I don't know how to pray any more!

"I don't know how to pray any more," she cried, "I've tried everything. I've said the Lord's Prayer, I've repeated 'Thy Will Be Done' many times, recited the Rosary umpteen times, lit candles, I have even promised to give more to charity and visit people in hospitals and elderly homes. The situation is too bad and I'm afraid!"

She then burst out crying uncontrollably.

I did not know what to do. When someone is in such an emotional state of mind the last thing they want to hear is pieties and platitudes. I was certainly not going to preach to her or say God loves you. I got up to the kitchen and got her a glass of water.

"Here, sip this slowly," I said, "now take one or two deep breaths and hold it for a while".

A few moments later she calmed down a little as she wiped her eyes in her handkerchief. She looked awful as her make-up had diluted in her tears and ran down her face. She'd certainly frighten a ghost with that face, I thought.

"Well," I hesitated, "at least you're still praying. It shows that you believe Someone is listening and that you're not talking to the wall!"

She smiled with a snort.

"You know," I continued hesitantly, "you cannot bargain with God. He is not interested in Rosaries or candles or promises to be good in future."

She didn't react, but appeared to be listening. So I went on.

"There is nothing we can do to repay what God did for us. He paid the price when He offered His Son as a sacrifice for us. We can thank Him time and again, but we cannot repay the debt we owe Him. And neither does He ask for it or expect it. He redeemed us and that's that. It's like you giving someone a gift and not expecting another gift of equal value or more in return. Thanks by the way for the crappy gift you gave me for my birthday!"

She laughed. At least I was making some progress. So I tried a bit more.

"You said you're afraid. That's an acceptable emotion under the circumstances. We're all afraid of something at one time or other. We pray and it seems God is not responding, or our prayers have no effect. Why not try something else?"

She raised her eyebrows and brushed her hair from her face.

"Why not tell God how you feel? Speak to Him as if you're speaking to a friend. Jesus said, 'I do not call you servants ... I call you friends, because I have told you everything I heard from my Father.' (John 15:15).

"Tell God that you're afraid about the situation at present. Just as you told me. Tell Him you don't know what is happening and what will happen. Tell Him you're afraid of the future.

"Remember, He has seen the future and will be with you there as He is with you right now. He brought you to this situation and He will see you through it.

"You're in this situation for reasons best know to God. Perhaps He is trying to teach you about yourself. Or to teach and strengthen you in how to grow your faith and trust in Him. Just like an athlete. He does not get stronger unless he exercises and gets strong. Or perhaps God is using the way you react to this situation as an example for others to follow.

"Often, how we react to traumas and difficulties is an example for others to copy and be inspired by us. What an honour for you if your behaviour turns others to follow Jesus!

"Don't be afraid. God will not put you in a situation beyond your power to resist and survive. He is not in the business of losing His followers."

She smiled weakly. I did not know whether I was saying these things for her benefit or I was just trying to convince myself. I knew I was a poor example for others and how my faith weakens at the merest problem. What a hypocrite!

"Oh ... and another thing," I said, "why not praise God for this situation?"

She looked up, her face a total confusion.

"You're not praising Him FOR the situation," I said, "but you're praising Him for still being in control of the situation. He is always in control of events. And when we praise Him we are in effect acknowledging His power and control over the situation. And often, our very act of praising Him seems to turn a bad situation for the good. Our good, or that of others. Often, we don't know how what we've been through has helped someone else. But it happens. And what a privilege for you to have been a channel through which God's Word has spread a little further.

"Now smile to show God that you trust Him really, and you know He's by your side ready to help."

She smiled. I thanked God silently for giving me the words to say. Perhaps I should replay them in my mind as a reminder that they apply to me too.

NOTE: May I recommend "Prison to Praise" by Merlin Carothers. CLICK HERE

A Packet of Faith please!

So many things to buy in the shops these days. So many choices ranging from toothpaste, to drinks, to fruits and vegetables and even sex items like condoms, would you believe! Choose your preferred brand or quality and put it in your trolley for all to see.

Why can't we buy a packet of Faith, I wonder? In regular size or the large economy pack.

Let's consider another scenario. Let's say you have a health problem.

You go to the doctor. He diagnoses the problem and suggests treatment or an operation of some sort. You put your health and your life in his hands and the hands of the consultant, surgeon, anaesthetist, nurses and so on. You don't check their credentials, qualifications and success rates. You're too ill to do that.

In other words you have Faith in them and the health system they work in.

Why can't we have the same level of Faith in God?

Is it because we can see the doctors and not God; not directly that is?

We have Faith in many people in life. Not just doctors. The bus or train driver, the air-plane pilot, the electrician who fixes our fixtures at home, the car mechanic who fixes our car and so on.

When it comes to God, who is far more capable and Almighty than any of these mere humans, we sometimes hesitate. We pray. We wait. We wonder whether He has heard. Or whether He will respond. When? How? Will it meet my requirements as I have prayed and suggested to Him?

