Tuesday 24 March 2020

It's all in my thoughts, really.

I was thinking the other day ... which came first? The chicken or the egg? So I ordered both from AMAZON. I'll let you know when they arrive.

It's like asking, why did the chicken cross the road? Who cares. Probably to go to the KFC restaurant.

Why do people think up stupid sayings and somehow they catch on and everyone is repeating them?

Like for instance, they say an elephant never forgets. Well, that's not true. I have never received a birthday card from an elephant. You'd have thought at least one of them would remember.

Personally, I have a memory of an elephant. I remember years ago I went to London Zoo and saw an elephant. What a memory that was!

What is the point really of going to a zoo? I think zoos should only have five animals. The rest are a total unnecessary waste. Children go to zoos to see the lion, the tiger, the elephant, the giraffe and of course the monkeys. The rest are not important.

Who really cares about going to the zoo and seeing a tortoise? Or a frog? Or snakes? Or a hyena? Or a snail?

Which reminds me. A hyena in the forest meets some monkeys and asks for their help. Apparently, every so often a lion attacks it and beats it black and blue. The monkeys agree to help. A little later the lion attacks the hyena in a ferocious fight. The monkeys all climb up a tree and watch.

Eventually, the lion has had enough fun and walks away, leaving the hyena torn to pieces.

"Why did you not help me?" the hyena asks the monkeys.

They replied, "You were laughing so much we thought you were enjoying it!"

As for the snail. One day as I was going to work I noticed a snail on my doorstep. I nearly trod on it and killed it. To save it from a mishap I picked it up and threw it in a bush some three feet away out of harm's way.

A week later the doorbell rang. I opened the door and the snail said, "What was all that about, throwing me in the bush?"

Did you know that if a snail climbed up your leg it would be three days before you're surprised?

Talking of going to work; I tell you what caught my eye the other day. A short man with an umbrella. Why can't people be careful when opening their umbrellas?

I walked passed a Coffee Bar. Not many people there. Did you know that coffee is not everyone's cup of tea?

I called on the doctor and told him my eye hurts every time I drink tea. He said, "Take the spoon out of the cup first!"

I then went by a furniture store. They had beds and mattresses on a sale of 25% off. I bought a memory mattress. Now it is trying to blackmail me!

Did you know that 13% of babies are conceived in an IKEA bed? Surprising since those stores are usually well lit.

At the same Department Store I tried to buy a lovely negligent for my wife. I asked the sales lady, "Is this satin?"

"No," she said, "it is brand new!" (Think about this one. I did not understand it when I first thought of it).

Further on down the road there was a glazier fixing a broken shop window. My uncle was a glazier. One day he changed all the glass in an office block. Then he realized he had a crack in his spectacles.

As I walked through the park a loose dog bit my leg. It's owner said to me, "It's karma!"

"No," I said, "he seems much angrier now!"

When I got to work I discovered my secretary totally distraught because her cat had died. So I went to the pet shop and bought her an identical cat. Now she has two dead cats.

Talking of which, I have been going to a grief counsellor for the past month. He taught me all about dealing with grief. He was very good. He died this morning and I did not care one bit.

(Sorry ... in bad taste. I'm struggling here to get a smile from you!)

I lived in a very rough district when I was young. If you were a stranger and you were lost the people would give you directions and then follow you in the park to mug you.

Many of my friends had a difficult up-bringing with uncaring parents. Fred for instance. He did not know what it's like to be wanted until he saw his picture on a police notice board.

My parents used to make me walk the plank. We did not have a dog.

People were very poor then. They bought a lot of things on loan and paid a little every week including extortionate interest. They borrowed from loan sharks.

I remember a family who borrowed money to bury their Nan when she died. On the second week they could not afford to pay.

The loan shark said, "You'd better pay up or up she comes!"

I think that's enough for now, before you start throwing rotten tomatoes.

32 comments:

  1. It took me to the grief counselor for me to get the satin joke.

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    1. I didn't get that joke until I got the negligent home.

      God bless, JoeH.

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  2. Some of these were pure classics. Some well... you get the picture. I'd hate to see the two of us together. We would be feeding off each other. I'd lose cause I'm taller and have more meat.

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    1. Thanx Bill. I think we need some humour in these difficult times. This is mainly a Christian blog, but every so often I add something to make my readers smile.

      Do you think God has a sense of humour? I'm in real trouble if he hasn't.

      God bless.

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    2. Guarantee! He made me after all.

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    3. I'm so glad, Bill. I hope God likes my jokes.

      God bless.

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  3. Thanks for the laughs this morning!

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    1. You are welcome, Ryan. Share this blog and laughter with others.

      God bless.

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  4. Thanks for the smile. Here's one for you. I knew a man with a wood leg named Smith. What was the name of his other leg? 😺

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    1. Good one, CJ. I like it. Let's keep smiling together.

      God bless.

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  5. Thank you Victor!
    This was like reading the Sunday funny's but in black and white and without newspaper ink getting all over my hands.

    Stay Healthy 💮

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  6. Funny sayings are fun to read. Thank you, Victor!
    Stay safe and healthy, my friend!

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    1. Thank you, Bill. Let's keep smiling together.

      God bless.

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  7. I just got done watching the Governor of New York who literally brought me to tears. (I wish he would run for President.) So, I needed a laugh. The cracked spectacle got me. Thanks so much, Victor! Have a joyous day!

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    1. I think many of us are going through life with cracked spectacles right now.

      God bless, Diane.

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  8. Yes, God does have a sense of humor, Victor, of that I'm sure and certain! And yes, we all need a good laugh, especially in these recent days. Thanks for always making me smile (and I loved the satin joke - brilliant)!
    Blessings!

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    1. I wish someone would explain that joke to me.

      I'll try a little harder for more humour tomorrow, Martha. I'm sure God will approve.

      God bless you and yours.

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  9. You have an extremely vivid mind, Victor.

    A wonderful sense of humor.

    And yes, please, to KFC!

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    1. So glad you enjoyed today's offering, Linda. I hope you're keeping well. Praying for you.

      God bless.

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  10. Smiling across the pond! What a welcome respite from the daily despair of our news media. Thanks!

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    1. I hope to think up something just as funny tomorrow, Mevely. Right now ... nothing on the brain!

      God bless, my friend.

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  11. A laugh, a smile works wonders in these worrying and un-certain days.
    A prayer helps too.

    God bless you Victor.

    All the best Jan

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    1. Thank you so much for your much needed prayers, Jan. Very grateful.

      God bless you and your family.

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  12. Heeheehee! Thank you, i needed that. And yes, satin. Also enjoyed your buying your wife a negligent!

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    1. A negligent is a negligee made in the UK. Other countries call them a dressing gown.

      God bless you, Mimi.

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  13. Yes, God definitely has a sense of humor! ...Oh does He!

    Cute entry Victor, it really is nice to read some cute jokes and stories when things are stressed.

    God bless you Victor!

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    1. Thank you Amelia for your kind comment. Yes, it's good to see life's funny side in difficult times.

      God bless you always.

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  14. Enjoyed the jokes. Thanks for the laughs.
    I would add polar bears to your zoo animals.:)

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    1. Yes ... maybe polar bears too.

      God bless, Happyone.

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