Innovative Business Ideas

 

OK folks, put your thinking caps on because I need your help in new business ventures that could make you, and me, a lot of money.

You may remember that 5 years ago I invited you to invest in a successful business venture. Some of you did, and made a pretty penny.

Well, the opportunity has arisen again for you to invest and accumulate. A business consortium has hired me to participate and judge business proposals and plans put to them for adjudication and investments. So far, we have the following proposals.

DRIVING DONKEY DERBY This idea is to set up a school which will teach donkeys to drive. It's not what you think. We don't have donkeys sitting in the driver's seat and using the steering wheel; albeit they would no doubt drive better than some people on the road these days. In this plan the donkey remains upright in a comfortable box/cage suitable for his size and he uses his two front legs to step on two pedals - drive and brake - and the car moves automatically. To steer the vehicle he pushes with his nose on two buttons denoting left and right. Donkeys could be used in agriculture to drive various farm vehicles or in industry to drive lifting equipment like fork lift trucks and cranes.

TOENAIL MUSEUM This proposal is to set up a celebrities toenail museum in London with outlets in other British cities like Birmingham, Manchester, Edinburgh and Cardiff; as well as in other countries. The intention is that celebrities like famous singers, comedians, sports personalities, or politicians would donate their toenails cuttings to the museum and they will be displayed tastefully in glass containers with an inscription about the donors. This will bring fans closer to their idols without having to travel long distances or fight the crowds and security people to get near them. Donors would donate several samples of their produce to be placed in more museums as the chain of outlets grows and increases throughout the UK, Europe and the world.

HAPPY HOME FOR DISTRESSED WEASELS Weasels are small mammals about 6 inches long with slender bodies to enable them to follow their prey into burrows. They feed on small mammals and have from time to time been considered vermin because some species took poultry from farms or rabbits from commercial warrens. They do, on the other hand, eat large numbers of rodents. Basically, they are an important element in the natural food chain but have over the years got a bad press because of the odd chicken or rabbit that ended up in their hot pot with tasty vegetables. Because of this, many of these lovely creatures end up desolate, distressed, disillusioned, disheartened, disappointed, disenchanted and dissatisfied with life. Some are even disgusted at this cheap attempt at seeking sympathy by such a display of alliteration. The Happy Home For Distressed Weasels aims to provide them with a retirement place where they can enjoy their remaining years in contentment and joy watching soap programmes on TV.

INVITATION If any of our readers wish to invest in any of these business ventures, or have a business idea of your own you wish to put forwards please contact me at the "CONTACT US" button at the top right or in the comments box below. Let's show the world that innovation is still alive and kicking and can beat AI any time of the day or night ... or evening ... afternoon ... dawn ... twilight ... dusk ... sunset ... sundown ...

Are we there yet?

 

Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

Of course we're not there. If we were there I would not keep driving would I?

Don't speak to them like that. You're upsetting them.

Upsetting them? Me? They've been going on ever since we left home. Are we there yet ... are we there yet ... Can we stop to go to the toilet ... I am hungry ... I'm thirsty ... Why couldn't they go to the toilet before we left home? 

Don't shout. You'll traumatise them for the rest of their lives with your shouting.

Are you kidding me? Traumatise them? What about what they are doing to me? I can't concentrate on my driving with their constant nattering and continuous demands for food drinks and toilets. 

Now look what you've done! You've made them cry ... Here ... dry your tears. Don't worry about him, he is highly stressed and in some pain since they cut off that pimple on his backside. There ... that made you smile ... who's got a pimple on his bum? He has ...

Very funny.

At least I managed to soothe them and calmed them down. You really need to cool down a little and be more understanding. They can't help it at their age.

I guess you're right ... anyway ... we've now arrived at our destination as the GPS machine would say.

Here we are Mom and Dad. We've arrived back at the Seniors Home. We'll see you again next week perhaps. Bye.

Punch up in Heaven!

