I like crumpet

I like crumpet. For those who don't know what crumpet is, (or English griddle bread as it is sometimes known), it is a bread made with unsweetened batter of milk, or water, flour and yeast. It is bought as a small pancake about 3 inches in diameter and it has a lot of tiny holes in it made at the cooking/baking process as bubbles made by the yeast, (or bicarbonate of soda), try to escape.

They are normally sold in packets of six or twelve and you usually put them in the toaster to warm them up and then you spread butter on them which melts into the little holes. Some people spread honey instead, or strawberry jam, or even peanut butter or other favourite spreads which melt into the holes. 

They taste delicious hot with a nice cup of coffee or whatever is your favourite drink.

I have been studying crumpets. In fact I have a University Degree from an obscure un-named University specialising in crumpets, specifically their nutritional value, chewing bounce when you bite them, as well as bounce when they fall to the ground with and without a spreading of butter or whatever else they are spread with.

Did you know that when dropped with a spread of butter there is a 59% probability that the crumpet will land face down with the butter on the floor? Because cats always land on their feet, the University advises that you tie a crumpet on the back of a cat before dropping it (the crumpet) on the floor.

Did you also know that on average there are about 55 to 89 tiny holes on each crumpet, all spread haphazardly as there is no way of controlling how the air bubbles from the soda in the dough will escape as it is cooked.

I have gained a Post-Graduate Diploma in the speciality of bubbles on crumpets. There is indeed the possibility that tiny insects might enter one or more of these tiny holes on the crumpet surface; for example ants, termites or earwigs, and unbeknown to the user they might be baked alive when you put the crumpet in the toaster. They do not add any nutritional value whatsoever to the crumpet when eaten and only account for a tiny amount of protein to one's diet.

Also, dust may accumulate in the tiny holes if the crumpets are kept in a dusty atmosphere such as your back pocket as you happen to work in the garden, the garage, or on top of a crane which has not been vacuum cleaned recently. Also if you work as a cleaner at a zoo.

However, the most hazardous aspect of crumpets is that tiny people might fall into the holes and get stuck there until rescued by someone observant enough to notice them before smearing butter all over them.

In summary, crumpets are tasty but check each hole before you eat them.