We never ask such question to the people we deal with. Will the bus get there safely on time? Are you sure you know what you are doing with electric work? Are the car brakes safe now you've played with them?

The world is in turmoil right now. We all have different views on what is happening and how we would solve it. We all have different opinions and confidence on our leaders.

But do we have Faith in God? Is it enough Faith?

More important - does He believe us? Is our Faith just a show to convince ourselves and others that all will be well; albeit deep inside we have our doubts, our fears, and our suspicions.

"To have faith is to be sure of the things we hope for, to be certain of the things we cannot see." Hebrews 11:1

Let us read this as many times as it takes for its message to think in. 

To be sure of what we hope for. To be certain of what we cannot see.

Are we sure about what we have prayed for to our unseen God? We should be. Otherwise what is the point in praying?

We don't need much Faith. Just as much as a grain of mustard seed. Matthew 17:20

*******

And don't worry if the doctor laughs at you. Some people are amused by small things!

NOTE: If any reader wishes to write to me off-line the address is enquiries@holyvisions.co.uk

Electrifying

I went to the computer room a few days ago and switched on the lights. No light came on. I tried the switch on and off a few times ... click ... click ... still no light. Amazing how we take things for granted until they work no more. We get in the car and it starts first time, put the kettle on and the water boils, put bread in the toaster and it works properly, switch on the computer and it says, "System Error ... why don't you learn about computing you lazy beggar?"

Now I could write a whole post about taking things for granted. How we take each other for granted. How we even often take God for granted.

But I won't; because it was too dark in the computer room and I could not get to the computer without stubbing my foot against something.

I thought the light bulb must have died so I got another one to replace it; and I stubbed my toe against the chair as I got in the room in the dark.

Click ... click ... still no light.

OK ... try another light bulb, and this time wear some shoes. I hit my knee against the computer desk.

Click ... click ... still no light.

So I tried the three light bulbs in another room. They all worked OK.

Must be the switch that is faulty. That's one step too far for me. I was absent at University when they taught us how to change faulty switches.

I rang no fewer than thirteen electricians.

You notice I said no fewer; and not no less. That's because no fewer is the correct grammatical way of saying it. I did attend that University lesson.

Anyway, all electricians were busy, except the last one I phoned who agreed to attend within the hour. It is always the last one you phone who can attend; isn't it? Why couldn't one of the others attend? They would have been the last one much earlier!

The electrician tried the switch a few times ... click ... click ... no light. That's because there was no light bulb anyway. So he put a light bulb ... click ... click ... still no light. Another light bulb ... still no light.

"Must be a faulty switch!" he said. He'd obviously attended that particular University lesson about identifying whether the switch is faulty.

"I'll need to change the switch!" he said, "only I haven't got one."

Can you imagine? An electrician with a van full of all sorts of equipment and wires and electrical type things; but no switch. He must have missed that lesson I suppose.

I remembered I had a spare switch in the garage in a tool box somewhere. He said it would fit perfectly as a replacement and offered to buy it from me for £2.

"Why?" I asked.

"So I can fit it in your room," he said, "and it'll save me having to go to the store and buy a switch for you!"

"But why not fit my switch, which you said is OK, for free? Just charge me for your time to do the job!" I said.

"Can't do that," he replied, "it says here on the invoice I have to give you, 'Parts', that's the price of the parts I use, that's the switch. And 'Labour', that's the cost of my time to do the job. Then I add both for 'Total'. So I can't give you an invoice with 'Labour' only. How can I do any job without parts, like the switch, or wires and so on?"

I was too tired to argue and I needed the lights on to write this Blog post for you. So I sold him my switch for £2 as agreed.

Half an hour later he'd finished the job.

He gave me an invoice which said 'Parts' £10 and 'Labour' £25; TOTAL £35.

"Why did you charge me £10 for the switch which you bought from me for £2?" I asked.

"Because that's the price I would have paid at the store!" he replied, looking at me as if I'm an idiot.

"But you did not go to the store," I protested, "I saved you the drive, and the cost of gas getting there, and the travelling time which would not have been included in the invoice. So if anything I saved you a lot of money by selling you the switch which I was prepared to give you for free to start with, because it was mine anyway!"

He said, "Sorry mate. The normal invoice for this kind of work is £10 for the switch, and £25 for my time to do the work. You should not have sold me the switch for £2. You should have insisted on £10!"

As I said, I was too tired to argue. I gave him the £35.

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Do not take logic for granted.

More important - do not take God for granted.

Ignorant I Am

I don't like ballet. I don't like opera either. If I can help it I avoid both.

You may say I am ignorant.
But I'm not the only one.
I hope some day you'll join us. 
And we will all fight plagiarism ... something else I don't like.

But in my ignorance, there's something else I don't understand.

