Monday 12 December 2022

One Liners

 


Latest news is that the Vatican is starting a cheque cashing and money transfer operation. They're going to name it Papal.

===================== 

My wife asked me if I’d seen the cat bowl…. I said I didn’t know he could.

===================== 

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

=====================  

My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name. But I called her Bluff. 

=====================

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.

=====================   

Police say that the man who fell into a combine harvester while trying to steal it… Has been bailed.  

=====================  

My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the cinema. 

=====================

We've got stained glass windows in our house. It's those damned pigeons.

=====================

I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.

=====================

I was at a cafĂ© and I said to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Sir, but we’ve got no cream. How about with no milk?”  

=====================    

My new girlfriend is a redhead, no hair, just a red head.

=====================

A chap jumped in the river in Cairo. Local police say he’s in de Nile.

=====================    

My friend is allergic to rice. He’s Basmatic. 

=====================    

A friend of mine won Dentist of the Year, and all he got was a little plaque.

=====================      

The fact that there is a Highway to Hell and only a Stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

=====================  

eBay is so useless. I tried to look up cigarette lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.

=====================

Scientists say the universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons, and Electrons. They forgot to mention Morons.

=====================

My obese parrot just died. Sad, but it’s a weight off my shoulders.

=====================

I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

=====================

Grandma's been staring through the window ever since it started to snow. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

=====================

I finally realized my parents favoured my twin brother. It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.

=====================

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

21 comments:

  1. ...they say that blonde jokes are one liners so that men can understand them.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I have blonde jokes explained to me by my wife.

    God bless, Tom.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Dearest Victor,
    You could easily have made these into three separate posts...
    That Birthday twin is a painful one!
    Hugs,
    Mariette

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree, Mariette. But posting three "One Liner" posts in one day would confuse my readers. It's like having triplets - they must all be on the same day otherwise they would not be triplets.

      God bless.!

      Delete
  4. Thanks for the laughs on a dreary Monday!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is very cold over here and snow everywhere. It gets dark so quick too. Did you know that in Scandinavian countries they only have one hour of daylight? They wake up in the morning, prepare breakfast, and by the time it is ready it is time to go to bed again.

      God bless, Kathy.

      Delete
  5. I loved all of these, Victor. Clever!
    Happy Monday!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I try my best to find good humour to share. They cheer me up too on a freezing day as today. It is so cold that when they milk the cows they have ice cream.

      God bless, Martha.

      Delete
  6. The funny man strikes again. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's one way to keep me going, Bill. Winter is nice, but not when you have to clean the car for going out. Today it was totally covered in snow.

      God bless you and yours.

      Delete
  7. Enjoyed the visit. THANKS but this one was the best:
    eBay is so useless. I tried to look up cigarette lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.

    Some things just bring a smile.
    Thanks for all the prayers...
    Love sent from this side
    Sherry & jack the anon gypsies...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is so good to smile, Jack. The world can be so miserable these days. If I could, I'd have humourous posts everyday; but they don't always come to mind.

      Praying for you and Sherry. God bless my friends.

      Delete
  8. Lots of hilarity here ... and truisms, too! I loved the mosquito one. The stained glass, too!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for appreciating my attempts at humour, Mevely. I find it encouraging. I search, (and get sent), many examples of one-liners which I use here from time to time.

      God bless you and your family.

      Delete
  9. Funny with a touch of truth! :)

    ReplyDelete
  10. You have an excellent sense of humor!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Mimi ... I try ...

      God bless you and your family.

      Delete

I PRAY FOR ALL WHO COMMENT HERE.

God bless you.