A Good Read About You

 

As an author of the odd book or two, I have often wondered ... what if I am not real? What if I am a character in my own books, or a character in someone else's book? A book which is read by a school of fish?

What if this book were to win the Lobster Award? What would that be like? Would a lobster present the Award?

And what if in this book, within which I am a character, I have to play tennis at Wimbledon, or the US Tennis Open championship against an octopus? He would surely win because he has eight rackets against my one!

And being a character in a book I have no control on what I say or do; or who I meet, and who else is in the book. It's up to the author's imagination and writing skills. And indeed it is in keeping with the period of time he is writing the book in which I feature as a character. He could be writing in Chaucer's time, or Shakespeare's, or at a time so old that the letters on his type-writer are in Latin.

As a character in a book I could meet other characters; like Vaughn Veneer the Second, for instance. Vaughn could be married to twice-married Henrietta Knobbly-Knees and he could have a step-son called Ivor Ladder.

Vaughn could be an inept lazy rich person who inherited a fortune from his father a trader in second-hand shoes who started at the bottom and worked his way down. Vaughn is so lazy that if he fainted he would require help to fall to the ground. His staff would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

In this imaginary book, Vaughn once said to me that he's so laid back and lazy that he would rather have a quiet meal in a restaurant with his wife than make love to her. The last time he made love to her they were thrown out of the restaurant.

Once Vaughn had to make an after-dinner speech to his staff. His colleagues encouraged him to tell a few jokes about sex and even offered to write the speech for him.

On the evening in question, he delivered the speech as written by his colleagues. 

When he went home, his wife asked him what he spoke about. He mumbled, "Oh ... nothing much ... boating and sailing ... that sort of thing!"

A few days later I met his wife at the supermarket. In order to make conversation I said that the speech was well received the other night.

She said, "That's strange, considering he only tried it twice. The first time he was sea-sick and the second time his hat blew off!"

Don't blame me if this joke is a little risqué. I'm only a character in this book, remember?

Have you ever wondered if you are a character in someone's book, being read by a giraffe, or a bookworm maybe?