Piano Parrots

 

I bought a pair of parrots from the pub. Now, I hasten to add that the pub is not normally the place from which I purchase merchandise; apart from the odd pint or two of Guinness. But this time it was different.

I also wish to mention that I had no intention whatsoever to buy any parrots or any other bird or animals. Had I that particular wish in mind I would have been at a pet shop and not at the pub. But this time it was different.

As I entered my usual beverages hostelry, there in the corner sat a man with a parrot on each shoulder. I thought this was rather unusual and guessed that had he been a vegetarian he would have had a pair of carrots on his shoulders instead.

I sat at my usual table and said nothing. He got up from his seat and joined me at my table. I hate it when people do that. Often, complete strangers approach me and talk to me for no reason at all. It happens often on the train, in a bus or if I am sitting minding my own business on a park bench. People come and sit next to me and start talking. I often discourage them by carrying a jar of pickled onions which I open and eat one onion at a time.

Why, only last week whilst walking home one evening, a young woman in a mini-skirt and low décolletage approached me and said, "would you like a good time?"

I put the top on my jar of pickled onions so as not to spill any, looked at my watch and said, "It's ten minutes to nine!"

She looked at me angrily and walked away without saying a word. I continued home, wondering why she reacted that way when I told her the time. Then it dawned on me. I'd been walking all night. 

What was all that about?

Anyway, this man in the pub started the conversation by asking me if I wanted to buy his parrots. Of course, I didn't; but to humour him, I put down my jar of pickled onions and said, "do they talk?"

"Better than that," he said, "this one on my left shoulder plays the piano, and the one on the right sings opera!"

"Opera?" I said unbelieving.

"Yes, mate," he replied, "the Barber of Seville. Have you heard it? It's about a man who used to shave oranges!"

To cut a long story short I bought both parrots for half a jar of pickled onions.  

What a waste of money that was. The parrot that was on the left shoulder does not play the piano. He just sits there and stares at it. And the other one has not said a word. 

I returned to the same pub the next day and the man was there again with a hamster on each shoulder. I told him that the parrots neither play the piano nor sing. He explained that the piano is probably out of tune and the parrot would not demean itself by attempting to play it.

He asked me if I wanted to buy a pair of hamsters. They do magic tricks and acrobatics. I did not have any pickled onions with me, so I declined.

Does anyone want to buy a parrot? Or two?