes in both packs are similar because they've been cut by the same mould. Not many people know that!

If you have my kind of imagination you could complete both puzzles mixing pieces from both boxes and you get a complete mess in both pictures. Yet you've competed both puzzles.

I hate it when you leave a half-completed puzzle and someone else comes and moves the pieces for you. And puts pieces in a different place because they thought the cloud should be here rather than there; or whatever.

To stop them doing this I put a little glue on the back of each piece as I put it in place. The problem is we now have a 1000 pieces puzzle stuck on the dinner table and my wife is not happy.

Some companies on the internet will make a personal jigsaw puzzle for you. You send them a photo and they make you a jigsaw puzzle with your photo on it. Either 500 or 1000 pieces. Quite unique.

I sent them a photo of our dead goldfish before it was grilled and eaten. They also will print T shirts with a personal photo if you wish. I asked for that too.

We now have a T shirt stuck with glue on the back of the armchair. I got fed up with people moving it.

My wife is not happy. Again!

So, what do you think?

Coincidental Thoughts

 

I sometimes wonder whether my thoughts, idle and unpredictable as they sometimes are, more often than not anyway; do they, these thoughts, ever coincide with yours my many, or few, readers?

What I'm saying here, and getting no answer, is: are you thinking what I'm thinking?

I'm not talking about common thoughts like who came first, the chicken or the egg? Or why did the chicken cross the road? Or if a tree falls in the forest, and there is no one there to see it; does it remain standing?

No ... my thoughts go deeper than that. For example: the Nobel Prize. There's a Nobel Prize for Peace, Literature, Physics, Chemistry and so on. Why is there not a Nobel Prize for colouring-in with crayons? Surely this would encourage aspiring artists to do better in life?

Then there's the Oscars. Awarded to actors, directors, films and so on. And the Emmy Awards and other awards given to so many people in the entertainment world. Why is there not an award for the ugliest actor? Or the worst singer? Or the most boring celebrity on TV? I bet you could think quite a few candidates for these awards.

Then sometimes my thoughts turn to mundane things like life and how we live it from day to day. We can't all be flash, (British word meaning ostentatiously stylish or expensive), with new clothes, fast cars, yachts and private planes. Some of us lead more pedestrian lives and have to go upstairs several times a day and once there forget why they got up for. Well, I now started to right down on a piece of paper why I need to go upstairs. And I make a point of not going upstairs until I have at least three reasons to do so. Sometimes I walk around downstairs with plaited legs, (another British saying meaning legs held tightly together - intertwined), until I can think of another two reasons to go upstairs to the bathroom or wherever.

The problem often is, when I finally get upstairs, I find out I left the piece of paper with the reasons written on it downstairs. That's when I discover a new reason to be upstairs and I get changed.

And that's the thing with mundane daily thoughts that are neither here not there. In which case, where are they if they are neither here nor there? That's another conundrum for you to solve for me.

Then there's the adverts on TV. I understand that the whole purpose of advertising is to get people to buy the product or service on offer. What gets me is when adverts, often in the same segment within a break in the TV program, tend to be contradictory. For example, only today there were two adverts following each other for famous alcoholic drinks. One was for a well known brand of spirits, and the other for beer. They were then followed by a public information advert advising you to drink responsibly or preferably not at all. Who has juxtaposed these ads together? Besides, if there were no alcoholic drinks whatsoever how could people get drunk? 

Oh ... and how about cheese? Those of you who are connoisseurs of various cheeses will know that some cheeses like Gruyère, Jarlsberg, Emmental and others have holes in them. They are hard, or semi-hard, cheeses with holes in them. So when you buy a wedge of these cheeses you are in effect buying the holes which are part of the weight you are paying for. Think about it for a minute. You buy a block of cheese. Inside it there are many holes capturing air within the cheese itself. Air has a weight. So when you buy the block of cheese you are in fact paying for the weight of air captured within the block of cheese.

I have resolved this problem, after hours of thinking about it, by only buying these delicious cheeses in pre-packed sliced versions. Because the cheese has been sliced before packing, any pockets of air have been emptied of such previously captured air, and consequently has not been weighed when the packet was sealed and priced.

Spontaneous combustion. That's another thing that's been on my mind lately. You know, people suddenly catching fire for no apparent reason. I was wondering. Can people have spontaneous combustion when in the shower? How does that work? Do they suddenly become alight and the water from the shower turns them off? What if they get out of the shower? Do they set alight again? Must be terrible to have all one's hair singed and wet at the same time.

And walking in one's sleep. We've all heard of that. But do people ever run in their sleep? Or do they bang their face straight into the door or wall and wake up with a nose-bleed?

What if you open a window in winter? Does the cold air from outside come in, or does the warm air in the house go out? I've often wondered about that. 

Anyway, these are my idle thoughts that cross my mind time and again. How about you? What does tax your mind these days?