Thursday 5 May 2022

TIME FOR HUMOUR

 

It's time for some humour. When I feel a little down I just tell myself jokes to cheer me up. Some of them are a bit risqué so if you are easily offended please read them with your eyes closed.

There once was a ventriloquist sitting on the stage going through his routine. The dummy he was holding was telling one blonde joke after another ... "there was this blonde ..."

The audience laughed themselves to tears. Eventually a blonde woman had enough of these insults. She stood up and shouted, "Stop all these jokes. They are degrading and insulting to blondes everywhere. You should be ashamed!"

The ventriloquist stopped his act and said apologetically, "I'm sorry madam ... I meant no offence."

She replied, "I'm not talking to you ... I'm talking to the little man sitting on your knee."

Once upon a time there was a very old man living alone. He got a daily visit from the nurse who came in to check he is OK and generally check on his health.

As she left, the old man gave her a paper bag filled with Brazil nuts. They were nicely shelled, white and clean, and ready to enjoy. She took them gracefully and thanked him.

The next day the same thing happened. As she left, the old man gave the nurse another paper bag filled with Brazil nuts. 

This continued for about a week or so, to the point that the nurse shared the Brazil nuts with other nurses at the hospital. They all enjoyed them.

One day, as she was leaving the old man with yet another bag of Brazil nuts she said, "You must love these nuts a lot seeing that you buy so many!"

He replied, "No, actually I don't. My son buys them for me every day and I don't want to hurt his feelings. The nuts are too hard for me to eat. I just suck the chocolates from them and put them back in the bag!"

I was at the pub with Harry the other day. A drunk guy passed out at a table nearby and fell to the floor. The bartender ask Harry if we could drive him home. He lives not far away.

We take the man's address, and Harry and I walk over and try to wake the drunk man. But he is groggy and quite drunk. We help him to his feet, but he falls to the floor in a crashing heap.

We take the drunk by the arm and practically drag him out to the car. Once there, we lean him against the side of the car while Harry looks for his keys. The man slides down to the ground again. Harry finds his keys and manages to get the man positioned in the car. He then drives to the address. Harry opens the passenger door and helps the drunk out; but the guy falls to the ground again! 

We both help him to his feet and practically drag him to the front door. Harry lets go of the man to knock on the door and the guy falls down once again. We help him to his feet just as the man's wife answers the door. "Hi Madam, Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so we gave him a ride home." 

"That was nice of you," she says, looking around, "But where's his wheelchair?"

 It's a Joke folks. A joke. Is it in bad taste? I did warn those who are likely to be offended to keep their eyes shut. How about a Christian joke to finish off with?

They brought a woman to Jesus who had been caught committing adultery. They wanted to stone her to death as is their custom. "What's going on here, anyway?" He asked.

"This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.

"Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

Suddenly, a stone came down from the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head. 

Looking up Jesus cried, "Do you mind God, I'm trying to make a point here!"

Now over to you. Post your jokes in the comments box below.

24 comments:

  1. ...when you lose your sense of humor, you've lost everything!

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    Replies
    1. That's true. Until one day when I fell down the stairs!

      God bless.

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  2. I'm sorry..but this is a long one...As the Bishop said to the actress...! :).
    There is a factory in Essex which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys...The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

    Well, Shelley is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am...

    The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee...

    He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule...

    The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up...

    At the end of the line stands Shelley surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles...

    The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs...

    The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Shelley...

    'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

    'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles...! :O).

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Thought l'd put this in..it's 'guest' post l did for
      a lady friend's Blog..back in 2016...Quite funny
      if l say so myself..! :O) Enjoy!

      http://marchhousebookscom.blogspot.co.uk/2016/12/a-not-to-be-missed-guest-post-by-one.html#comment-form

      Delete
    2. You've quite a sense of humour, Willie. I can imagine you on stage.

      God bless.

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    3. Yes! There's one leaving this afternoon at four..(4)..
      I'll make sure l'm on it....! :O).

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  3. Good ones! (My favorite, the blonde.) I once heard a preacher say, she thinks the only TV channel available in hospital rooms should be the Comedy Channel. Laughter is the best medicine!

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    1. True, the preacher was right. Sometimes humour can improve a difficult situation. Glad I made you smile, Mevely.

      God bless you.

      Delete
  4. My sweetheart (?) says the only joke around here is me! But I must admit I did laugh out loud as the one without sin was ID'd! From here to there, jack the joke. ;-)

    Oh I tried your line:...... please read them with your eyes closed...... I actually had to peep!

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    Replies
    1. Humour is in the eye of the beholder. Or is it pizza? Something is in in the eye of the beholder. It's good to laugh, Jack.

      God bless you and Sherry.

      Delete
  5. Thanks for the laughs. : )
    Here's a corny joke.
    What kind of car would Jesus drive?
    A Christler.

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    Replies
    1. Good one. Never heard that one before.

      Keep smiling here with us, Happyone.

      God bless always.

      Delete
  6. Dearest Victor,
    Those were good humorous ones! It is the spice of life that keeps us all going.
    Hugs,
    Mariette

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    Replies
    1. It's good to be cheerful as best we can, Mariette. Wishing you smiles and happiness.

      God bless.

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  7. Always good to laugh. You are so funny. Have a blessed day.

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  8. Always good to laugh. You are so funny. Have a blessed day.

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    1. I'm so glad you enjoyed the jokes, Nells. Thank you for your visit here again.

      God bless always.

      Delete
  9. You live a much more interesting life than we do.

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    Replies
    1. I try to be cheerful as best I can, Susan.

      God bless you and yours.

      Delete
  10. You are too funny.

    Miss Maude, a lovely Southern woman, was approached by some of the elders in her church. They knew she had impeccable qualifications, so they asked her their question.

    "Miss Maude, do you think Jesus was a Southerner?"

    Miss Maude thought about that for quite a long moment before she answered. "I'm afraid that is a question I cannot precisely answer. But I certainly feel He was good enough to be."

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    Replies
    1. Good one, Mimi. I never heard this one before. Thank you for your contribution and continuous support of my writings.

      God bless always.

      Delete
  11. "Suddenly, a stone came down from the sky..." I guess that counts as proof, at least to those who actually saw it.

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    Replies
    1. Yes, sadly people always need proof.

      God bless, River.

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