Thoughts from my bed

 

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that exercise is not for me. It's the tortoise life for me!

If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat, whereas a rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, but a tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.

Why should I exercise? I'll just sit here; just go around me.

As I got older I've discovered that I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

Funny that, I don't remember being absent-minded. Have I told you that I don't remember being absent-minded?

I often go up to the bathroom and then realise that I live in a one storey bungalow. 

I ask myself if all is not lost, where is it? In life, some days, you're the dog; some days you're the tree.

Do you know that kids in the back-seat cause accidents. Accidents in the back-seat cause kids.

I think it's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. These days the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.

The doctor told me to exercise and I'm fitter than him. He tripped whilst out jogging across the road and a car hit him. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. I can’t remember whether I’ve told you all this before.

Idle thoughts of use to you

 

• Reason for me to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. 
• One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 LBS.
• My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
• The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
• The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
• The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
• Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
• Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
• I gave up jogging for my health. A woman I know whilst out jogging her thighs kept rubbing together and setting her pantihose on fire.
• Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
• Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. Sometimes I go upstairs to the bathroom and forget I live in a one storey bungalow. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
• They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen you ... do it and die."
• The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)
• I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
• I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
• If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neck-ties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
• The best way to help an author is by leaving an AMAZON Review.
  
  
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Just wait a minute

 

There are so many things happening all at once and we are all being pressed to do this and that and the other thing that it is becoming increasingly difficult to keep on top of things and keep to a schedule. We all need to slow down, stop a little and relax.

For a while now I have been wanting to write a book on Procrastination but have been putting it off for another day. The book has been in the planning stage for a number of years now. I don't know ... maybe I have OCD in starting this book; but at least I have decided on the font I will use ... maybe ... perhaps.

Do you find there is too much news these days disturbing your train of thought? Or, if you can't afford a train then your pedestrian thoughts?

Almost every few minutes there's a breaking news headline that in reality does not affect me or you or anyone directly just as it happens. For example, just now at the bottom of the TV screen it said that a certain celebrity announced she is pregnant.

Big deal ... so what if she is pregnant. I don't even know who the celebrity is. Does it matter to me or any of her millions of would-be followers that she is pregnant? This is a matter for her and her close ones. Is it really a breaking news event?

I was on the bus the other day ... actually "in" the bus. If I was on it I'd fall off as it moves. The English language can be misleading at times. I need to write a book about that one day.

I was in the bus and noticed everyone was looking at their cell-phones and tapping and swiping left and right and whatever else. None were talking. Just tapping their fingers on those small screens. Even the elderly folks. One was obviously reading a book on some Kindle contraption. Every so often she licked her finger to turn the page on the screen.

I find technology disturbing. If my computer misbehaves I hit it hard on the side and call my techie friend to fix it. One of you, dear readers, wrote to me saying that no emails are coming through informing that I have posted a new post on my Blog. I did not know such a facility existed. There's a program which writes to readers saying "Vic has posted again". 

In this case the program did not work. I asked my techie to investigate. Apparently, my chair accidentally stood on one of my computer wires trailing on the floor and all the emails were clogged there unable to go through to my reader. As soon as he moved the chair my reader got told that I had posted seven posts recently.

This same techie suggested I have a new door bell which he had invented and made. Not only does it have a camera but it is voice activated. As soon as I approach the door, I say a certain phrase, the computer recognises my voice, and let's me in.

The other night, coming home late from the pub, the computer did not recognise my slurring insults and threats. I kicked the door and swore at it but it kept saying, "Please approach the microphone and speak clearly your appropriate security phrase." 

I don't think "***### ~~ ****" is the appropriate security phrase. Maybe I should change it to that.

The neighbours on either side did not hear me; probably not at home or asleep. The lady across the road noticed me from her window and came out in her night-dress carrying her cat. What is it with people carrying cats at this time of night?

Just as well. As she approached me the cat miaowed and the computer contraption opened my front door. 

I invited my neighbour in for a coffee but she declined saying she was not appropriately dressed. Now she noticed ... I tell you, her attire sobered me up.

Flights of fancy

Sometimes I take an idle flight of fancy into the realms of philosophy, psychology, or even horology, and imagine myself as more learned and educated than I really am. Whilst this may well fool some readers, it does not fool me into knowing that in reality I know less than I really know. 

Whilst I may well quote Marcel Proust, he who wrote "À la recherche du temps perdu", or René Descartes, he who said, "Cogito ergo sum", or indeed any other learned person from history it grieves me that not one of them ever saw fit to quote me, thus elevating my writings to the realms of the famous and erudite.

But be that as it may, I rest assured that my place in history was long predicted by my first year teacher who wrote in my annual progress report, "Victor will go down in history!" To which the Headmaster added, "also in Science, Geography, Mathematics and every other subject except day-dreaming."

But what is day-dreaming if not dreaming with eyes open? 

You can sit there, or anywhere, and imagine whatever you will and it is there. You can travel to far away places, or nearer ones to the local supermarket, and within an instant you are there. You don't need to pack up your cases, or get your passport and other documents, or prepare a shopping list if you're visiting your local shop. You imagine it, you day-dream it, and it's there. 

To dream the impossible dream ... To fight the unbeatable foe ... To bear with unbearable sorrow ... To run where the brave dare not go ...

But then I wake up from my day-dream and think; why? Why bother fighting the unbeatable foe? If he is unbeatable he will smash me into a pulp in no time. What's so clever about that? Why bear unbearable sorrow? Isn't there enough pain and misery in the world? Who wrote such lyrics which will no doubt end up badly? Is it not enough that life is a series of failures punctuated with disappointments?

 

No ... I have a different dream and vision. It's called realism. 

 

I think that sometimes life may seem like a dream; until you look down and realise you forgot to put on your pants. 

 

They say a good marriage is a dream ... until you wake up and apologise for what you have done in her dream! 

 

Let's be realistic here. As they say: as one door closes another one will open outwards and hit you in the face.

 

Time moves on and waits for no man. Have you ever sat in the car to go somewhere important and she's still deciding what dress to wear and whether it matches her shoes? 

What is it with women and shoes? Why so many? And what about their love for chocolates? I did not know what to buy my wife for her birthday so I bought her a pair of shoes made of chocolate.

 

It certainly saved time, and bought me some peace with the silent treatment. 

 

Time is of the essence. If I could save time in a bottle I'd probably drink it in one go. 

That's what horology is. The science or study of time; or making clocks and watches.

My grand-father was a horologist. When he died it took ages to wind up his estate.

Idle thoughts.

You’re going along fine with life and then a thought comes into your mind. You ignore it at first hoping it will go away. But it comes back. You get on with your life, your work and with what you were doing. The thought is still there. Niggling away at your mind. Distracting you to the point of irritation.

Sometimes I wish we could shake ourselves left and right just like a wet dog does and get rid of all our troubles and our unwanted thoughts.

But we can’t.

These thoughts come from nowhere and if we give them room in our minds they can slowly lead us astray from God.

We must learn to recognize them before they become hard to control. We need to be alert to their very first influences on our soul and readily turn them over to God.

For make no mistake about it; alone, we cannot overcome them.

Evil will introduce these thoughts when we least expect them or when we’re at our weakest. Tired maybe, or upset about something that’s just happened in our lives; whatever the occasion – as soon as we focus away from God, the devil will seize the opportunity to gain an advantage.

Turn your thoughts, whatever they are, to God always and seek His help.

The devil is a liar. John 8:44.

"Don't you see that nothing that enters a man from the outside can make him 'unclean'?” … He went on: "What comes out of a man is what makes him 'unclean.' For from within, out of men's hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly." Mark 7:18-22.