Usually, when you have an orchestra in a theatre, or outdoors even with a band, there's a man up front with a little stick waving his hands about like a demented puppet with his strings gone awry.

What does he actually do?

I've examined him closely and he doesn't seem to be doing anything important. He is sometimes called a conductor, or a maestro, but the people in front of him playing their different musical instruments appear to be ignoring him and reading the notes on the piece of paper in front of them. Even the man at the back with a little triangular piece of metal seems intent on concentrating on his sheet of paper and at the right moment he makes it ding just the once. No one seems to care about the man with the little stick up front.

To test the theory I got the toilet plunger and took off the rubber suction bit at the top. I then played some of my CDs and waved my hands in the air with the plunger stick in hand. The music from the CD played OK and did not seem to match my hand waving one little bit.

I made a video of it. See what you think.

The Fear That Grips Us All

Fear is a natural emotion. We all experience fear at one time or another in our lives. Fear can be a good thing at times because it  stops us from taking un-necessary risks. From being reckless and un-thoughtful in what you do.

But there are times when fear itself breeds more fear and grips us to the extent of ruling our lives.

Few of us are really immune to it.

The fear of losing our job and not being able to provide for our families. The fear of missing payments on our mortgage and losing our house. The fear of failure and being unable to work again. The fear of our very lives crumbling in front of our eyes.

The fear of a marriage breakdown. Infidelity. Divorce and its many heartaches. The tearing apart of a family. How it affects one's children. Separation. Costs. Access to children. Being no longer a part of their lives. The feeling of failure and betrayal.

The fear of growing old. Being alone. Especially at night. Forgotten with only one's memories for comfort. The fear of being unable to cope any more. The fear of losing control as others decide for you what is best. The fear that everyone you relied upon is now no longer there.

The fear of being ill. With no prospects of getting better. Relying on others and perhaps being a burden on family and friends. The fear of incapacity. The fear of being unable to make any decisions. The fear of being unable to afford treatment. The fear of un-ending pain.

The fear for others. Children. Grand-children. Other relatives or friends. How they are coping. How will they cope. The fear of the future and what it might bring. In an ever changing world, the very fear of opening a newspaper or seeing the news that something or other has happened that will adversely affect you or your loved ones.

Few of us can claim not to have experienced the real darkness of fear as it grips our minds, our imaginations and indeed our realities.

Because all these fears outlined above, and others besides not mentioned here, have actually happened to others and can very well happen to us.

One day we are living our lives happily and the next ... a quick change in circumstances can easily propel us into any of the fearful scenarios described above.

Christ taught us not to be afraid. That our God loves us. He cares for us. He will not let us perish. He is always by our side.

Yet ... these fearful events are real and have happened to others, those who love and obey God, and those who don't; and can so easily happen to us. So we feel, perhaps, that our fears are justified.

Until we consider, for a moment or two, how God feels about our so-called justified fears.

Isn't our fear, justified as it might be, a sign that we don't truly trust Him? A real profession of faith that, when it comes down to it, we don't really trust Him? Somehow, somewhere, in the back of our minds, we harbour that doubt, that worry, that when things will go bad for us, as they will inevitably be for some of us, we don't really trust Him enough to be by our side in our moment of need.

Now how do you think God feels about your lack of trust in Him?

We may not be able to help these fears when they attack our minds, perhaps sub-consciously, but we can fight against them with prayer. Real prayer. Through gritted teeth even. Admitting to God that we are fearful and yet, trying, through every fibre of our being to trust in Him, in His love and in His caring.

Fear will try to grip us all. It is how we handle it that is our salvation. And with His grace and help we will succeed.

FATHER FRANCIS MAPLE

The Sign of the Cross

When I was in hospital recently to have my sense of humour checked I saw something I'd not seen since I was a child.

They have a chapel in hospital. The door to the chapel is an ordinary door, like all the others in a long hospital corridor. It says on it "Chapel" as opposed to "X Ray" or "Pharmacy" or whatever else is posted on the other doors.

I noticed that several people whilst passing by this door did the sign of the Cross. A few opened the door and looked in for 5 or 10 seconds, did the sign of the Cross, and then continued on their way.

Now this is something I've not seen for many years when, as a child, we were taught to do the sign of the Cross whenever we passed a Church. I certainly did not expect to see it in secular Britain. 

Years ago, when Catholic churches used to ring the Angelus bells three times a day, people used to make the Sign of the Cross. Also, if in the street a funeral hearse passes by they would make the Sign of the Cross; and men would take their hats off. But I've never seen this happen in the UK.

I wonder whether this sign of respect is prevalent elsewhere. For example, do people make the Sign of the Cross before meals when they are at a restaurant or in public? Or say grace even?

I remember when young, on Ash Wednesday, some people used to go to work with ash on their forehead having been to Mass first. Not seen this in public for some time nowadays.

Times are changing. People don't want to publicise the fact that they are Christians any more.

