Wednesday 10 October 2018

Good Advice Freely Given Here


The purpose of this Blog is to dispense good sensible advice for a happy and healthy life for all our readers. May we remind you that care should be taken in following such advice and where necessary to obtain professional guidance and counsel from the medical profession, psychiatrist, counsellor or your local refuse collection service.

1   When making a cup of tea, never ever, throw the hot tea bag in the trash bin. You risk setting your bin and house on fire. Blow on the tea bag to cool it first, or rest it on a plate to cool before throwing it away.

2   Never ever, use a vacuum cleaner in a room or house with the windows closed. The vacuum cleaner will suck in all the oxygen in the house and you will lose consciousness and die. This is a serious warning certified by the British Institute of Technological Sciences, (BITS).

3   To relieve stress have a bath with no water at all. Just get undressed and sit in the bath comfortably with no water whatsoever. Close your eyes and imagine all your worries and woes wash away. For extra cleanliness I sometimes vacuum clean myself. Be careful where you aim your vacuum nozzle though!

4   In life, always move forwards and never look back. They say that you learn from the past. Sheer nonsense. Looking backwards whilst moving forwards will result in you bumping into a tree, lamp post or other street furniture. Or falling down the stairs or being run over by a bus. Although, what is a bus doing in your house is another mystery of life.

5   Don't judge people by their accents, the way they talk or their vocabulary and sentence construction. Do like me. Judge people before they even speak. Within seconds of meeting people I have decided and placed them into one of two groups. Those I will never like in this or any other eternity. Those I might possibly, with a lot of patience and perseverance on my part, get to like eventually within a 15 minutes time span. So far, only 0.5% of people I meet are in the second category. You can easily decide in which group you place a person depending on whether they brought you a cake or delicious gateau or not.

6   Liking people in life is difficult. You need a specific criteria based on scientific well researched facts, and not on feelings, or other personal likes or dislikes which can so often be wrong. You should like people based on distance. The further away they are the more you should like them.

7   In order to peel and cut an onion without tears you have to do it under water; that is if you can hold your breath for that long.

Absolute Zero is the lowest possible temperature you can ever get to. You just cannot get any lower than Absolute Zero. It is in fact -273.15° on the Celsius scale and -459.67° on the Fahrenheit scale. It is over 100 kilos on the bathroom scale if you have been over-eating lately. At Absolute Zero nothing really happens. The buses will not run so it is pointless waiting for them at the bus stop. And don’t even be tempted to lick the bus stop sign whilst you're there because there may be all sort of germs on it. Absolute Zero is also what most men get from their wives when they've said or done something that upsets them.

9   Be-friending or following someone on social media is an absolute waste of time as the person you are following may very well not know where he is going. I once did not like something I had written on social media so I un-friended myself and could not log into my account again.

10   Finally, never ever take advice from anyone else. Not even from this column. Always rely on your own advice, especially when you do not know or have the full facts. That way, when things go **** up, (as they say around here), you will have the satisfaction of having done it all by yourself.

18 comments:

  1. These are so great! I especially enjoyed #s 5 and 6. A life-long resident of Alabama, my daughter-in-law is particularly incensed when 'outsiders' mistake a Southern accent for ignorance.

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    1. Here too, Mevely, we have a variety of accents and people have pre-conceived opinions on them. A Scottish accent is meant to be friendly. Some firms use Scottish accents for their telephone answering service.

      Keep smiling my friend. God bless.

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  2. As always, I got some great chuckles out of your humorous advice today, Victor. I live in the south, like Mevely, and I have to agree that the accents here are too often judged negatively by those from the northern states. Just because we say "ain't" and "y'all" doesn't mean we aren't smart. We're just more friendly and laid back.
    And when I need advice, I turn to the Word.
    Blessings, my friend!

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    1. It's amazing, Martha, how many different accents there are. Here in the UK, a small island by any counts, we have varying accents in Scotland, Wales and many parts of England and Northern Ireland. In Scotland, Glasgow and Edinburgh are not that far apart; yet their accents are totally different.

      I heard once that Glasgow people consider Edinburgh people as "eating fish and chips (a take away meal) with white gloves on". Meaning that they are very posh and upper-class. Even in Edinburgh itself, there's a district known as Morningside which is considered very upper-class by the rest of Edinburgh people.

      God bless.

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  3. Sometimes people have too many preconceived ideas when it comes to accents or where you come from or live. It happens everywhere. We saw it with Native groups with the different dialects. Sometimes I think that people concentrate too much on the differences rather than what they have in common.

    It's sad about Fran and that she quit blogging. I did enjoy her art and comments. Hope she will be fine.
    Have a wonderful evening, my friend!

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    1. You're right, Bill. People do judge according to accents and they focus more on our differences rather than what unites us.

      It is always sad when someone stops blogging. We are all a big family and each of us a beacon lighting the big wide web.

      God bless.

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  4. Your mind, Victor, is a very mysterious thing!! I'm glad I don't live in your head but sure do love the giggles your posts always bring out.

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    1. Giggles? Me? This is all serious stuff, Terri.

      As my grandfather used to say, "People who are far away from you are actually small!" Someone once threw a bonsai tree at him. He did not react thinking the tree was far away. Then it hit him.

      My other grandfather always advised me to take everything with a pinch of salt. Mind you, he made a terrible cup of tea.

      My other grand father used to say that what does not kill you makes you strong. Then one day he got diarrhoea after a re-heated meal.

      My other grandfather ... I'll tell you about him some other time.

      God bless.

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  5. Some advice there that I've never heard before. Thanks for the laughs. : )

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  6. Your suggestions will be taken under advisement :}

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  7. Linked on my blog comments--since you forgot to do this. All our readers needs this timely advice.
    Blessings!

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    1. Sorry, Lulu. I don't know how to do linked things. I'll ask my computer guy.

      Thanx for linking. Hope this advice helps people everywhere.

      God bless.

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  8. I read number seven with interest …
    In order to peel and cut an onion without tears you have to do it under water; that is if you can hold your breath for that long.

    My dear Mum used to peel and cut her onions with a teaspoon in her mouth … an old wives tale , but she always said it worked!
    Apparently "The theory behind this old wives tale is that the sulphurous enzymes released by cutting the onion, bind with the metals in the stainless steel spoon en route to your lachrymal glands (the ones responsible for reflexive tears)."

    More here
    https://www.yuppiechef.com/spatula/myth-or-magic-can-a-teaspoon-ward-off-onion-tears/

    :)

    All the best Jan

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    1. I've often wondered about this theory Jan. I find that sometimes I get tears when cutting onions and sometimes not. It seems to depend on the onions, I guess. However, when frying onions, the smell tends to linger in the house. Which is annoying.

      God bless you.

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