Much Ado About Pants

 

I was at a posh hotel preparing to give an important speech to a group of managers about our budget plans and future forecasts. I was the last speaker at the Conference as everyone was ready to leave.

I was in my hotel room getting dressed in my best suit ready to face my audience. As I put my leg in the trousers my foot somehow caught the inner turn-up of the trousers and tore into the stitching. The trousers were not torn but obviously with the turn-ups loose one trouser leg was now much longer than the other.

How can I fix it in such a short time? 

 

Needle and thread … that’s what I need. What’s the use? I wouldn’t know what to do if I had any anyway.

What else can I use? Pins … must find some pins … there aren’t any anywhere.

How about paper clips? I have some in my briefcase … no … they don’t hold the turn-ups very well. 

What if I use the sticky-tape to tape the turn-up back in place? It doesn’t hold very well. It falls down again. 

Aha … my stapler!!! I can staple the turn up back in place.

I raise my foot on the chair and click … click … click … click … a few staples later and the turn-ups are back in place. 

I go to the basin to wash my hands.

As I open the faucet the water rushes into the basin, swivels round at speed, and splashes all over the front of my trousers with embarrassing results.

I can hardly stand in front of all these people giving the impression that I have been caught short? 

I try desperately to dry the trousers with a towel but the large stain on my front is still clearly visible.

Even if I button up my jacket the wet stain is still there for all to notice.

Aha … I remember seeing a hair-dryer in one of the drawers.

Plug it in … stand in front of the mirror and blow hot air on the stain. Hopefully it will dry quickly and in time for me to go and give my speech.

Wow … this hair-dryer is hot!!!

And noisy too!!!

So noisy that I did not hear the hotel maid knocking at the door and entering the room.

She is standing there behind me watching as I get forever hotter. One can only imagine what she’s thinking.

“Eh … my trousers …” I mumble, “they’re wet … I’m trying to dry them … I got them wet with water … from the basin …” 

 

“I understand Sir,” she replies with a smile, “have you tried the trouser-press? If you fold the trousers in here the heat will soon dry the … water.”

I did not like the pause before she said “water”. She’s got the situation all wrong.

She pulls out the trouser-press from its compartment and switches it on. “It is ready now Sir!” she says with a smile.

“Eh … I think it is better if you now leave,” I mumble again, “I’ll take it from here!”

“Of course Sir!” she smiles broadly as she leaves the room.

I try to take the trousers off in a hurry … drat … why is this stupid trouser leg stuck? 

 

I nearly tripped standing on one leg and fell back on the bed … drat and double drat … the leg turn-up is stapled to my sock … 

 

How did I staple the trousers to the sock whilst I’m still wearing it? Would you believe it? 

Too late to untangle it! I took off the trousers and sock and put them in the trouser press.

Whilst standing there another maid comes in without knocking to clean the room.

 

"Sorry Sir, I thought you had already checked out of the hotel!" she says as she leaves. 

I open the press and put the trousers back on in a hurry … GEEEEEEE … that is HOT!!!!!

I hop from foot to foot wandering whether I have done myself a mischief.

Later that afternoon whilst I was checking out at the hotel reception with my boss the chambermaid passes by and asks me “Did your trousers dry OK Sir?”

My boss looks at me with raised eyebrows and says nothing.

 

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THE CHRISTIAN LOUNGE

 

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Three Facts for Stubborn Minds

 

FACT 1    Heaven exists. Why? Because Jesus said so.

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.” John 14:1-14

The alternative would be to call Jesus a liar.

FACT 2    God's invitation to Heaven is for everyone. It is a FREE invitation. We do not have to work to go to Heaven. We do not go to Heaven through our own good deeds or good words. All we have to do is believe in God, obey and love Him, and believe that Jesus is His only Son who died for us.

"Not everyone who calls me 'Lord, Lord' will enter the Kingdom of Heaven, but only those who do what my Father in Heaven wants them to do." Matthew 7:21.   