Silent Prayer

In a Catholic Church, when we celebrate Mass, just before the Gospel is read, the congregation makes a small Sign of the Cross on their forehead, on their lips, and on their breast.

What's all that about?

In fact, it is a silent prayer all by itself.

The Sign of the Cross on one's forehead reminds us that the word of God should always be in the forefront of our minds. No matter what we do throughout life, it should always be in accordance to God's wishes and God's Commandments. By keeping God always on our mind we ensure that we're always close to Him and that we're less likely to go against His will.

The Sign on our lips means that we pray that we're always prepared to witness for God when the right time requires it. Many people often shy away from speaking up for God in conversation with family and friends, especially when He is ridiculed or spoken against. People tend to keep quiet for fear of offending others, or for fear of being ridiculed themselves. Instead, our lips can often be used to gossip, malign others, to spread rumours, lies and ill will. The Sign on our lips is a prayer that our lips are always used to glorify and serve God in all that we say.

The Sign on our breast is a prayer that God may always be within our heart and that we may grow to love Him and never stray from His love. Hearts can often hide grudges, hatred, revenge, envy, and all sorts of other sins. Signing the Cross on our heart is a prayer that we may be always pure and receptive to God's love and grace. 

The Sign of the Cross on our forehead, lips and hearts. A silent prayer all in itself.

Are You Listening?

Let us have a serious discussion with each other. Tell me what is on your heart and mind. Be honest. Disagree with me if you think I am wrong. Let me know your views.

In Olden Tymes God spoke to people and they heard Him clearly it seems. The early prophets heard God and wrote all the predictions about Jesus centuries before they happened.

Did you know there are more than 300 prophesies about Jesus in the Old Testament that He fulfilled in His life. Some prophesies He had no personal control over - like where He would be born, the manner of His death and suffering, where He would be buried. The fact that on His Death the Romans would not break His legs as they did to the other two crucified with Him. The fact that the Roman soldiers would divide His clothes amongst themselves and gamble for His robe whilst He hung from the Cross.

God also spoke clearly to individuals like Abraham for instance. He told him to sacrifice his son.

Now Abraham must have heard that command clearly, otherwise he would not have made all the preparations and went up the mountain with his son. Had this story happened in today's modern times no doubt the Child Protection people and the police would be involved and Abraham would land in jail or a mental institution.

God also spoke to Moses. He told him to get the Jews out of Egypt and take them to the promised land. He showed him how to provide food and water for the Jews. He told him how to separate the Red Sea so they could cross safely. He gave him the Ten Commandments.

Now imagine this. Moses goes up the mountain carrying nothing. He comes down again with two stone tablets on which the Commandments have been carved.

In order to do this he must have heard a voice clearly telling him what to write. He must have carved the stone tablets himself, or had a sculptor there waiting for him. Unless the stones were already there ready in-scripted with the Commandments. By the way, where are these tablets now? In some museum somewhere?

Anyway ... that is not the subject of the discussion we hope we have.

What I was wondering is: Does God speak to us now? Today? To people like you and me?

Does He speak with a voice like the one heard by the prophets, Abraham, Moses, the Disciples when they went up the mountain with Jesus at the Transfiguration, or as heard in Christ's Baptism?

Or does He speak silently in our hearts?

If the latter; how do we know it is God speaking and not our wishes and desires bringing forth in our minds what we would like to happen, or what we would like to do?

I know some of my readers have heard the voice of God in their hearts which has led them to do certain things. How were these readers certain it was God speaking to them? Please share your experiences with us.

I am certain that in today's cynical world if anyone said they heard God in a clear voice they would not be taken seriously and would be considered mentally unstable in some way.

That's probably why God does not speak in the same way as Olden Tymes. That is probably why He does not send angels like He did to Mary, Joseph and the shepherds to deliver His messages. He probably wants to spare us the accusations and finger pointing by today's society if we said we heard God clearly, or saw a vision of Him, or of Christ.

He probably speaks to us in our hearts, or in dreams. But how do we know it is Him and not the devil playing tricks with us?

Share your views and experiences.

Time For Reflections

A short radio tape with a message that may be of help to someone. Six minutes long.

Can women multi-task like pigeons?

It has long been held as a theory that women can multi-task better than men. Apparently, men cannot do two things at the same time, like walking and chewing gum, for instance. Whereas women can do two or more things at the same time quite easily.

Now I am not sure whether this is true, but I have often been in situations where a woman is sitting beside me reading the road map and at the same time telling me that I am driving too fast, too close to the car in front and to watch out for that cyclist. So it is true, I suppose, that women can read maps and check my driving at the same time.

However, there is now a new thoery by some research professors that we humans, when we attempt to multi-task, we are liable to make more mistakes than a pigeon.

Why is it, I ask myself, that there are so many scientists and professors wasting so much time researching things that are of no value at all to life as we know it. Why compare our ability to make mistakes to that of a pigeon and not, for instance, a fish or a blindfolded skunk wondering where the bad smell is coming from?

