Wednesday 25 March 2020

Do Not Read This

WARNING

This post contains scenes of a sexual nature. 
Please do not read if you are easily offended.

Now read on ...

I think pigeons are stupid. When I lived in London years ago I was visiting an elderly friend who needed some help in her garden.  I went out in the garden with my ladder; you know, the one that opens like the letter A. I planned to get a little higher up a tree and pick some plums for her.

Two pigeons flew by and landed on the fence separating her garden from the neighbours. I stood still so as not to disturb them. One of them flew to the other fence; followed by the other a few seconds afterwards. Then the first one flew on the ground; followed by the other. Up on the fence; followed by the other. It walked up and down the fence; followed by the other.

It was obvious the follower, the male, wanted to get acquainted and buy her a coffee. She did not seem interested. Or did she?

He used all the old time-tried chat-up lines, "What is a nice lady like you doing in a garden like this?"

I was offended at the disparaging remark about this old lady's garden. But I waited and said nothing.

He then said, "Heaven must be missing an angel. 'Cause you're here with me right now."

I thought, "Really? This is an old 1976 song by Tavares which I used to play on the radio! Can't you think of something more modern?"

He ignored me and continued talking amorously to the uninterested female pigeon.

This reminded me of my chat-up lines when I was young.

"Hey up! Would ye like a Big Mac and a milkshake?"

She said no! I replied, "I only asked because I want to go to the toilet. They have one at McDonald's!"

Do you remember any chat-up lines from when you were courting? Share them with us.

Anyway, the two pigeons took their love-making to the next level; which I will not describe.

I just said, "Oh ... get a room!"

I did not realise that my voice carried, because from the other side of the fence a female voice said, "I didn't realise you can see us. Where are you?"

I couldn't run away. She'd heard me. I sheepishly climbed up the ladder and there, with her boy friend, she was doing on the trampoline what you are imagining now.

"Hi," she said, "it's more exciting when there's a risk of being found out!"

I nodded and waved my hand and got off the ladder.

So there you have it. Plenty for you to comment on and have a discussion.

Pigeons.

Chat-up lines.

Trampolines.

Anything else on your mind ...

24 comments:

  1. its a great day today! I'm going to go for bike ride this afternoon. Supposed to be close to 60. How's that for avoiding the subject?

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    1. You did well in avoiding the subject, Bill. I just got off the ladder and said nothing.

      God bless.

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  2. Maybe they should have had one of those bouncy castles instead of a trampoline. :)

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    1. Great idea, Bill. That would have been fun.

      God bless, my friend.

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  3. Reminded me of an old Cole Porter song. I can't think of the title at this senior moment but these words " birds do it, bees do it"...if he were still alive he could have added "even people on trampolines do it" of course Mr. Porter was speaking of love.

    BTW...I didn't read your post :)

    God's Blessings Victor 💮

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    1. The song is called "Let's Do It" and Cole Porter recorded it in 1964 I believe. There was an earlier version in 1953 by Ertha Kitt. And you're right ... they should have sung "even people on trampolines do it."

      Keep smiling, Jan. God bless you always.

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  4. Pretty stale chat up lines, or pick up lines, as we say here in the States. But then again, it's coming from pigeons! Thanks for the chuckle today, Victor! Blessings!

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    1. At least my chat-up line was honest at the time, Martha. I did want to go to the toilet.

      Wishing you happy chuckles. God bless you and yours.

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  5. Giggling! Yes, I certainly recall "Let's Do It." Except, instead of singing, "educated fleas do it" mine came out, "constipated bees do it."

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    1. Constipated bees? Is that the difference between clear runny honey and the set more solid honey?

      Sorry ... this is in bad taste. Sorry, Mevely. My mind is running all over the place. Running ... not set!

      Let's keep smiling. God bless.

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  6. Pigeon are indeed a stupid bird. I watch them try and eat a piece of bread and don;t know why they won't just step on it instead of flinging it about and only having a crumb.

    As to pick up lines mine were not so good. I lived through the sexual revolution and never fired a shot.

    Fun post as always, keep them coming, I need the entertainment.

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    1. Thank you for your encouragement, JoeH. I much appreciate your support and straight talking. I will try my best in these difficult times to write something that would bring a smile to my readers. Also, every now and then, A Christian post to bring hope and to allay any fears which we all have.

      Life is difficult, JoeH. And we all need each other and to pray for each other. Praying for you and yours.

      God bless.

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    2. Back at you with the prayers!

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    3. Thank you so much my friend for much needed prayers.

      God bless, JoeH.

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  7. Well, she certainly had an interesting attitude. Getting off the ladder was about all you could do at that point, i am glad you didn't fall off with surprise when she spoke to you.

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    1. I must admit her attitude and nonchalant way surprised me. I got off the ladder as quickly as I could and frightened the pigeons.

      God bless.

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  8. Too funny! I'm glad you didn't fall off that ladder. So pick-up lines--"I'm 19. Do you want to go to a movie with me?" I had to invite my husband because he thought I was 12 and would not make the first move. My 12-yr-old cousin chaperoned, sitting in the middle, when we watched Wrath of Khan :)

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    1. That's a good pick-up line Vijaya. So glad it worked for you.

      I wonder what modern day pick-up lines are.

      God bless.

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  9. Didn't have time to comment yesterday...life is getting busy getting ready for Don's upcoming surgery. But I did enjoy and laughed a lot at your fun and spicy story. We had paper thin walls in our first apartment, and knew more about our neighbors than I'm sure they cared to share.....no details..haha

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    1. Praying for you and Don, Wanda. Trust in God always.

      I remember in one of my earliest apartments the walls were very thin too. On day I opened the oven and my neighbour was helping himself to a turkey leg.

      God bless.

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  10. Pigeons. Remind me of my cousin. When he was little his grandpa (mother's father) fixed dinner for him and his sister. A little chicken. On the way home, his sister told him the little chicken was really a pigeon (it was). He, my cousin not the pigeon, threw up all over the back seat of the car. I think I will go tease him about this. Thanks for the memory😺

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    1. Great story, CJ; with a warning not to tell it as it is when in the car. In olden days people used to eat pigeons as cheap meat in the UK. Even made pigeon pies.

      God bless.

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  11. I don't mind pigeons too much …
    In fact I spent several minutes this morning looking out from the window at beautiful Spring flowers and a pigeon sitting quietly on the grass. Sometimes in these rather uncertain times a scene like that is soothing.

    Hope you enjoy your day Victor.

    All the best Jan

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    1. I often look out the window and watch sparrows, robins, blue tits, blackbirds and many pigeons visiting the feeding table. The pigeons can be quite greedy. So I go out and put some more food out there. Luckily, no squirrels.

      God bless you and yours, Jan.

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