 

You're a good Christian trying to live life as Christ would want you to and despite a few stumbles every now and then, for the most part, you're doing OK.

You meet another Christian, in Church, at work, at the tennis club or perhaps on the Internet.

That person too is a good Christian, like you, trying to live up to Christ's Word and be an example to others.

Somehow, the two of you fall out a little, you don't see eye to eye on certain matters; Liturgy perhaps, or Christian behaviour, or interpretation from the Bible. Slowly relations cool down to the point where you don't talk any more.

Years later, you meet up in Heaven.

Do you pick up the argument where it left off and try to prove, with evidence from Jesus and the Saints, that you were right all along?

Or do you rejoice in what unites you rather than dispute over your differences?

If the latter ... then why wait until you're in Heaven to do it?

A Good Heart

 

Potatoes Have Eyes

 

Potatoes have eyes, but they cannot see. Those little white sprouts on the potato that look like roots are called eyes, and can be used to plant a new potato.

Bats have eyes but they have poor vision. This is because they are nocturnal and they live in caves, (like Batman). So their eyes have adapted to the darkness of the cave. If they were to go out at night the brightness of the moon would be like a flash from a camera to them. They'd need sunglasses, or moonglasses! These are expensive to make for bats and they'd fall off and break as they hung upside down from trees.

So over the years the bats have adapted through evolution and their eyes are suitable to see when in the caves but they use their ears, (sound/sonar) for guidance when out flying at night.

Deep under the sea it is very dark. So how do fish see and not bump into each other? Glasses are of no use to them because they'd get wet and you can't see through wet lenses.

Like bats, their eyes have evolved to detect a lower number of photons (bits of light) so they see the darkness as light. If you were to lift a fish from deep down up to the surface the chances are it will be in agony and go blind because of the light up here on the surface. More photons per square metre than deep down in the sea. So, unlike bats, these fishes have decided to stay at the bottom of the sea and not come up to the surface or hang upside down from trees.

And whilst we're talking about water; did you know that humans cannot feel wet? We can't feel the sensation wet. If you blindfold someone and give him two sets of clothing, one wet/damp and one cold he could not tell the difference by touch. (Not wringing or squeezing - just touching). The human skin can feel cold and hot. Not wet. Admittedly if you put your hand in a bowl of water you'll feel it - but this is feeling the existence of water not feeling the wetness. And if someone's asleep and you put his hand in a bowl of water he'll feel wet - but that's different.

And finally ... we've talked about darkness here - in caves as well as deep in the bottom of the sea. But in reality, there is no such thing as darkness. Darkness is the absence of light. Remember that next time you stub your toe against something in the dark; or you fall over on the way home at night from the pub.

“I am the light of the world. Whoever follows Me will never walk in the darkness, but will have the light of life.” John 8:12

NOTE: If there is anything else scientific, or religious, you wish me to explore and write about here then please let me know.

Wise or Selfish

 

Father Ignatius approached the lectern and said, "We have just read from the Gospel of Saint Matthew Chapter 25 onwards Jesus telling the parable of the five foolish women and the five wise ones who took their lamps and went to meet the bridegroom.

"What is Christ teaching us here? The obvious answer is that we should always be ready for His return. Keep awake, He says, you don't know the day or the hour of His return.

"There's always someone predicting when the world will end, and they read signs in the state of the world today and from that they deduce that we are near the end times. The reality is that only God knows when this will happen. Jesus said that even He did not know the date or time. 

"But there's more to this parable than just this message. You will note that the five wise women took enough oil for their lamps when they waited for the bridegroom. Whilst the foolish women took no additional oil with them.

"When eventually the bridegroom arrived, the foolish women ran out of oil and asked to borrow some from the wise ones. The wise women refused and told them to go buy some oil for themselves.

"Were these women wise or just selfish? Should they have shared the oil evenly? Isn't that what Christianity all about? Being kind to one's neighbours and share with those who have not?