Anyway, as it happens some scientists have discovered that we make more mistakes than pigeons. For instance, if we were writing an e-mail or typing on a computer and someone speaks to us and we engage in conversation we are more liable, than not, to make mistakes in what we are typing.

In comparison, a pigeon could be on the ground foraging for food or gathering small twigs to make a nest yet at the same time he, or she, is able to keep watch for any predators and listen to any sounds which might spell danger, like a cat lurking in the grass.

Scientists admit, however, that pigeons are unable to send e-mails or texts and engage in conversation or cooing at the same time. Thus proving that their research was not only a waste of their time but that of the pigeons as well. After hours of having several pigeons sitting on keyboards the scientists had nothing to show for it other than keyboards covered with pigeon droppings ingrained in between the keys.

They released the pigeons in the wild before releasing their news releases proclaiming their discoveries.

Which goes to prove that we should never under-estimate the intelligence of a pigeon. They all agreed not to type one word with the keyboard but to make a more obvious statement instead.

So surreal I didn't believe it

A strange thing happened the other day. So strange that I guess you will not believe a word I tell you. In fact I can hardly believe it myself. But I have to tell someone in the hope that some body will believe me.

The door bell rang and there, standing on his hind legs, was a crocodile. I said you won't believe it; but it's true. Standing some seven feet tall, taller than me, was a crocodile.

I was at a loss for words. I usually am when I don't have my dictionary with me. I had left it in the living room open at the page where it explains what onomatopoeia is.

I bet you don't know what  onomatopoeia is. It is the process of creating a word that phonetically imitates, resembles, or suggests the sound that it describes. For example words such as "oink", "meow", "roar" and "chirp". But since this was a crocodile and not a pig, cat, lion or bird, it did not do any of these onomatopoeic sounds.

It just stood there and said, "I've failed again and all is lost!"

Well, that got me confused and flabbergasted at the same time. I can't remember which came first. A talking crocodile indeed. Reminded me of that talking snake in the Bible. The first ever consultant in the world. I could have fallen to the ground with a crash; and no doubt created another onomatopoeic word.

But I didn't. I was angry so I stood my ground. I was not so much angry at having been interrupted by a talking crocodile but more so because I had minutes previously swallowed a piece from my favourite 1000 pieces jigsaw puzzle. The jigsaw portrayed the scene from The Death of Sardanapalus, oil on canvas, by Ferdinand Victor Eugène Delacroix. Do you know it? If not, look it up.

Anyway, as I was saying, before my vanity enticed me to portray my intellect. I had just swallowed a piece of my jigsaw puzzle and that made me angry. I was busily making the puzzle whilst having breakfast and a piece fell into my corn flakes bowl and I inadvertently ate it. And it was central to the whole scene too; as you'll testify if you'd bother to look the painting up.

So an unexpected visit by a talking crocodile put the icing on the cake as it were. Metaphorically speaking, that is. Look up the meaning of metaphor yourself; I'm too busy telling this story.

Before I could say anything, the crocodile at my doorstep started to cry. I could tell straight away they were crocodile tears.

"Snap out of it!" I said. Which is an unfortunate turn of phrase to use to a crocodile. "Snap out of it ... you have interrupted my breakfast consisting of corn flakes, warm milk, a little sugar and bits of card board essential to a complicated amusing pastime consisting of formulating a nice picture by joining together the said pieces of cardboard!"

He wasn't listening. He mumbled incoherently that he was due to attend a fancy dress party the night before, where he intended to propose to his girl-friend, who incidentally was attending as a KFC chicken leg.

But he got lost and ran out of petrol just opposite my house. As he got out of the car to ask me for help, he trod on his long tail, fell forward, knocking his head on the ground where he stayed unconscious all night. 

This morning he regained consciousness, and the first thing he did was to turn his car radio on to check what time it was. On the news it was reported that there was a crocodile loose in our area, so he quickly ran to my house in case said crocodile would attack him and kill him. Something he feared his girlfriend might also do thinking that he had stood her up at the party.

Well, with a tall tale like this ... I mean an unbelievable story, not a tall tail which the crocodile certainly had ... please stop interrupting me ... as I was saying; what could I do?

I let him in. He phoned his girlfriend. And an hour later a KFC chicken leg came to his rescue.

Have you ever seen a crocodile kiss a KFC chicken leg?

God's Timing

Father Ignatius' office was on the top floor of Parish House, on the grounds of St Vincent Church high on the hill. From his office window he could see the whole town spreading down the hill beneath him. He looked thoughtfully at all the terraced houses and tenements huddling close together to keep warm and safe from the cold winter drawing near, and the early dark afternoons so typical in Northern England from September onwards. The freezing mist combined with the acrid smoke from many coal burning fireplaces to form a smog which enveloped the town hiding in misery and poverty.

