Smile Times

 

 

A drunk man stumbles out of bar and runs into two priests. The drunk man looks at the first priest and says, “Hey, I’m Jesus Christ.”

The first priest tells the man, “No, my son, you’re not.”

Then the man turns to the second priest and says the same thing. “Hey, I’m Jesus Christ.”

The second priest tells the man, “No, my son, you’re not.”

The drunk man tells the priests that he can prove it.

So he takes the two priests into the bar and the bartender says, “Jesus Christ. You’re back again?” 

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Aladdin has been banned from the magic carpet race. Apparently, he’s been using performance enhancing rugs. 

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One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to Heaven, where he meets the Lord.
The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable please let me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard-wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident. All of them go to heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.
The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run any more?"
The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.
The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"
The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"    

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Everyday when I come home from work I ask my dog how his day was. He always says the same thing. Rough.

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I was on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies…  Is this a trick question?

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My friend said, “My kid refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement?”   I said, “Cats. Cats love fish.”

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My wife asked me today if I had seen the dog bowl. I said no I didn’t know he could play cricket.

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 The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron… Which is ironic.

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I’m so irritated with my neighbour today, he kept playing Lionel Richie songs at full blast. Normally I wouldn’t mind. But it was All Night Long.

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Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up. I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

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It’s a shame nothing is built in Britain any more. I just bought a T.V. and it said, “Built in Antenna”. I don’t even know where that is!

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I was working in my shop when the cashier called me over. He said, “These two guys came in and tried to give me some fake £50 bills.”

“What did they look like?” I asked.

He said, “Just like £50 bills.”

 

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