"I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." John 14:6

FACT 3     Some people do not believe in God. But they believe they are good people and eventually they'll get to Heaven. They wish they will get there some day.

This is faulty thinking. Heaven is not a world-class hotel where we go to live in luxury. We go to Heaven to be with Someone - God our Creator who longs for us to join Him for eternity.

If you do not believe in God you can hardly be in Heaven with someone you do not believe in. 

Also, you cannot "wish" your way to Heaven. 

And another thought: No one goes to Heaven against their will. No one is forced there. If you do not believe in God you have automatically excluded yourself from His invitation.

AMAZON LINK HERE

A banana stole my bicycle

In town there is a pedestrianised street to allow people to shop and sight-see away from any vehicles and cycles. There are bollards at either end of the street to stop any vehicles from entering and signs asking cyclists to dismount whilst going through.

I leant my bicycle against one of those bollards and walked six feet or so towards the newspaper kiosk to buy a paper.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a banana appeared, rode my bike and cycled at speed up the pedestrianised street.

I chased after it to the shouts of the paper vendor screaming: "Hey ... come back ... you haven't paid for your paper!"

The vendor's assistant got out of the kiosk and chased after me.

There we were ... banana on a bicycle chased by me being chased by the paper assistant. At one stage I believe a small dog got away from its owner and chased after us too barking like mad.

The shoppers moved aside like the parting of the Red Sea for Moses and let us run down the middle of the street. What a sight it was ... chasing a banana on a bicycle!

I suspect the public thought it was some "flash mob" type stunt; so they stopped to see what would happen next. At the time I was wearing my usual green cowboy hat with a feather on the side, turquoise shirt and red tartan trousers. I heard someone say: "It's a Candid Camera stunt! Look how this idiot is dressed!"

I could have stopped and took umbrage at being called an idiot; but my desire to recover my bicycle exceeded my taking offence at the insult. So I kept running as fast as my little legs and rotund figure could manage.

I nearly caught up with the cycling banana and at one stage almost caught him ... her ... it ... What gender is a banana anyway? But it was too slippery and gave me the slip.

Eventually I ran out of stamina or energy or whatever it is people run out of when they can run no more. I stopped; huffing and puffing and struggling for breath.

The paper boy caught up with me and started arguing. A policeman appeared out of nowhere. I tried to explain that a banana stole my bicycle. The policeman asked me if I'd been drinking and why I was dressed as a clown. The paper boy accused me of stealing a newspaper, which technically was correct, although there were proper extenuating circumstances.

As we were all talking at the same time and no one was listening there was a voice over a loudspeaker booming "Cut ... cut ..."

We looked round and there was a small crowd of people with cameras, lights, microphones and all the paraphernalia used when shooting a film. The public watching all this suddenly started applauding and whistling their appreciation.

Apparently, some film crew were making a short TV commercial for a new fruit shop which opens shortly in town. The banana man was meant to pick up a bike from the bollard point and cycle up the street to introduce the advert. He inadvertently took my cycle by mistake, and my chasing after him ruined the whole shoot.

I paid the paper boy and got my bicycle back.

The icing on the un-wanted cake was when a small group of people asked me for my autograph thinking I was part of the whole ridiculous show.

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At the Doctor's

 

I had to go to the Doctor's a few days ago. He was not well, and our Saint Vincent Group in Church encourages us to visit the sick; so I had to go.

I waited in his waiting room and shared germs with all the other people there.

Whilst waiting there I saw an old man standing in the corner. No one offered him a seat. He was almost bent double with the weight of his years pressing on his shoulders. He stood looking down at his feet and steadying himself on his walking stick which he used to keep his balance. I was about to ask the nun sitting next to him to give up her seat, when the man's name was called over the loud-speaker.

He walked slowly, still bent down like the hunchback of Notre Dame, and shuffled his way out of the room and into the doctor's insulting room.

