Tuesday, 24 March 2020
It's all in my thoughts, really.
It's like asking, why did the chicken cross the road? Who cares. Probably to go to the KFC restaurant.
Why do people think up stupid sayings and somehow they catch on and everyone is repeating them?
Like for instance, they say an elephant never forgets. Well, that's not true. I have never received a birthday card from an elephant. You'd have thought at least one of them would remember.
Personally, I have a memory of an elephant. I remember years ago I went to London Zoo and saw an elephant. What a memory that was!
What is the point really of going to a zoo? I think zoos should only have five animals. The rest are a total unnecessary waste. Children go to zoos to see the lion, the tiger, the elephant, the giraffe and of course the monkeys. The rest are not important.
Who really cares about going to the zoo and seeing a tortoise? Or a frog? Or snakes? Or a hyena? Or a snail?
Which reminds me. A hyena in the forest meets some monkeys and asks for their help. Apparently, every so often a lion attacks it and beats it black and blue. The monkeys agree to help. A little later the lion attacks the hyena in a ferocious fight. The monkeys all climb up a tree and watch.
Eventually, the lion has had enough fun and walks away, leaving the hyena torn to pieces.
"Why did you not help me?" the hyena asks the monkeys.
They replied, "You were laughing so much we thought you were enjoying it!"
As for the snail. One day as I was going to work I noticed a snail on my doorstep. I nearly trod on it and killed it. To save it from a mishap I picked it up and threw it in a bush some three feet away out of harm's way.
A week later the doorbell rang. I opened the door and the snail said, "What was all that about, throwing me in the bush?"
Did you know that if a snail climbed up your leg it would be three days before you're surprised?
Talking of going to work; I tell you what caught my eye the other day. A short man with an umbrella. Why can't people be careful when opening their umbrellas?
I walked passed a Coffee Bar. Not many people there. Did you know that coffee is not everyone's cup of tea?
I called on the doctor and told him my eye hurts every time I drink tea. He said, "Take the spoon out of the cup first!"
I then went by a furniture store. They had beds and mattresses on a sale of 25% off. I bought a memory mattress. Now it is trying to blackmail me!
Did you know that 13% of babies are conceived in an IKEA bed? Surprising since those stores are usually well lit.
At the same Department Store I tried to buy a lovely negligent for my wife. I asked the sales lady, "Is this satin?"
"No," she said, "it is brand new!" (Think about this one. I did not understand it when I first thought of it).
Further on down the road there was a glazier fixing a broken shop window. My uncle was a glazier. One day he changed all the glass in an office block. Then he realized he had a crack in his spectacles.
As I walked through the park a loose dog bit my leg. It's owner said to me, "It's karma!"
"No," I said, "he seems much angrier now!"
When I got to work I discovered my secretary totally distraught because her cat had died. So I went to the pet shop and bought her an identical cat. Now she has two dead cats.
Talking of which, I have been going to a grief counsellor for the past month. He taught me all about dealing with grief. He was very good. He died this morning and I did not care one bit.
(Sorry ... in bad taste. I'm struggling here to get a smile from you!)
I lived in a very rough district when I was young. If you were a stranger and you were lost the people would give you directions and then follow you in the park to mug you.
Many of my friends had a difficult up-bringing with uncaring parents. Fred for instance. He did not know what it's like to be wanted until he saw his picture on a police notice board.
My parents used to make me walk the plank. We did not have a dog.
People were very poor then. They bought a lot of things on loan and paid a little every week including extortionate interest. They borrowed from loan sharks.
I remember a family who borrowed money to bury their Nan when she died. On the second week they could not afford to pay.
The loan shark said, "You'd better pay up or up she comes!"
I think that's enough for now, before you start throwing rotten tomatoes.