Wednesday 11 May 2022

One Liners

 


The man who created auto-correct has died. May he restaurant in peace.

I used to be in a band called “Sold Out”. Our gig posters looked great, but no-one ever came.

Someone just stole my mood ring. I’m not sure how to feel about that.

A cosmetic surgeon recently moved in to my sleepy little town. He raised a few eyebrows.

Change is inevitable……except from vending machines.

The inventor of throat lozenges has died. There’ll be no coffin at his funeral.

My fear of moving stairs is escalating.

My wife left me because of my depression. Which cheered me right up.

My dyslexic son came last in the school pottery contest. He wrote a poem.

Scientists have finally discovered what women really want. Trouble is, now they’ve changed their minds.

I have CDO. It’s like OCD but all the letters are in alphabetical order as they should be.

My wife said she is leaving me because I’m too impatient. I can’t wait.

The book on chronology I ordered has finally arrived. It's about time.

I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.

When I ate the last cookie without sharing, my elderly granddad pointed at me and said, "Selfish!" So I became a fishmonger.

When someone asks me if I'm seeing anyone, I automatically assume they're talking about a psychiatrist.

MATT'S QUICK MATHS

22 comments:

  1. HaHa! Matt's Quick Maths...Yes! Well...Where was l..
    Oh! Yes! zzzzzzzzzZ...! :O)

    A few more one liners then...
    Let's call them two liners..
    When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

    To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

    Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

    It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

    The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

    When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

    I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

    I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

    Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

    If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money? 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good ones. Especially the last one!

      God bless, Willie.

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  2. Replies
    1. So glad you enjoyed this selection, Tom.

      God bless.

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  3. Giggling! I strongly identify with the one about OCD.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's good to giggle, Mevely. Laughing is good.

      God bless, my friend.

      Delete
  4. Hi Victor, your name should be ' Dick', you are very clever.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm glad you liked my offerings today, Brenda. A little humour every now and then.

      God bless.

      Delete
  5. Enjoyed 'em all but my fav:.........I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.................

    LOL Be safe over there... ;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's good to be a pessimist Jack. If things work out well you're happy. If they don't, you can tell everyone I told you so.

      Best wishes of happiness to you and yours. God bless.

      Delete
  6. Dearest Victor,
    Love the 'coffin–coughing' and the B–negative blood type making you a born pessimist!
    Sure glad that my blood type is A–positive!
    Hugs,
    Mariette

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's good to be always positive, Mariette; trusting in God in everything.

      God bless you.

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  7. Lots of fun here. It was a long year last week, so i needed the laughs!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Mimi. Praying for you my friend. God bless.

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God bless you.