One Liners

 

Latest news is that the Vatican is starting a cheque cashing and money transfer operation. They're going to name it Papal.

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My wife asked me if I’d seen the cat bowl…. I said I didn’t know he could.

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The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

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My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name. But I called her Bluff. 

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Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.

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Police say that the man who fell into a combine harvester while trying to steal it… Has been bailed.  

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My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the cinema. 

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We've got stained glass windows in our house. It's those damned pigeons.

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I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.

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I was at a café and I said to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Sir, but we’ve got no cream. How about with no milk?”  

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My new girlfriend is a redhead, no hair, just a red head.

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A chap jumped in the river in Cairo. Local police say he’s in de Nile.

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My friend is allergic to rice. He’s Basmatic. 

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A friend of mine won Dentist of the Year, and all he got was a little plaque.

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The fact that there is a Highway to Hell and only a Stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

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eBay is so useless. I tried to look up cigarette lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.

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Scientists say the universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons, and Electrons. They forgot to mention Morons.

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My obese parrot just died. Sad, but it’s a weight off my shoulders.

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I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

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Grandma's been staring through the window ever since it started to snow. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

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I finally realized my parents favoured my twin brother. It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.

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A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Our God Reigns

 

 “The Heavenly and Earthly Trinities” 

by Bartolomé Esteban Murillo.

 

Sharing Knowledge

 

This Blog exists to inform, entertain and educate. Every so often I spend a lot of time in research to bring you authentic and truthful facts that you may find interesting and which you could use at parties, such as Christmas, to brighten a conversation, enlighten friends and family, and to become popular and gain friends.

This is such an occasion. So if you are seated comfortably here are some facts:

Did you know that the whale is the largest mammal? It is so big that apparently one exhalation of its breath can inflate 1250 party balloons. So it would make a welcome guest at your Christmas party preparations. It can also blow out over 4000 candles on a cake. Unfortunately this has never been tested because the candles would not stay alight under water.

Like all mammals, the whale actually breaks wind; which is very fortunate that its size makes it too large to fit in an elevator. I think breaking wind in an elevator is so wrong on many levels.

Also, when the whale breaks wind it lets out so much gas that it propels it two miles from where it currently is. Imagine two whales sitting on the sofa watching TV and discussing the latest soap opera and suddenly one of them is two miles away. 

Speaking of TV. It was invented by John Logie Baird and was demonstrated on 26 January 1926. Unfortunately there was nothing to see on it because they had not yet invented the remote control.

Inventions are great things don't you think? They revolutionised the world. They say that inventing the wheel was the greatest invention of mankind. I disagree. Inventing the second wheel was the greatest invention because then you had a bicycle.

The second greatest invention, (or is it third after the second wheel?) ... stop interrupting!

The third greatest invention is the whoopee (or whoopie) cushion. It is such a wonderful subject of hilarity; especially at funerals. Place a few of them on the pews in church and you'll have them laughing down the aisles. Also suitable for weddings, political events and similar serious functions.

The whoopee cushion has reportedly been used since ancient times. Roman Emperor Elagabalus was said to enjoy practical jokes at his dinner parties and often placed whoopee cushions under the chairs of his more pompous guests.

Elagabalus was quite a card when it came to a sense of humour. He had great Roman feasts and made his guests eat live parrots, camels feet and flamingo brain. Also, during the Roman feast he would let lions free and see how the guests reacted in panic. (The lions were most probably drugged and had teeth and claws removed - but the guests did not know that). He also served fruits made of rock covered in wax to make them look authentic and enjoyed it when his guests bit into the fruit.

So there you have it. Some facts and knowledge for you to enjoy and share at your next Christmas party. Keep dancing ... ... ...

Legal Matters

 

They say strange things happen at sea. I tell you, they happen on dry land too, especially at my solicitor's office.

I had reason to visit my lawyer Mr N Junction and his assistant Miss Demeanor to discuss a business matter. Neither of them were there despite my making an appointment a week earlier. The receptionist suggested I meet another lawyer instead, Mr Dee Fendant.