"What is Jesus teaching here?" 

Father Ignatius stopped a while, as he usually did, to allow the message to sink in; and then he continued.

"Jesus is teaching that there are some things you cannot borrow from someone else. You cannot borrow their faith, their preparations, their zeal and their love for God, their fruits of the Spirit. 

"The wise women had faith in the bridegroom arriving and prepared for that event. Their love for the bridegroom was obvious by their actions. We cannot as individuals say because someone else has great faith therefore we are saved. A man can't say that because his wife is a good faithful Christian therefore he is OK because God will see him right. Our entry into Heaven does not depend on someone else's faith. Only God decides who enters Heaven. He has invited everyone; but we should respond to that invitation. We don't go in as wife plus one!"

The congregation laughed. The priest waited a moment and then went on.

"What are the fruits of the Spirit? In Galatians 5:22 and 23 Paul says the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.These are gifts given to those who have the Holy Spirit abiding in them. You can't borrow them from someone else. 

"I believe that's the secondary message in this parable. The first one is that we should always be prepared for the coming of the Lord because we do not know the day or the hour. The second message is that we cannot borrow our salvation from someone else. If we want to be saved we should ask our Lord to help us on our road to Paradise."

Remembrance Day

 Armistice Day and Remembrance Sunday- 11 November

IL SILENZIO

Is God Boring?

 

You know what it's like with some people. They say that they believe, although they probably don't know what they believe. They used to go to church at some point in their lives but now they have stopped. They say because it's boring.

Well let me tell you; God is not boring. Christians are boring; or some of them at least. 

You go to church and the priest, or minister, pastor or vicar, is as boring as a rice pudding going mouldy. His name is Fartoo Long to coincide with the length of his sermons which are delivered in a slow, monotonous, droning voice which would make the dead glad not to be in his congregation.

And it's not just the priest. Look at the parishioners too. Most of them have long faces like a mile or two of bad road; and some of them look down on you from on top of their glasses so as not to wear out the lenses. 

Then there's the choir led by Mrs Tone Deaf screeching at her heart's content solo as if she's an opera singer. How does she really know the tune to all those psalms she sings interminably? Did those archaeologists who found the old scrolls find the music score too? How does she know that her continuous wailing is exactly as those psalms were meant to be sung? Does God really deserve the punishment of her voice?

No ... God is not boring. People are.

God created us out of love and because He loves us so much He gave us so many things to enjoy. He does not want us to endure this life, but to enjoy it in preparation for more joy and happiness for eternity in Heaven.

Look at the beauty of the world He created. The mountains, the seas, countryside, clouds and beautiful skies. Look at the different colours of the trees, flowers, birds and fauna and animals.

Consider all the wonderful sounds for us to hear. The sound of the waves by the shore, the singing of birds, the droplets of rain, the laughter of a child, as well as music and singing for our enjoyment and praise to our Lord. (Mrs Tone Deaf take note).

Think about all the different tastes and the wonder of touch and all our other sense which God created for our pleasure and enjoyment.

These are not the gifts of a boring Divine Father. 

It is humanity, through its selfishness and taking everything for granted, which has turned Paradise into the hell we now inhabit - physically and spiritually.

Christians have an obligation to be joyful and to display this joy for all to see. 

How else do they expect others to admire them and follow their example?

I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10

What happens next?

 

This article is to help us test understanding and beliefs. Please share your views in the comments box below or write to me at the "Contact Us" tab at the top right.

Let's start a discussion.

When someone dies we say they are in Heaven. This suggests that for them, a judgement has already happened and they are now either in Heaven or hell. Let's not discuss the belief in Purgatory for now.

Jesus implies this in the parable of the rich man and Lazarus. Luke 16:19-31

Both individuals died and Lazarus was sent to Abraham's side (meaning Heaven), and the rich man to Hades (hell).

Also, when on the Cross, Jesus said to the repentant thief that "today" he will be in Paradise.

