Thinking with my head

 

Those who run in front of cars get tired. Those who run behind cars get exhausted.

Those that stand on toilets are high on pot.

A man that keeps his feet firmly grounded… has trouble putting on his pants.

He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.

A man who sinks into a woman’s arms… will soon find his arms in her sink.

Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.

Those who jump off a cliff… jump to a conclusion.

It’s better to be without a book than to believe a book entirely.

Those who eat crackers in bed… will wake up feeling crummy.

A smile will gain you ten more years of life.

Those that get hit by a car… will get that run-down feeling.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song.

He who pees on an electric fence… will receive shocking news.

A man who cannot tolerate small misfortunes can never accomplish great things.

Those that sneeze without a hanky… take matter into their own hands.

Behave toward everyone as if receiving a guest.

Breaking wind in an elevator… is wrong on so many levels.

Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one.

The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second-best time is today.

The best time to visit The Christian Lounge is now and HERE 

A thoughtful post for winter

 

I WANT TO WRITE

A

THOUGHT-PROVOKING POST

FOR WINTER.

 

WHAT SHALL I WRITE ABOUT?

 THE LIFE CYCLE

AND

MATING HABITS

OF A COCKROACH?

THE ENVIRONMENTAL FOOTPRINT

OF BRITONS

IN THE MIDDLE AGES?

 OR

HOW TO GET A HIPPO

OUT OF YOUR TOILET?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

.

 

NOW

Flights of fancy

Sometimes I take an idle flight of fancy into the realms of philosophy, psychology, or even horology, and imagine myself as more learned and educated than I really am. Whilst this may well fool some readers, it does not fool me into knowing that in reality I know less than I really know. 

Whilst I may well quote Marcel Proust, he who wrote "À la recherche du temps perdu", or René Descartes, he who said, "Cogito ergo sum", or indeed any other learned person from history it grieves me that not one of them ever saw fit to quote me, thus elevating my writings to the realms of the famous and erudite.

But be that as it may, I rest assured that my place in history was long predicted by my first year teacher who wrote in my annual progress report, "Victor will go down in history!" To which the Headmaster added, "also in Science, Geography, Mathematics and every other subject except day-dreaming."

But what is day-dreaming if not dreaming with eyes open? 

You can sit there, or anywhere, and imagine whatever you will and it is there. You can travel to far away places, or nearer ones to the local supermarket, and within an instant you are there. You don't need to pack up your cases, or get your passport and other documents, or prepare a shopping list if you're visiting your local shop. You imagine it, you day-dream it, and it's there. 

To dream the impossible dream ... To fight the unbeatable foe ... To bear with unbearable sorrow ... To run where the brave dare not go ...

But then I wake up from my day-dream and think; why? Why bother fighting the unbeatable foe? If he is unbeatable he will smash me into a pulp in no time. What's so clever about that? Why bear unbearable sorrow? Isn't there enough pain and misery in the world? Who wrote such lyrics which will no doubt end up badly? Is it not enough that life is a series of failures punctuated with disappointments?

 

No ... I have a different dream and vision. It's called realism. 

 

I think that sometimes life may seem like a dream; until you look down and realise you forgot to put on your pants. 

 

They say a good marriage is a dream ... until you wake up and apologise for what you have done in her dream! 

 

Let's be realistic here. As they say: as one door closes another one will open outwards and hit you in the face.

 

Time moves on and waits for no man. Have you ever sat in the car to go somewhere important and she's still deciding what dress to wear and whether it matches her shoes? 

What is it with women and shoes? Why so many? And what about their love for chocolates? I did not know what to buy my wife for her birthday so I bought her a pair of shoes made of chocolate.

 

It certainly saved time, and bought me some peace with the silent treatment. 

 

Time is of the essence. If I could save time in a bottle I'd probably drink it in one go. 

That's what horology is. The science or study of time; or making clocks and watches.

My grand-father was a horologist. When he died it took ages to wind up his estate.

Can you think?

 

Continuing our series of posts about knowledge. So far we have discussed Art (Rodin's The Kiss), then History (Henry VIII and the Tudors), and Nutrition. Today it is Philosophy.

Now I know that some of you do not like the TV and Film series Star Trek. But please bear with me. This has nothing to do with Star Trek per se.

I have just watched an old episode where a discussion takes place as to whether Data, (an Android robot), is a living creature or not.

By way of background; Data is a robot created by a human scientist. He looks perfectly like a human and acts as a human in the most part. He has super strength, is capable of faster reactions, reading speeds, calculations and problem solving as well as limitless memory functions. Basically, he is far better than any human and does not need sleep or feeding.

The question is: Is he a machine or a living being?

The debate develops that to be a living being you need to have intelligence. Data certainly has that and can deduce an outcome by analysing and considering various variables.

Another measure to have life is to be sentient. Data is that too. He has developed friendships and is able to learn, and he appreciates a joke.

Also, to have life you need to be self-aware. And yet again, Data is that.

Let's now move away from Star Trek. My thoughts turned to animals.

They are living beings. No one can dispute that. They live. They die. And they reproduce. The three measures of life.