Moments later he came back standing upright and walking much happier with a step in his stride. Everyone was amazed at his recovery. It's a miracle; some said. But he explained, "No, it's not a miracle; the doctor gave me a longer walking stick!"

It was the nun's turn to go and see the doctor. Ten minutes later she came out of the insulting room crying her heart out. The other patients tried to comfort her. I was concerned in case she'd heard some terrible health news. Before I spoke to her my name was called on the loudspeaker.

I asked the doctor why the nun came out crying. He said he'd told her she was pregnant. I asked him, "Is she really pregnant?" He replied, "No ... but it cured her hiccups!"

Before I sat down I noticed a pen on the floor. I picked it up and handed it to the doctor. "Is this yours?" I asked.

He scribbled something on his pad and then said, "Yep .... it's definitely mine!"

"How can you be so sure?" I asked, "It seems like an ordinary pen to me!"

"It's certainly my handwriting," he replied, "anyway ... how are you?" he asked, "I have not seen you for a while!"

"Oh ... I've not been well!" I said.

"But you must come and see me when you're not well," he said, "That's what doctors are for!"

"I didn't want to disturb you, doctor," I explained, "besides, I hear you've not been well yourself. That's why I'm here. The Saint Vincent people in church sent me to come and visit you. How are you?"

"He looked down as he sat there and said, "To be honest, my legs hurt. I think I've got water on my knees!"

"You're probably not aiming straight," I told him, "why not do it sitting down?"

"Also ..." he continued whispering, "my libido has gone!"

"Oh ... I got rid of my Italian car too," I said, "I now drive a Toyota!"

"Ever since it happened I feel hungry all the time," he went on.

I felt really sorry for him. I reached into my pocket, and gave him the solitary KFC leg I always have there for emergencies, and left without saying a word.

It's always charitable to visit the sick. Make sure you have some food in your pocket when you go!

NOW VISIT THE CHRISTIAN LOUNGE HERE 

Thinking with my head

 

Those who run in front of cars get tired. Those who run behind cars get exhausted.

Those that stand on toilets are high on pot.

A man that keeps his feet firmly grounded… has trouble putting on his pants.

He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.

A man who sinks into a woman’s arms… will soon find his arms in her sink.

Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.

Those who jump off a cliff… jump to a conclusion.

It’s better to be without a book than to believe a book entirely.

Those who eat crackers in bed… will wake up feeling crummy.

A smile will gain you ten more years of life.

Those that get hit by a car… will get that run-down feeling.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song.

He who pees on an electric fence… will receive shocking news.

A man who cannot tolerate small misfortunes can never accomplish great things.

Those that sneeze without a hanky… take matter into their own hands.

Behave toward everyone as if receiving a guest.

Breaking wind in an elevator… is wrong on so many levels.

Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one.

The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second-best time is today.

The best time to visit The Christian Lounge is now and HERE 

A true turkey tale

 

This truly happened. Over Christmas I was driving on the motorway at about 70 miles an hour - our speed limit. There was no one else on the road.

I looked in the rear view mirror and saw a turkey running behind me. I was surprised and sped a bit more, but the turkey did not give up. He kept running behind me. 

I went up to 75mph and he was still there. On to 80mph and he was still behind me. I slowed down to 70mph and he overtook me.

I could see him speeding ahead like a demented chicken; but it was a turkey. I followed him down the motorway.

He pulled out his left wing and turned left at speed. I chased after him.

He kept running, then pulled out his right wing and turned right into a farm yard.

I followed him and put the brakes hard so as not to hit him. He stood there, looked at me, and then walked off.

That's when I noticed he had three legs.

As I got out the car a farmer came out of the barn and said, "I be farmer McDonald, what do ye want?"

"That turkey there has three legs!" I said.

"That's right," the farmer replied, "I breed them. Got plenty of them!"

"How come?" I asked.

"Well for Christmas I like a turkey leg, my wife likes a turkey leg, and our son likes a turkey leg. So I bred this new breed called Tripod!" he explained.

"What do they taste like?" I asked.

