Cheer up you lot ... I can't bare it

 

My friend talked me into lending her money for plastic surgery. I’ve been trying to get it back for months. Unfortunately, I have no idea what she looks like these days.

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When in London some nice tourist couple gave me a very good, expensive camera just outside London bridge.  I didn’t really understand what they were saying, but it was very nice of them.

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Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry.
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Police officer: “Sir, I don’t understand. You lost the credit card a year ago, why are you reporting it now?” 

 

Guy: “The thief wasn’t spending nearly as much as my wife used to…” 

 

Police officer: “But why report it now?” 

 

Guy: “I think the thief’s wife got hold of it now.”

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A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”   

The husband: “Are you mad? I barely know that woman!”
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Tom and Anna are both 60 years old and have been married for 40 years. One day they go for a walk and all of a sudden a good fairy stands in front of them and says, “You’ve been married for so long and you’re so cute together, I’ll grant you a wish each.” 

The woman is beside herself with joy and wishes for a holiday trip abroad. Poof – she’s holding two tickets and a five-star hotel voucher for two. - 

The man says, “Wow, that’s one chance in a lifetime! I’m sorry, darling, but I wish I had a wife that’s 30 years younger than me.”  

“Are you sure?” asks the fairy.  

“Yes!” replies Tom without hesitation. 

Poof once more – and he’s 90.

Don't mess with fairies - they are all women!
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A woman has a date she’s very much looking forward to. She put on her best dress, spent an hour on make-up and chose the least comfortable but fanciest shoes she possesses. And of course, spent ages getting herself all waxed and toned and scrubbed. She’s all ready – but her date is nowhere to be seen, although its already time.

She waits and waits – nothing. After about an hour she’s had enough. She takes it all off, wraps herself up in her fluffiest pyjamas and bathrobe, makes a mug of cocoa, takes a pot of ice cream and sits grumpily in front of some comfort TV.

 One hour later, the doorbell goes off – and there’s her date! He looks at her quickly and says, “My God, Andrea, seriously? I’m 2 hours late and you’re still not ready?!”