Funny Bones - Humerus

 

I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

There is no key to a woman's heart. There's only a password that changes regularly.

Just discovered why they lock gas station toilets? They’re afraid someone will clean them?

What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father in law.

When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Last night my girlfriend was complaining that I never listen to her… or something like that.

If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.

When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.

I’ve been bored recently, so I decided to take up fencing. The neighbours keep demanding that I put it back.

Do mascara and lipstick ever argue? Sure, but then they make-up.

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Trooper sees a car puttering along at 22mph. He thinks to himself, “this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So, he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour!” The old woman says proudly.

The State Police Officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error. 

“But before I let you go, ma’am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” said the officer.

The old lady replied, “Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”