"Dunno! Never caught one yet!" he shrugged.

PLEASE VISIT THE CHRISTIAN LOUNGE HERE 

Does God look human?

 

PLEASE CLICK HERE 

Calling all friends

 

Hi everybody,

Let us welcome the New Year with a new venture we can all take part in. However small or big our contribution is.

Do you remember last November I suggested we create a new Blog/Website dedicated solely to Christian articles? 

The idea is that each of us would contribute one article every now and then relating our Christian journey, experience, or any subject we'd like to talk about regarding our faith and beliefs. 

The Blog/Website would be non-denominational. 

Here's a link to last November's post to refresh your memories: PLEASE CLICK HERE.

FAQs

 Can anyone submit articles?

Yes, all that is required is a short article encouraging people to learn more about God and His love for us.

What can we write about?

Anything; your journey into Christianity for instance. Or Faith, Trust, Beliefs, Worries, Fears, Sin, Forgiveness, Marriage, Divorce, Heaven, Hell ... the list is endless. Just write a short article of about 500 words maximum and send it to enquiries@holyvisions.co.uk We'll do the rest.

Do I have to be a member of Blogger?

No. You do not have to be a member of anything. You can visit the website when it is launched and comment as a Blogger member or anonymously if you wish. You can also see what others have said about your article and respond if you wish.

What is the commitment on my part?   

Nothing onerous. Just send in one article if you wish and that's it. Or send more articles - say monthly. Also visit the site and read other entries and comment if you wish.

You can ask others to send articles through you - like your Pastor, or friend or relative.

Also you can promote the site on your social media outlets like FB, X, Instagram and so on to encourage others to join in.  

How much does it cost to join in - to cover your expenses, labour costs etc...?

It costs nothing to join. We do not need any money. It is free.  

What's the next step?

Just register your interest at enquiries@holyvisions.co.uk and give us an email address where we can reach you back. 

We'll do the rest. We will publish the article on the Blog/Website with the contributor's name and we'll add a suitable photo/image; unless you wish to send your own photo.

REMEMBER -  You do NOT have to commit to any number of articles. 

Articles which have already appeared on your Blogs or social media would also be welcome as long as they are genuinely yours.

Here's a link to the website if you want to see what it looks like: CLICK HERE 

Come and join this great adventure of spreading God's Word together as a community in order to honour and serve Him.  

Thank you and God bless.

How was it for you?

 

Hello again my friends. I hope you had a happy joyful Christmas with plenty of fun and hilarity and whatever else you wished for.

We had a wonderful time with the family. 

It really is good to have the family visiting again eating our food, and guzzling our drinks and trampling everywhere with children running wild and disturbing my peace whilst watching "It's a Wonderful Life" on TV. 

And whilst I'm on the subject; could I record a plea to all TV Channels everywhere not to broadcast this film half way through the story. 

Over the years, I must have seen this film a dozen times and it is always almost half-way through when the angel shows James Stewart what the world would be like if he had not existed. I don't know what the storyline is all about. All I know is that this fellow wanted to kill himself. Perhaps he had the family come round for Christmas and disturb his peace.

Seriously, I really love my family. If it was not for them I would be arguing with complete strangers. 

This year we invited Uncle Pinhead. We call him that because his head is too small in proportion to his body. He doesn't say much. He sat by the fire whistling quietly to himself. 

"Would you like a drink Uncle?" "No thanks!" he replied. "How about some turkey, roast potatoes and other goodies?" "No thanks!" he repeated. "A piece of cake then?" "No thanks!" he smiled and continued whistling tunelessly. So I gave him a few bird seeds to keep him quiet.

Auntie Carty Ledge was also there knitting as usual. I said, "That's a nice violet colour you are knitting." "It's not violet," she corrected, "it's mauve! My Dad invented the colour mauve," she added. "My Mom was buying a dress and she said it's a nice colour, what's it called? Dad was in a hurry to get home so he said, come along woman ... move! Mom said, mauve is a lovely colour and bought the dress!"