His thoughts turned to the many people living rough under bridges and in parks because they had nowhere to stay. And the number of children going to bed hungry because there was simply nothing in the larder to eat. Business closures and unemployment had hit this town harder than most and it seems that Northern England is often forgotten when the economy takes a turn for the worst.

He brought to mind the number of parishioners from St Vincent who lived in poverty and considered what else he could do to help them further. As it is, most of the meagre funds he received from the Sunday collections was spent on helping the poor and old in the Parish; and several urgent maintenance jobs in the church and Parish House had been ignored because he believed helping his flock came first.

He looked at his watch and then at the clock on the wall by his desk. He was due to attend a meeting in town to discuss with the Local Authorities officials and representatives from other church denominations in town what they could collectively do to help those sleeping outdoors in winter.

He put all his papers in his briefcase and was about to go when something made him stop. He could not explain what it was. He knew that he should leave now if he were to get to the meeting on time, but somehow he felt that he should stay a while.

He sat at his desk and looked at the large Crucifix hanging on the wall in front of him. He looked at the clock again. It was time to leave, yet he felt he should stay a while longer. He said a silent prayer and asked for guidance. Ten minutes or so later he felt at ease. A soothing calmness came over him and he felt it was now time to go to his meeting.

He got in his car and drove the usual route to town. About half a mile down the hill he saw the blue flashing lights from a parked police car and an ambulance.

The police stopped him. He got out of the car and asked the policeman if he could help in any way and explained that he was a priest. The policeman walked him further on towards what appeared to be a car accident.

There on the ground was a little girl who had been hit by the car. She was not seriously injured but was lying on the ground and attended to by the ambulance men. She was crying and asking for Father Ignatius by name.

He approached her. She was the daughter of one of his parishioners and he knew her and her family well. She recognised him immediately and crying her heart out asked him to call her mom to come to her help.

Moments later, comforted by the priest, she was taken to hospital, whilst Father Ignatius drove to the mother's place of work and took her to hospital to be re-united with her daughter.

On his way to the scheduled meeting, much later that evening, Father Ignatius understood why he was detained at this office by the unexplained feeling to wait. Had he left on time he would have driven the same route and missed the accident altogether. He was destined to be late and to come to the little girl's help.

This story is based on real facts. A priest I know well was detained by an unexplained feeling in his office and when he eventually left for a meeting he found a young girl from his congregation involved in an accident and asking for him by name to get her mother to her.

Mathematics Made Measly

I know Mathematics is a subject many people find difficult to understand. Well - no more.

In this easy lesson I will try to explain the basics of mathematics and you'll be able to astound and amaze all your friends at parties, at business conferences, church prayer group meetings and other gatherings like funerals or divorce proceedings in Court.

For example:

PERCENTAGES - Did you know that 9 out of every 6 people do not understand percentages. That's almost half or 50%. See; it's simple. There's 100 in a whole percentage so half is 50%.

PYTHAGORAS -

 

He was a famous Greek mathematician amongst other things. He taught that the square on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of two other squares somewhere else. See the diagram above. Once you've understood it, just forget it because it has no valuable purpose in life. 

PROBABILITY - This means the chance of something happening. Again, I refer you to the diagram above. Did you know that there is more of a chance or probability of a person being killed by a hippopotamus than being killed by a shark. This is because there are no sharks in sub-Saharan Africa where the hippopotamus lives. So the likelihood, or probability, of a shark jumping out from behind a bush in Africa and biting your leg is nil or zero. That is unless you take a shark with you there and he gets annoyed that you've stuffed him in your luggage. 

DISTANCE - This one is simple. It is the measurement between one object and another and it can be measured by different means depending on which country you are in. Some measure in kilometres. Others measure in miles. Or if at sea they measure in knots for no particular reason other than to confuse landlubbers. The principle is simple. If something is far away it is small. Which explains the dilemma as to whether Napoleon was small or far away; or perhaps both. Also, as something approaches you it grows bigger. I once saw a small toy piano fall from a skyscraper. Eventually it grew bigger and hit me.

TEMPERATURE - This is the same as distance with some people measuring in Degrees Centigrade whilst others prefer Fahrenheit. The Centigrade scale is easier because it starts at 0, when water is frozen, and goes up to 100, when water boils. But did you also know there is Absolute Zero? This is the lowest possible temperature you can ever get to? You just cannot get any lower than Absolute Zero.

It is in fact -273.15° on the Celsius (Centigrade) scale and −459.67° on the Fahrenheit scale. It is over 100 kilos on the bathroom scale if you have been over-eating lately. So if you avoid weighing yourself you'll be OK.

At Absolute Zero nothing really happens. The buses will not run so it is pointless waiting for them at the bus stop. And don’t even be tempted to lick the bus stop sign whilst you're there because there may be all sort of germs on it.