I entered a room and was met by a man wearing a one piece costume of an hippopotamus. I was taken aback ... several feet aback in fact. I don't know about you, but I've never conducted business with a legal hippo before.

"Hello ... excuse the outfit," he said, shaking my hand with his paw, "we are all going to the firm's annual Christmas Party, it is fancy dress this year. I am going as a hippo because it suits my rounded figure!" he laughed.

"Oh ..." I remarked, "I was wondering why your receptionist was wearing almost nothing!" 

"That's my wife," he said, "she is going as Eve!"

"I usually see Mr Probono, he is my usual lawyer," I continued, "we had an appointment!"

"I'm sorry about that," said the hippo, "he has been held up. He is going to the party as a giraffe but could not get in the elevator. His head got stuck in the sliding doors!"

"I hope he's not hurt!" I asked.

"Not at all," said the hippo, "last time I saw him he was being pulled out of the elevator by a gorilla. Rather embarrassing really. An elderly client, Miss Fortune, entered the building at reception at exactly that time and she nearly had a heart attack. She fainted on the spot thinking it was a real gorilla attacking a giraffe. 

When she came to, my wife, undressed as Eve, stood there beside her. The old lady nearly fainted again  ... that took some explaining I tell you. The old lady settled out of Court for a brandy instead!"

At that point a chicken came in and offered us something to eat from a platter of KFC pieces. The irony was not lost on me but probably lost on both of them. I took a KFC leg for now and one for later which I wrapped in a handkerchief and put in my pocket. 

We adjourned the meeting with Mr Probono for another day and I was invited to their Christmas party instead. 

Guess what costume I went in!

Home Alone For Christmas

 

I was home alone. It was night. It was dark. And I was all alone.

Why do things happen when you are at home alone? The family had gone away for a few days. They even took the dog with them. The cat had gone out for his daily walk outdoors.

I was in the living room. There was nothing on TV but dust on the screen. My wife had obviously forgot to clean it before she left. I'll have a word with her about that when she returns.

I sat there reading one of my books. Someone has to. I never get the chance to read them when I'm writing them. I always hurry to see how the story ends. I look at the last page and find it is still a blank page, so I go back to the beginning and write fast so I can get to the ending of the book.

I heard a noise from the kitchen. I jumped out of my skin. I held my breath and nearly fainted. There it was again. The same sound ... and again ... and again ...

I picked up a baseball bat and slowly, without making a noise, I crept into the kitchen. I did not switch the lights on.

There it was again ... tap tap tap ... and again ... tap tap tap ... It seemed to be coming from inside the fridge. It was more like a pecking sound than tapping ... peck ... peck ... peck ... ... ... peck ... peck ... peck ...

My first thought was that my wife had undercooked the chicken once again and it was trying to get out.

She always either under-cooks things or cremate them to a cinder. The other day the oven temperature was so low that the chicken got out, turned the heat on, and got in the oven again.

I hesitated from opening the fridge. If I did, the lights inside would come on and whatever intruder is hiding in there would see me.

By the way, have you ever wondered whether the light inside the fridge goes off when you shut the door? I tried to find out by looking closely near the fridge as I shut the door and caught my nose on the door as it shut. Then I had an idea. I switched my cell phone on video record and put it in the fridge. As I shut the door, the lights went out; and came on again when I opened the fridge.

I also wondered what it feels like going round and round in a microwave oven. So I put my cell phone there and it melted. My wife said I'm an idiot.

Anyway, back to the tapping from inside the fridge. Or was it Gregory Pecking? Did my wife cook a mocking bird I wonder? And there it was inside the fridge mocking me ... peck ... peck ... peck!

Have you noticed how your mind wanders from one thought to another at times? More so when you're in a panic.

I decided that the best way to deal with whoever is in the fridge is to hold him prisoner there. I pulled the heavy table against the fridge door. Then put some heavy furniture on the table. A couple of chairs at first then other things on the chairs. Basically, I barricaded the fridge door so it would not open at all from inside.

For good measure, I unplugged the fridge from the mains electricity. Now, whoever is there will remain in darkness until my wife returns and deal with it.