She told me she was knitting underwear for the whole family. Can you imagine? Underpants made of knitted wool? I hope mine are not mauve!

Uncle Ivor Rowbottom was there too. He's such a mean and avaricious man. Years ago he told his children that Santa had met with an accident and would not be bringing toys that year. Fortunately, his wife had bought the kids many presents. 

One good thing about having the family around for Christmas is that you do not have those awkward "break-the-ice" moments when you talk inanely about the weather. You can just pick up the argument straight-away from where you left off the last time you met.

Families help you reminisce on old times. You may not remember what you had for breakfast but I bet you remember every detail of ten years ago when you met your cousin Cynthia Carbuncle at your sister's wedding and she made a sarcastic comment about your dress and the fact that you'd put on some weight. 

Should the both of you be fortunate enough to meet up one day in Heaven, you'll remind her of her comment that day. You'll repeat her every word in all details.

With the family around you have to refine your acting skills. You "Oooooh!" and "Wow!" every time you open a present and discover it's another pair of socks or woolly hat that some demented relative has knitted for you. 

There's no way I'll be seen in public in this stupid woolly hat with a pom pom on top. 

Why is it that when we have finished the meal and we sit down in front of the TV everyone talks throughout the program? 

TVs are made for watching in silence. 

Invariably someone would say something inane like, "Doesn't this actor look like George Snotgrass? Remember him? He was expelled from school for farting in class!" 

And to make matters worse, as we finally settled to watch the football there was a knock at the door. It was a friend of ours with her five kids. 

My wife welcomed them in (Why?) and said, "What did Santa get you for Christmas?" 

"A drum, a trumpet, a flute, a clarinet, a tambourine!"

"Really? You should have brought them with you!"

"We have !!!" 

All in all, Christmas is a time for family and friends, good food and drinks, and feigning good humour and happiness that we are together once again.

I would not have it any other way!

DISCLAIMER - This article was written for entertainment value only. Members of my family should in no way take it seriously. I really love having you around. But please; no more socks and woolly hats! Or underwear.

Flushed with success

 

Well the New Year did not exactly start with a flush of success. We had people round for New Year's Eve and most used the downstairs bathroom. I don't like visitors using our upstairs bathroom and play with my toy duck!

After First Footing we all gathered round the fire and sang Auld Lang Syne.

First Footing is a Scottish tradition that just after midnight on New Year’s Eve the first person to enter a house would bring good fortune for the coming year. 

The "first footer" is often a stranger, (neighbour or friend), who would bring with him some coin which represents financial stability, some bread for food throughout the year, salt to represent flavour, a piece coal for warmth and a drink, usually whisky, for good cheer.

Sometimes a member of the household, usually a male, would leave the house just before midnight, and then knock at the door and enter after midnight bearing the said gifts. 

As we sat down to eat and drink, the first footer came to me and whispered, "just been to your toilet old boy ... it's blocked!"

I went to the toilet and there, inside the toilet seat, was the biggest hippopotamus you ever did see.

At first I was afraid ... 

I was petrified! 

Kept thinking I could never live ... 

With a hippo by my side.

I didn't know whether to call a plumber or Pest Control.

I was concerned it might bite people where they don't want to be bitten. Can you imagine the Insurance Claim: "I was bit on the backside by a hippo in the toilet!"

I stepped back and said "Shoo ... shoo ..." like you would a cat or other creature. But he did not move. His head was sticking out of the toilet bowl and he stayed there looking at me.

I picked up the toilet brush, which in our poor household consists of a hedgehog tied to a stick of wood. 

I tried to push the hippo back with the brush; but the hedgehog did not like it one bit. He untied himself from the stick and said he'd resign from this **** job.

I pushed the hippo with the stick. He just picked up the stick in my hand and threw it back at me.

I phoned the Pest Control people. They arrived within the hour. The man searched in his book about various pests and vermin but could not find anything about hippos.