Absolute Zero is also what most men get from their wives when they've said something that upsets them.

TIME - This is the simplest thing to learn. The clock has numbers written on it in a circular fashion from 1 to 12. Simple. When the big hand is on Number 1 it means five minutes, when it is on 2 it is ten minutes, when on 3 it is a quarter past, when on 6 it is half past, and when on 9 it is a quarter to. Could not be simpler. When the big hand is on 12 it is another hour. So instead of 1 it is 2, or instead of 2 it is 3 and so on up to 12 hours. Unless you have a 24 hours clock when you get 13 hours, or 14 hours and so on. Some prefer to read 12 hours in the daylight as noon; and 12 hours in the dark as midnight. Whilst others are asleep at this time and don't care anyway. 

People in Northern areas of the world cannot count noon and midnight because it is always dark in there. Their hours of daylight are only an hour or so. As soon as they get up it is time to go to bed again. They get out of bed, prepare breakfast made of eggs, bacon, sausages, beans, perhaps with some muesli and strong coffee; then they go back to sleep without eating it.

VOLUME - This is the measure of how much is inside something. A fat person, for instance, has much more inside them than a thinner person. Let's imagine the inside of something as a cup or glass. A glass is better because you can see through it. It is transparent; unless you have not washed it for a while in which case it says more about you than about the glass. 

So, looking at a glass we need to consider its volume. What is inside it. Is it half full or half empty? Personally I don't care for either as long as it does not leave a stain on the table. One way of avoiding this is by sticking a table mat on the bottom. That's the bottom of the glass, not your own bottom. Unless you wish to sit on the table naked in which case you should stick the table mats on your bottom. Don't forget to invite me, or send me photos, if you intend doing so.

ALGEBRA - This is a difficult and confusing area of mathematics and I would not blame you if you ignore it. It combines numbers with letters like: 2a +3 b = 5x - y

Let's be honest; how often did you go to the supermarket and say, "if 3 cans of beer and 2 bottles of wine cost $23.75 then how much would 4 containers of dish washing liquid cost? The answer is, "who cares?" Besides, if you were to consume the washing liquid instead of the drinks it would taste awful and you would poop soap bubbles for a week. I've tried it!

GEOMETRY - Another waste of time when it comes to mathematics. This is the study of shapes like cute triangles and obtuse ones who cannot even spell acute. But it is not just triangles which will confuse your head; there are also squares, rectangles, parallelograms, polygons (dead parrots), and circles. Personally, the shapes I like are hourglass figures which come in many sizes of course. Small, Medium or Rubenesque.

And the same applies for men's figures of course.

GPS Lady

There I was driving on the highway and listening … no, obeying, every word that the GPS Satellite Navigation System lady is telling me.

Turn left, go right, keep straight ahead … and so on.

To be honest, she was doing pretty good and was not reading the map upside down as happens when I have a certain person next to me guiding the way. Not once did the GPS lady say “you should have taken the left turn we just passed” half a mile after we passed it. And she never told me to watch out for that cyclist, and I’m too near the parked cars, or that I was going too fast in a built-up area.

I was very impressed with the soft spoken GPS lady, especially since she never shouted that I don’t listen and where did I ever learn to drive.

But she did something very strange.

She suddenly said, “I’m going for a comfort break”.

“Hein?” I thought.

Then there was a lot of chatting in the background. A number of female voices talking about all sort of things. They talked about knitting patterns and the price of wool, then they talked about cooking and the best way to make pizza dough, and after that they started gossiping about various TV programs and celebrities.

It was obvious that the GPS lady had abandoned me and left her microphone on; and I was listening to her colleagues chatting amongst themselves in between calls and giving directions to their vehicle drivers.

I continued driving since you’re not allowed to stop on the highway and I prayed and hoped as every mile went by that she’d soon return from her comfort break and direct me to my destination.

I slowed down a little to give her time to get ready, wash her hands, that sort of thing, and return to me.

As the miles went by on my dashboard meter there was no sign of my GPS lady and plenty of signs of my nervous tension reaching new heights.

Then I saw that the highway was splitting into two some miles ahead. I read the notices above the highway saying that to the left you go somewhere or other, and to the right you go somewhere or other totally different.

But which way is my way? I knew where I wanted to reach my destination but did not know how to get there. If I took either of the two roads ahead I could well end up miles from where I wanted to go. I had a pressing meeting to attend and I could not afford to get there late.

I decided to get off the highway and stop at the safest place possible. I got out of the car and searched for an old map book I knew I had. If modern technology gave up on me I’ll get back to the old and tested technology.

A few minutes later a police car drew up and stopped behind me. Two huge policemen in high visibility jackets came out and approached me.

“What seems to be the problem Sir?” asked one of them, “has your car broken down?”

“No … the car’s OK,” I replied hesitantly, “It’s my GPS lady …”

“GPS lady? You mean the announcer on your system. What’s the matter with her?”