So, this being the case, what is, and when is the final judgement? When Jesus will come and divide the goats from the sheep?

Does our judgement happen the moment we die and we go to our eventual destination? Or do we wait for judgement day?

Also, the Bible teaches that when we are "resurrected" we will have new bodies. That is, we will not be just souls but have a body. Just like Jesus did when He was resurrected. 

When Jesus was transfigured on the mountain, (Matthew 17:1-9), the disciples saw Moses and Elijah  with Jesus on the Mount of Transfiguration.They recognised them as bodies not as souls, or ghosts. So what happened I wonder? Where they already resurrected in their new bodies before the "Rapture"?

How about all the people in the past like Saint Peter, Mary, Joseph, Thomas etc ... Where are they now? In Heaven as bodies or as souls? Or are they also waiting for judgement day?

Your views and comments, especially with Bible references, would be appreciated. Especially if you know any pastors etc who could add their views too. 

What do you think?

NOTE: CATHOLIC CHURCH TEACHING.

The moment you die your Particular Judgement takes place.  

It is then decided by God if you will go straight to Heaven or spend time in Purgatory or you will go straight to Hell.

No one can say that when someone dies they are in Heaven.  

Only God knows that.  

You may think that that good person is in Heaven, but you may be wrong.

The Final Judgement takes place at the end of the world when God will divide the sheep from the goats.

Our Particular Judgement takes place the moment we die but there is the General Judgement for all at the end of time.

When resurrected we will have new bodies.

Peter and the rest of the Apostles are souls in Heaven. 

They have to wait until the end of the world before they have their resurrected bodies.  

Catholics believe that Mary has her resurrected body because she was assumed body and soul into Heaven.

Unique Sartorial Style

 

I find that one way to go around incognito and also not to be disturbed by people on the bus, in the library or generally in the street is by wearing scruffy clothes. I have an old hat I use when gardening. So I put that on. Also an old T shirt and a pair of jeans with large holes at the knees. Fashionable these days, I am told. I also put on an old coat with a tear in one pocket and stains from working on the car or painting the garden fence and gate.

I am told I look like a sex symbol for the woman who doesn't care.

But at least it keeps people away. No one sits next to me on the bus, or in the library when I'm reading the business papers, and on the streets people usually cross the road to the other side to avoid me.

I am also not recognised, which is good. Although one day someone actually had the temerity to stop me despite my disguise aimed at dissuading anyone from approaching me. 

He asked me if I am Alphonse Goodbetter, whoever he is. I said I wasn't. He asked, "are you sure?"

His wife then said that Alphonse Goodbetter is dead. The man insisted that he wasn't because here I am in the flesh, Alphonse Goodbetter the circus fire eater. 

They got into an argument as to whether I was Alphonse the fire eater and sword swallower. Eventually they did not know what to believe and they asked me, "What do you think? Are you Alphonse or not? He had long hair like yours only longer. Blond hair and a little singed at the edges."

I replied that I was off to the circus to put my head into a lion's mouth, and I walked away.

On another occasion I was outside the bank trying to get some money from the ATM machine. A bank clerk saw me from a window and grew suspicious of my attire. Two security guys came out and asked me, politely but forcibly, to follow them into the bank.  

Once inside I was asked whether this was my Debit Card I was using to get money from the ATM. I said it was. They asked me my name. It tallied with the card. They were not convinced so they asked if I had any ID cards or anything with my photo on it, like a driving licence. I didn't.

They asked me to prove I was who I said I was. I said that if they gave me a mirror that would prove I was who I am by just looking at it. They were not amused.

There was no way to prove I was who I really am. Without any documents or anyone to vouch for me I could have been anybody. At least I knew I was not Alphonse Goodbetter because he is apparently dead. Or is he?

A manager then tapped a few things on the computer and asked me to name my employer who credits my salary into my account. I got that one right. He asked me for any out-going payments like electricity, water and so on. I named most regular monthly payments I could remember that I make from my account. That convinced him.