Christmas at Nan Melba

 

Christmas is such a lovely time. It always takes me back to my childhood when we used to visit Nan Melba. Nan Melba was not really my grandmother, not genetically that is. You could say she was genetically modified. She was an elderly friend of my parents and out of courtesy we called her Nan Melba.

She lived a few miles away, so a few days before Christmas we used to travel to her house to stay most of the day and deliver our presents to her.

"Arrrr me hearties," she would say welcoming us, "bring y'ar selves on board. Park y'ar backside on a barrel near the fire!"

As you may have guessed, she was a pirate. Although the eye patch she always wore may have been a quick give-away had you been there. She actually was a pirate in years gone by in a film they made in a small film studio nearby. She liked it so much that she decided to remain a pirate albeit she had never ever been to sea on account that she was terrified of the underneath of ships. She was worried in case the captain ever asked her to swim under the ship and remove the barnacles stuck there. 

Another thing ... because she was a devout vegetarian she did not have a parrot on her shoulder like pirates do. She had a carrot instead.

She used to sit by the fire smoking her pipe and opening our presents; mostly chocolate coins covered in gold or silver paper to make them look authentic. She used to count them and say, "pieces of eight ... pieces of eight ..." 

To be honest, I was more intrigued rather than frightened of this elderly pretend Nan pretending to be a pirate. One year, as we drove back home, I questioned my parents about the sanity of this woman whom we visit as a family once a year. I had by then grown up enough to reason in my mind why she would do that and to enquire of my parents as to her motivation.

"Oh ... she doesn't do that all the time!" said my father, "only at Christmas. The rest of the time, for instance I visited her once in the summer," he continued, "and she believed she was a Bishop!"

She wore some clerical vestments made from old blankets and table cloths and walked sideways just like bishops do on a chess board. She also insisted in speaking in Latin only; which made conversations with anyone rather short.

Apart from that, she was completely sane ... apparently.

In fact, she was a professor at the local college lecturing in graffiti and bad behaviour.

Nan Melba ... wherever you are ... may you bring joy to all around you!

Books For Christmas

 

MORE SUGGESTIONS HERE

 

AND HERE

 

CLICK HERE
 

It's Christmas Time

Happy and Blessed Advent everyone.

We have a tradition in our family. As we approach Christmas we tend to visit family and friends and have gatherings usually at weekends. There's about four or five such gatherings leading on to Christmas day itself.

It was our turn last weekend and we had about a dozen people around.

As everyone was cheerful and merry I remembered an old lady who lives alone a few houses down the road.

No one ever seems to visit her. No family. No friends. No neighbours. No one.

Can you imagine that? Being all alone in her home at Christmas with no one with her. I felt sorry for her.

So I put on my coat and walked down to her house and asked her if we could borrow some of her chairs.

She refused.

What a selfish person. No wonder she is all alone at Christmas!

OK ... I AM JOKING

YOU LOT SHOULD STOP TAKING ME SERIOUSLY!

Thank you

 

The Salvation Army
Territorial Headquarters,
101 Newington Causeway,
London,
SE1 6BN
fr@salvationarmy.org.uk
0207 367 4800
Registered charity number England (214779), Scotland (SC009359)

Donation receipt

Name Victor S E Moubarak
Address XXXXXXXX
XXXXXXX
United Kingdom

Donation amount £102.60
Donation date 3 Dec 2022, 13:49 GMT
Donation reference ID XXXXXXXXXX
Date issued 3 Dec 2022, 13:49 GMT
Gift Aid Yes
The Salvation Army is a Christian church and registered charity in England (214779), Wales (214779), Scotland
(SC009359) and the Republic of Ireland (CHY6399)

Help An Elf

 

Well ... perhaps not quite an elf; but you can help someone less fortunate than yourself. And you can do so without spending a penny. Yes, not a penny, or dime or anything else apart from a few seconds of your time.

And it is easy. Here is how you can help someone in need. 

Just leave a comment here below on this post.