“She’s gone for a comfort break!”

“What?” asked the incredulous policeman.

“The GPS lady directing me to my destination said she needed the toilet about half an hour ago and she hasn’t come back!”

Try as I might I could not convince the two policemen what had happened. They suspected I’d been drinking and asked that I take a breathalyzer test there and then to check the level of alcohol in my system, followed by urine and blood tests at the police station.

I protested and they threatened to arrest me. I took the breathalyzer test which of course was negative. I was as sober as a judge who’d lost his GPS lady.

Then it occurred to me to tell them that she left her microphone open and I could hear her colleagues chatting about cooking and knitting.

They approached the vehicle and opened the door. Mercifully, her colleagues were still chatting away. This time they were talking about ballroom dancing.

“Sir,” said the second policeman in a stern face which he could hardly keep straight, “this is Women’s World on the radio. You must have inadvertently turned off the GPS system!”

They let me off with a warning to be more careful, and went away to write their report.

My GPS lady guided me to my destination, albeit somewhat late.

Beware of Hypnotists without watches

After that last scary experience at the hypnotist I began to have nightmares about hypnotists. I dreamt of hypnotists everywhere riding hippopotamuses or hippoppotami ... or whatever is the plural of hippopotamus. As long as they looked like hypnotists I got scared out of my life regardless of what they were riding in my nightmares or night horses. Every word with hip in it kept recurring in my dreams and made me fear hypnotising hippopotamuses sitting on my hips even more.

In order to cure my fear of hypnotists I went to see a hypnotist and asked him to cure me. He said, "What are you afraid of?"

I replied, "I'm afraid of being put to sleep by hypnotists like you!"

He said, "But in order to cure you I have to put you to sleep, are you not scared of that?"

I replied, "Of course I am. But my fear of being put to sleep by a hypnotist is far outweighed by my fear of you putting me to sleep to cure my fear of being put to sleep by a hypnotist."

(I had to read this sentence twice before uttering it to the hypnotist).

I asked him, "Can you not put me to sleep whilst I am awake, and cure me then?"

He said, he'll put me half to sleep so that whilst I'm asleep I am not really asleep and he'll be able to cure my fear of hypnotists putting me to sleep because I am not asleep really.

(So I read the above sentence twice as well to understand what he was on about).

He then took out his pocket watch and started swinging it from left to right in front of my eyes saying, "you're getting sleepy ... no you're not ... yes you are ... no you're not ..."

He had such a boring voice that I must have soon dozed off. When he woke me up he suddenly said, "BOOOOH!!!!"

I did not flinch a muscle.

"There you are," he said, "you're cured. You did not jump when I scared you! Now give me my watch back!"

"What?" I asked totally surprised.

"You stole my watch," he accused me, "whilst you were asleep you stole my watch!"

"No I didn't ..." I protested.

"Yes you did," he insisted, "it's in your jacket pocket!"

I looked in my pocket and to my surprise there was his watch. I was confused. How did this happen? I didn't recall stealing his watch. I apologised and returned it.

He said, "you stole my pen too ... it's in your other pocket!"

And true enough there it was. I got really worried and gave him his pen back. Somehow, whilst I was hypnotised I seem to have developed another habit of stealing things from people. But only when I'm asleep.

"You also tried to steal my desk," he said, "only you could not fit it in your pocket! But I bet you have my wardrobe and swivel chair in there."

"I'm ... I'm sorry ..." I mumbled totally confused, "I do not have your desk in my pocket".

(There's a sentence I never thought I would utter. Is there a sentence you never thought you would utter? Get hypnotised and find out).

The hypnotist was relentless. He continued, "You also told me in your sleep ... half-sleep ... that you are a kleptomaniac, and that you're taking something for it ... my desk and couch not doubt ... only they did not fit in your pocket."

By then I was totally concerned as well as being totally confused. I became more afraid of hypnotists than when I was at first when I came in with a fear of hypnotists and wanting to be cured of that very fear of hypnotists. Then I was afraid of hypnotists putting me to sleep, now I am afraid of hypnotists putting me sleep and accusing me of stealing their furniture amongst other things.

At first I was afraid, I was petrified ... hold on, I'm sure I have used this joke before in my writings. But then, you can't beat the old ones can you? They don't write them like that any more. At least I don't!

The man then said, "You've also stolen my underwear which you're wearing right now. Give them back!"

I got up from the couch and ran out of the window. Pity it was three floors up; but I kept running.

When I got home I checked it was my underwear I was wearing ... which thankfully it was. But I also found in my pocket a KFC chicken leg which did not belong to me. It belonged to the chicken, or the KFC shop, or perhaps the hypnotist. I remembered that week I had gone to the burger bar, so if anything I expected to find a half-eaten bun instead. How did the chicken leg get there?

How about you? Have you ever been accused of stealing a hypnotist's underwear? And did you?

There's a cure for it, you know!