Cheer Up You Lot!

 

I put a video of me sneezing on YouTube and now the whole street is doing the same. Apparently, it’s gone viral.

Tried making a candlelit dinner but I think it would have cooked quicker in the oven.

I bought some bird seed months ago, but still haven’t managed to grow any birds.

At the airport, I had my luggage torn to pieces, so I asked my lawyer if I could sue the airline. He said, “you don’t have much of a case”.

Couldn’t sleep, so went to a counsellor for advice.  He said, “sleep on the edge of the bed, you’ll soon drop off”

Went to the shop today to buy some lemons, bananas and apples, but they didn’t have any. It was a fruitless trip.

During the cold spell last week, I had to scrape ice off my windscreen. Used my supermarket loyalty card. Only got 10% off.

I always get frustrated trying to put my trousers in the wardrobe. Think I have hanger management issues.

A friend's business "Cooking with Spices" has not been successful. His bank has called in the bay leafs.

A local bank is introducing a cash machine built in to a tree. If it’s successful, they might expand to other branches.

Farmer thought that the barn he kept his chickens in was haunted. Had to call an eggsorcist. Turns out it was a poultrygeist.

I would tell a joke about a bed, but it hasn’t been made up yet.

Ran out of battery when filming my friend’s speech at his wedding. Now I’m never going to hear the end of it.

Checking in for a flight, I was asked, “Window or Aisle?”. I said, Window or you’ll do what?

As one door closes, another one opens. Wish I’d paid more attention to the assembly instructions for this wardrobe.

Went to see an Abba tribute band recently. They were so loud you could hear the drums from Nandos.

A friend of mine has just qualified as a chiropodist. His twin brother is a dentist. They opened a practice together called "Foot and Mouth Disease".