Ink Blots

 

I went to see a psychiatrist the other day ...

Now, before you all jump at the wrong conclusion and think that I need certifying; let me explain. A colleague at work is married to a psychiatrist. She said that anyone who thinks he does not need to visit a psychiatrist should have his head examined.

Anyway, she needed to go and see her husband at his practice because he forgot his book, "A to Z of Phobias", which he needs when meeting his patients in his insulting room.

It's a wonderful book. Each page has a big letter of the alphabet, a picture, and an explanation about it.

A = Arachnophobia

The fear of crawly creepy spiders which can run towards you and attack you without warning.

B = Bananaphobia

The fear of bouncing big bananas which can bounce towards you and attack you without warning.

There is also C = Chocolatephobia, and so on all the way to Z. 

Since my colleague was busy finishing a report she was writing, I volunteered to take the book to her husband. 

When I got there, his receptionist would not let me in without an appointment. I explained I was only delivering a book. She insisted on an appointment. I made an appointment for five minutes' time. She kept me waiting for five minutes then let me in his insulting room.

As soon as I got in, he asked me to lie down on the couch. I asked him why. He replied, "I want to vacuum clean the room and you're standing in my way!"

I laid down on the couch. He asked me why I came to see him. I explained that I was delivering his book. He asked me why I stole it. 

"I used to be a kleptomaniac," he said, "I took something for it!"

I explained patiently that I was delivering his book on behalf of his wife who works for me. He asked me to look at some ink spots, or blots, and to say what I saw in them. To humour him, I looked at the first piece of paper and said:

"I see two distressed dolphins arguing because the husband dolphin has lost his job at the sea-side marina because nobody wants to swim with him because he has bad body odour; and the wife dolphin is concerned that they may be thrown out of the marina and they will have to swim freely in the ocean away from all the tourists who come to see them. The sea-side marina could then well close down because of lack of tourists and no income. And it's all because the husband dolphin insists on eating garlic with everything and breathe his body odour over the tourists!"

He raised his eyebrows in amazement. "Do you really see all this in these stains?" he asked.

"Of course," I replied in a straight face.

"Funny," he said, "I accidentally spilt some coffee on this sheet of paper this morning; and wondered what it all meant!"

He then asked me, "Just a question, another little test ... you know the earth spins round one revolution every day. That's why we have daylight with the sun, and night time. What would happen, do you think, if the earth stopped spinning?"

I looked him straight in the face and said, "all the moths would fly to the side that is lit up!"

"Do you have difficulty concentrating?" he asked me.

At that very moment a penguin entered the insulting room and stood behind him.

"Of course not," I replied, "I can concentrate as well as ... there's a penguin!"

"Where?" he asked.

"It's behind you!" I said.

"I don't believe you!" he insisted.

"It's either a large penguin or a small nun!" I insisted even more.

"Oh ... she's been coming here for a while," he said, "she read my book ... P = Penguinphobia. The fear of imagining you are a penguin."

I gave her a packet of fish sticks I'd just bought on my way in and left as quickly as I could.