That's my life

 

I don't know about you, but I've been rather tired lately. It's as if my batteries are running down and my get-up and go has got up and gone.

This morning my boss at work said, "This is the third time you've been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?"

I said, "It means today's Wednesday!"

As it happened, on my way to work I bumped into an old friend I had not seen for years. I thought he'd be happy to see me. But he kept going on about the damage I did to his car.

It all started going wrong as soon as I left home. My wife said, "Our neighbour always kisses his wife when he goes to work. Why don't you do that?"

I replied, "How can I? I don't even know her!"

My wife doesn't understand me. Or to be precise, I don't understand her ... or women in general.

The other day my wife asked me to pass her her lipstick; but I accidentally passed her a glue stick instead. She gave me the silent treatment.

My wife and I like to keep fit. Last week, as a surprise, I swapped the double bed in the bedroom for a trampoline. She hit the roof.

I joined an early morning "online" keep fit club. You switch on the TV and join in with everyone else to do your exercises. I got up early. leaving my wife in bed, and got downstairs to get changed out of my pyjamas and into a tight fitting pink leotard. It was quite a job trying to wriggle into that elasticated one-piece contraption several sizes too small. At one point my foot got stuck and I fell over backwards with my legs in the air.

I did not realise that the camera on the TV comes on automatically. The rest of the class said I was quite entertaining ... ... ... and fit!  

I then put some corn flakes in a bowl and watched the news on TV. They said that a midget fortune-teller had escaped from prison. The headline was, "Small medium at large".

This happened when a prison van, with him and other prisoners on board, had collided with a lorry full of mixed concrete. The police are looking for some hardened criminals.

In another crime related story, it was reported that a hole had been found in the local nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.

They then entered the premises and interviewed a number of people airing their differences. The police believed that the members were withholding evidence, but the nudists insisted they had nothing to hide.

They also interviewed another midget who could not keep his nose out of peoples' private business.