For every comment left here I will donate £1.00 to The Salvation Army.

The Salvation Army is a Christian Organisation which helps unfortunate and lonely people, especially these times at Christmas when people and the elderly can be alone and forgotten.

So, to give The Salvation Army a helping hand I will donate £1.00 to them for every comment left here below - up to a total of £100.00 ($120).

Let's get started and see if we can reach 100 comments. 

No repeats please, but invite family and friends to write in.

No Anonymous comments. Leave your name and Blog address if Blogger locks you out so I can visit you and say thank you.

INVITE YOUR FRIENDS TO COMMENT HERE 

This offer will remain open for a few days to help 

The Salvation Army

God bless you all this Christmas and always.

You Are A Star

Imagine they made a movie of your life. A very successful film about you. A film with many awards nominations and many Oscars and other trophies.

What sort of film will it be?

An adventure story about all your travels and the people you met and the things you did?

Or a great romance and a story of love winning despite all adversity and difficulties and prejudice?

Perhaps your life has been one of courage struggling against illness, or poverty or some other obstacle that life throws in our way sometimes.

A comedy maybe? It perhaps fits your character and the way you go through life. Or the other extreme, a horror movie ... and so on ... and so on ...

What movie would characterise your life? Is it perhaps a mixture of all these styles ?

Now imagine you are at the cinema for the première showing of this film made to honour you and your life and contribution to society and this world.

Everyone who is everyone is there. Famous people, family and friends, and cinema and TV critics from all over the world.

Also, sitting next to you watching the film is Jesus.

What would He think of your film? Of your life?

Let's think about that for a few moments ... ... ... 

But wait ... the film is not over yet. Do you realise that right now, this very moment, you have a great opportunity to make sure that your film ... your life ... will have a happy ending.

Then Jesus, sitting beside you, will turn to you and with a smile say, "Thank you!"

More Facts

 

Every so often I like to share with you some interesting facts that you might enjoy or even use in conversation at parties and such gatherings.

Did you know, for instance, that lightning doesn't always strike downwards? Sometimes the lightning, (which is an electric charge), bounces up and meets with another power surge coming down from the clouds.

Whenever there is thunder and lightning and it's very very frightening you should cover all your cutlery. Open the cutlery drawer and cover it with a cloth or napkin. This is because metal attracts lightening which will enter your house searching for the cutlery.

Also, switch off the TV and unplug the aerial because the aerial outside the house will act as a conductor and bring the lightening into your house.

This applies also for people who have metal piercings. Like piercings in their ears, on their face and on their bodies. The metal piercings will attract lightning towards them. I knew a woman who had a metal stud pierced on her tongue. She was out in a storm licking and ice cream. The lightning came down and burned her on the tongue and the ambulance people had to put an Elastoplast adhesive plaster on her tongue for a week until it got better. The ambulance people said she was lucky she was not using a metal spoon to eat her ice cream at the time.

Something similar happened to me years ago in Paris. It was rain, not thunder and lightning. I was eating outdoors in a restaurant with tables on the side-walk as they do in Europe. It started raining and it took me ages to finish my soup.

And now something else. Beavers.

You know the ones? They build dams across rivers. Contrary to popular beliefs beavers do not eat fish but they are vegetarians. They eat plants and wood from trees. Remember that should you ever invite a beaver to dinner. He will eat your table and leave your lovely cooking.

And another thing. If you make tea using tea bags, never ever throw a hot tea bag in the trash bin or else it will start a fire. Take it out of the cup or teapot and let it cool first.

Also, be careful what you mumble under your breath or say when driving with your GPS satellite navigation system on. I got really angry with my car navigation today. I even yelled at it to go to hell. Twenty minutes later, it brought me in front of my mother-in-law’s house.

You never realize what you have until it's gone. Toilet paper, is a good example.

A key-chain is a device which enables you to lose all your keys at once.

And did you know that the Internet never forgets? The Internet must be a woman.

Finally, some guy knocked on my door today and said, “I’ve got a parcel for your next-door neighbour.”

I said, “You’ve got the wrong house then, mate.”