He looked at me up and down once or twice and said, "We have to check for security reasons, Sir!"

You'll note he called me "Sir". Up to that point I was addressed as if I was a tramp, or beggar as befits my clothing.

As I left the bank I ran into my boss. He recognised me. He looked me up and down suspiciously and said nothing.

I smiled and said I was going to a fancy-dress party.

He said, "What? In the middle of the day?" and walked away.

When I got home the priest and a couple of nuns were there collecting for the homeless shelter in town. 

After they left, my wife gave me the silent treatment all day. Obviously she is not a woman who doesn't care!

Meet My Marketing Manager

I have a new Marketing Manager and Public Relations Adviser. His name is Bonzo Bookcase. You can see his photo above.

We met today to discuss ways of promoting my books and how to get help from my loyal readers to pass the word around about my books and recommend them to other potential readers.

The conversation went something like this:

Marketing Manager: You must stop monkeying around Vic and take this question of book promotions seriously.

I didn't pay much attention as I was eating some monkey nuts he had in a bowl at the time. He threw a banana at me to get my attention and asked: How many books have you got published so far?

Me: Forty - and a cartoon one available to download FREE from my website (HERE).

He stopped and scratched his armpit for a while and then said: Forty? You have a lot to say for yourself. Are they all available on-line as well as in the shops?

Me: Yes, some are available in paperback and Kindle format, whilst others are available in Kindle format only. I have a website which shows my Christian books and my Funny books too.

Marketing Manager: Funny books?

Me: Yes, they attract new readers who may then hopefully read my Christian books too. My website has an option called "more" at the top of the screen where people can choose the style of book they want to read (HERE).

Marketing Manager: Good ... have you had any feedback from your readers. And I don't mean have they sent you bananas and peanuts!

Me: Yes, some have e-mailed me saying they liked the books, others have left Reviews on the AMAZON website.

Marketing Manager: Why don't you encourage them to write more Reviews on Amazon for you?

Me: How? Anyway, I don't want to impose.

Marketing Manager: You're not imposing you ape! If your readers genuinely like what you write they'll be happy to spread the word for you in AMAZON Reviews or by word of mouth even.

Ask them ... beg them ... to tell others about your books. If they are as nice as you say they are, they  will oblige.

Me: Sounds a good idea! I just don't want to bother my readers.

Marketing Manager: Your books are not expensively priced ... why is that?

Me: The intention is not to make money. The price of the books is based on production costs and postage. The royalties I get are very low ...

Marketing Manager: No wonder you pay me peanuts then? WAIT A MINUTE !!! Are you mad Mister? It says HERE that you are giving some of your books for FREE. For FREEEE!!!!

Me: Well ... my intention is that people would like what I write and then get to read my Christian books and ...

Marketing Manager: Giving away books for free! Well that's an excellent business model that is. Are you trying to make a monkey out of me?

Me: well ... I thought ...

Marketing Manager: That's the problem with you ... you thought ... well, stop thinking and leave the planning to me.  People these days want to know the person behind the author. Who are you? What kind of person are you? They like to get to know you ... and a heart-rending story helps ... it makes them like you more.

Tell them a sad story about you to make them feel sorry for you and buy your books. I can arrange to have you run over by an elephant for example through a friend of mine at the zoo. Or get a bear to bite your backside ... or a lion to maul you over ...

NOTE: At this point I decided to run out of Bonzo's office without signing a Contract with him. Any ideas or advice as to promoting my books gladly appreciated.

A candle in the dark

 

I normally visit as many Blogs and websites as I can. Usually they are Christian based sites. I read what's there but don't often leave a comment; only when I feel there's something I need to say. 

I was asked where I find the time. I replied it's next to the parsley, sage, rosemary and mint or oregano ... on the dried herbs shelf at the supermarket; although you can also get fresh herbs too.