I asked him how could a hippo just appear in our toilet from nowhere. He said that he was probably holidaying over here and took the wrong turning by mistake. He must have come in through the window and wanted to cool off in the water.

The plumber called about an hour later but would not do any work until the Pest Control man got rid of the hippo.

I called the Animals Welfare people. They care for animals. They turned up and said they'll supervise to see that the hippo is removed humanely and with consideration.

All in all, none would volunteer to remove the hippo from our toilet. 

As you can tell. I am having difficulties ending this story which still leaves me with a hippo in the bathroom downstairs.

Any suggestions or comments would be greatly appreciated. Thanx.

HOPPY GNU EAR

 

HOPPY GNU EAR TO ALL OUR READERS

 

AND THIS IS

THE FINAL FRONT EAR  

 

Let us welcome 2026 - may it be better than last year and may all our readers be blessed.

Traditionally this is the time to make new resolutions for the year ahead. Ideally, these should be targeted, achievable, and measurable. 

 

Targeted - because they address a particular cause or issue you wish to address.

 

Achievable - because there's no point in having a resolution you cannot keep. Like, by the end of the year I'll be an astronaut. Forget it ... it won't happen!

 

Measurable - because you can tell how you're progressing and to ensure you don't give up.

 

For this year, my New Year's resolution is to carry a potato or two in my pockets at all time.  

Targeted - Because potatoes have eyes but they cannot see. Those little white buds from a potato are the beginning of new growth. They are called eyes. But they don't look at you and judge you and reprimand you when you do wrong. They are a reminder that we too should not judge others. In a potato the eyes are the beginning of new shoots/roots - new growth. Another reminder that we too should grow everyday in wisdom as well as in humour.

Achievable - Easy, potatoes are cheap and fit well in one's trouser pockets. 

 

Measurable - The potatoes are either there or not! 

 

My Resolution last year (2025) was to learn to play the harmonica ...

... just for YOU.

 

A SUGGESTED RESOLUTION FOR YOU  

Mary's Boy Child

 

BONEY M - 1978 

MAY GOD BLESS ALL VISITORS TO THIS BLOG

 

Thank you dear friends

 

Vic M

A Christmas Message

 

Dear friends,

Let us first of all thank the Lord for yet another year together. I am truly grateful to all of you who have visited me here whether you left a comment or not. Over the past year, and before that even, we have exchanged news, shared jokes and have come together in prayers and friendship. For this I thank you.

I pray that you all have a very blessed Christmas with family and friends or even if you are alone; and may our Lord be always by your side giving you comfort, protection and love at all times.

God bless you all.

 

 

I watch the sunrise

 

.

 

FATHER FRANCIS MAPLE

 

His website link 

I watch the sunrise lighting the sky,
Casting its shadows near.
And on this morning bright though it be,
I feel those shadows near me.

 

But you are always close to me
Following all my ways.
May I be always close to you
Following all your ways, Lord.

 

I watch the sunlight shine through the clouds,
Warming the earth below.
And at the mid-day, life seems to say:
I feel your brightness near me.

 

For you are always close to me
Following all my ways.
May I be always close to you
Following all your ways, Lord.

 

I watch the sunset fading away,
Lighting the clouds with sleep.
And as the evening closes its eyes,
I feel your presence near me.

 

For you are always close to me
Following all my ways.
May I be always close to you
Following all your ways, Lord.

 

I watch the moonlight guarding the night,
Waiting till morning comes.
The air is silent, earth is at rest
Only your peace is near me.

 

Yes, you are always close to me
Following all my ways.
May I be always close to you
Following all your ways, Lord.

 

 May I be always close to you
Following all your ways, Lord.

Poker Faced Dog

 

I have taught our dog to play poker. I'll give him that; he can keep a straight face. 

We don't play for money. Just dog biscuits.

To be honest, he is a useless player. Whenever he has a good hand of cards he wags his tail enthusiastically.

 For the past week I've been eating dog biscuits.