But what distinguishes them from us?

Are they intelligent? Some animals are very intelligent. This has been proved to various degrees.

Are they sentient? Again, I would say yes. Some animals do develop friendships with humans and can communicate their feelings in different situations. 

Are they self-aware? I struggle with this. Does a dog know that he exists? Or does he just act on instinct? Does he reason that by behaving in a certain way he will be treated accordingly? Is he aware that he is getting old? Do the goldfish in my pond realise that it is me feeding them every day? Do the birds think the same at my bird table? Does the squirrel laugh at me when he steals the seeds from the bird table? Does the spider care how often I clean his web from high up in the ceiling? Do animals plot and plan like we do?

This is a two-way, or more-ways, conversation. What do you think?

 I need a beer.

 Now that's intelligent, sentient and self-aware. Unless I have too many beers!!!

Think ... Plan Ahead

 

There was this magician whose magic trick was to pull a rabbit out of a hat. Only he didn't realise he was allergic to rabbits. As soon as he put his hand in the hat it swelled many times its original size. That was a magic trick in itself ... put hand in hat it comes out bigger than the whole man himself. The audience were horrified. It was worse when he touched his face and his head grew five times larger.

He tried the trick with different animals. The ferret bit his finger. The hamster jumped into his sleeve and would not get out. The Guinea pig bit him too.

He tried the trick with an elephant, but could not find a hat big enough. He used a blanket instead but the table broke under the weight of the elephant.

All this goes to prove the necessity of thinking and planning ahead.

A friend of mine used to like taking a walk in the country before going to bed. In order to be seen by cars at night he always wore white clothing. One snowy evening he got run over by a snow-plough!

And this goes to prove that you should alter your thinking depending on circumstances. 

For example, did you know that a recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it?

My friend Leonard for instance; his wife asked him "Do you think this swimming costume makes my bottom look big?"

He replied, "I do ..." and she sat on him!

He should have said, "There's more of you to love, my dear!" or some other lie. Instead he tried to be honest.

Which goes to prove that honesty is not always the best policy. So think on before you attempt to lie!

And if you're going to lie make sure you remember what you said. It's like having a photographic memory; but it will take time to develop. 

And remember, a man who will not lie to a woman has very little consideration for her feelings. Sometimes, it is cleverer to tell the truth outright.

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Later that evening the man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary."

She looked down at his shoes and said: "You're lying to me! You've been playing golf!"

Which also proves that you have to plan ahead, think and be inventive.

DISCLAIMER: The above article has been written for humourous purposes only, and is not intended to be taken seriously. Any similarities to people or situations in real life only goes to prove that you have been unfortunate to meet people who do not tell the truth. Unlike me; I have never told a lie in my life!!!

So, what do you think?

 

I'd certainly appreciate your views on a few matters which have been the subject of discussion in our household as of late. We don't go out much these days. In fact the trash bins go out more often than us. We make sure they're back indoors before 10:00pm though. But that's another story. 

As I was saying; we were discussing having a new pet at home since our last goldfish died and I had him grilled on toast. There were all sorts of suggestions. Another dog, or cat. A hamster perhaps, a Guinea pig, or similar furry creature. How about a rabbit or a tortoise like we had years ago before they escaped together and ran happily into the sunset. Or something unusual like a snake, or cockroaches, or stick insects. We could have a whole branch of stick insects.

I maintained that choosing a pet should be done with consideration and it should be according to one's environment and ability and wherewithal to look after it. For example, you would not have a giraffe in an apartment because it would be difficult getting it in the elevator.

Whilst the discussion ensued I went to my office and decided to do a jigsaw instead. I always loved jigsaw puzzles. I remember my very first one when I was a child consisted of two pieces. It was a picture of a donkey painted on two pieces. I had so much difficulty deciding how to put them together to complete the puzzle. I was only ten at the time.

By the way, did you know that jigsaw puzzles are not cut by a jigsaw? These days they paint the picture on cardboards and then a heavy mould with all the cutting shapes is pressed on the picture and cuts all the pieces. There is in fact a very limited number of different moulds. So you could in fact buy two separate puzzles and find that the shapes in both packs are similar because they've been cut by the same mould. Not many people know that!

If you have my kind of imagination you could complete both puzzles mixing pieces from both boxes and you get a complete mess in both pictures. Yet you've competed both puzzles.

I hate it when you leave a half-completed puzzle and someone else comes and moves the pieces for you. And puts pieces in a different place because they thought the cloud should be here rather than there; or whatever.

To stop them doing this I put a little glue on the back of each piece as I put it in place. The problem is we now have a 1000 pieces puzzle stuck on the dinner table and my wife is not happy.

Some companies on the internet will make a personal jigsaw puzzle for you. You send them a photo and they make you a jigsaw puzzle with your photo on it. Either 500 or 1000 pieces. Quite unique.

I sent them a photo of our dead goldfish before it was grilled and eaten. They also will print T shirts with a personal photo if you wish. I asked for that too.

We now have a T shirt stuck with glue on the back of the armchair. I got fed up with people moving it.

My wife is not happy. Again!

So, what do you think?