You see, we live in a dark, troubled world right now. Not many believe, or most probably don't know what to believe. It's an angry world too. Full of sadness and tears.

So a Christian Blog or website is like a candle illuminating your little part of the dark world wide web. 

It may attract someone fumbling and stumbling in the darkness; searching for something they don't know they really need. Your little light may lead them to Him.

What a privilege. Something Christian you wrote has led someone to search for the true Light ... the Way ... and the Truth.

Think about that for a moment.

Why doesn't God speak clearly?

 

Why doesn't God speak clearly to humans today as He did in the Old Testament times? We know He spoke to the prophets and to people like Abraham, Moses and others like Noah and Jonah; so why not speak to us today?

He spoke clearly to Moses many times when He told him to get the Jews out of Egypt, and throughout their 40 years travels in the desert when He gave him the Ten Commandments. So why has He stopped talking to us today?

Before I attempt to answer this, let me quote from Deuteronomy. This book is a series of addresses given by Moses to the people of Israel in the land of Moab, before they entered the promised land of Canaan.

"The LORD spoke these commandments in a loud voice to your whole assembly out of the fire, the cloud, and the deep darkness on the mountain; He added nothing more. And He wrote them on two tablets of stone and gave them to me. And when you heard the voice out of the darkness while the mountain was blazing with fire, all the heads of your tribes and your elders approached me, and you said, “Behold, the LORD our God has shown us His glory and greatness, and we have heard His voice out of the fire. Today we have seen that a man can live even if God speaks with him. But now, why should we die? For this great fire will consume us, and we will die, if we hear the voice of the LORD our God any longer. For who of all flesh has heard the voice of the living God speaking out of the fire, as we have, and survived? Go near and listen to all that the LORD our God says. Then you can tell us everything the LORD our God tells you; we will listen and obey.”

And the LORD heard the words you spoke to me, and He said to me, “I have heard the words that these people have spoken to you. They have done well in all that they have spoken. If only they had such a heart to fear Me and keep all My commandments always, so that it might be well with them and with their children forever. Go and tell them: ‘Return to your tents.’ But you stand here with Me, that I may speak to you all the commandments and statutes and ordinances you are to teach them to follow in the land that I am giving them to possess.” (Deuteronomy 5:23 onwards ...)

In summary; the Israelites heard the voice of God clearly and were frightened that they would die, so they asked Moses to go and listen to God and relay His messages to the people. They asked God to stop talking; and God agreed.

However, since then and up to now, God continues to speak to people softly in their souls. It may not be a loud voice as in the times of Moses, but He does speak to us - you and me - if only we are willing to listen.

And before you ask ... when God is speaking to you He makes sure you know it is Him speaking to you.

Couchless Psycho

 

It said on the door "M T HEAD - Psychiatrist."

He was the company psychiatrist. He was employed to assess new employees, existing ones, and the Board of Directors when they made stupid decisions that sent the comp[any into near-liquidation. Which is often. 

I remember visiting him one day. He called for me to discuss a delicate matter. He told me that when he works late and the lights are on, several moths enter his office through the open window. I suggested that they are attracted to the lights, and perhaps he should shut the window. He said he was concerned in case they had a problem on their mind he could help with.

One day he burst into my office and shouted, "WHY HAVE YOU NOT GOT A COUCH HERE?"

I explained that I don't need one as I can sleep quite comfortably in my chair. 

He sat down and with a sigh to end all sighs he said he'd had enough. For years he had been there day in day out listening to an ever ending hoard of people coming in his practice and telling him their problems wide and varied. He'd decided to resign.

"Why do I have to sit there and listen to all their troubles?" he asked.

"Because that's how you make your living," I said, "that's why the Company employs you!"

"Hmmm ... I never thought of that!" he reflected pensively.

Although I was busy, I tried to be patient with him. After all, he was a psychiatrist in need of a psychiatrist. I wasn't one, but could do a good impression of one.

"What exactly is the problem?" I asked chewing on a KFC chicken leg I had found in my desk drawer.

"Well ... I'm fed up with the lot of them," he answered, "like Broomstick Ben, our janitor. He has a Walter Mitty Complex. He works as an elephant attendant at the local zoo at weekends yet he believes he is a world famous eminent psychiatrist and wishes to replace me. 

"He comes to my office quoting Freud, 'Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar,' Jung, 'Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you,' and Nietzsche, 'That which does not kill us makes us stronger.' What nonsense ... try a bout of diarrhoea ... see if that makes you stronger."

I suppressed a smile licking my fingers of a remaining few chicken crumbs.

"Then there's Limp Pete," he continued, "you know ... he works in Finance. He's so shy and has an Inferiority Complex. I told him there's nothing to worry about since he is inferior to everyone else anyway."

I was about to offer him a chicken wing which I usually have in my desk when entertaining clients, when he continued without stopping for breath. 

"Then there's Vatican Vince, you know him? He has a round shaped bald head like the dome at Saint Peter's Basilica. He has a morbid fear of the underside of tables. He fears under the table in case there's a tarantula down there ready to pounce on his lap and bite his private bits!"

I recoiled slightly on my wheeled chair wondering what ... or who ... might be under my desk. 

As I did so, looking down, I knocked my head against the desk and cut myself on the forehead and it was bleeding quite a bit. 

He asked me if I had any Elastoplast plasters or First Aid kit. I said, "Why? Have you injured yourself too?"

Moments later my secretary came in having heard the noise. I was taken to hospital being tested for this and that and exposing my backside to various nurses with needles to vaccinate me against salmonella, tetanus, bird flu, wood lice and many other dire illnesses I cannot imagine.

Just goes to show that in life you never know when you'll show your bottom to complete strangers.

SUBLIMINAL MESSAGE - 

 

NOT VISIBLE TO THE NAKED NOSE

If you enjoy what you read here invite your friends to join us too.

Cell Phones Warning

 

Let's be honest now folks. What do you do when you are in a waiting room; like at the doctor's, the dentist, hairdresser, chiropodist or anywhere else where you have to wait your turn? Do you read those posh magazines about high living, or wonderful homes and gardens, or sports, cars or horses? Or do you consult your cell-phone?

I went to see the doctor the other day. The poor chap was not feeling well and I took him some grapes and various fruit. I waited in the waiting room. There were another four people there waiting to be seen for various illnesses and excuses not to go to work. They were all looking intensively into their cell-phones.

What are they doing? I wondered. Are they checking their texts? How many texts do people receive a day? I get hardly any. Or are they sending texts? How many friends do they have to send texts to? Or are they on social media telling the whole world they are at the doctor for treatment of some personal infection? Maybe they are just playing computer games on their cell phones.

I leant side-ways casually and nonchalantly to see what the man next to me was doing. He was typing furiously. I noticed that he was writing his last will and testament. That's hardly a good advert for the doctor he was about to see; I thought.

I offered him a pickled onion from the jar I was enjoying. He shook his head and moved slightly away in his seat. I pulled out a KFC leg from my pocket and offered it instead. He said "no thanks ..." and moved to another chair. I ate the KFC myself and was left with just the bone. What do you do with the bone in the doctor's waiting room? They don't have bins for chicken legs and I could hardly leave it on the table next to the posh magazines. The other people were looking at me; so I put the bone inside my sock to throw it away later. I could not put it in my pocket because I had a bacon sandwich there.

It was my turn to go to the doctor's insulting room.   

He seemed a little better than when I last saw him. That time he got angry when a whole tub of coleslaw fell out of my pocket and onto his new carpet. You should have heard his language. Totally unbecoming of a medic.

This time he suggested I consult a vet instead! I wonder what he meant.

So, do you use your cell phone whilst waiting? Or do you enjoy a KFC, or a pickled onion or ...