If Not Now When

 

Once upon a time there was an elderly lady who had a bone china tea set. She had a teapot, a milk jug, a container for sugar, twelve cups and saucers and side plates for biscuits and cakes. The individually hand-made items where white in colour with beautiful red roses hand-painted as decorations and gold plating on the rims of the cups and plates. Although the set was quite old it was in pristine condition as if it had just left the factory; now long closed and out of business.

She loved that tea set and displayed it proudly in a glass-fronted cupboard in her living room.

She never used it because it was reserved for very special occasions. You know, just in case the Pope or the Queen might visit. Which of course they never did; nor were they likely to ever do. The old lady was very concerned in case an item would break or be chipped in use and the set would be incomplete and the damaged item irreplaceable

The tea set remained in the glass-fronted cupboard, admired by everyone who visited the old lady, and proudly loved by her whenever she looked at it.

One day the old lady died and her distant relatives, who never visited her when alive, sold all her belongings and used the money towards a holiday abroad.

When the old lady met St Peter at the Gates of Heaven, for that is where she was destined, the old Saint, who was used to drinking from an old clay cup when on earth, remarked casually “You never did get to use that lovely tea set, did you?”

“No!” she replied forlornly, “I saved it for a special occasion which never arrived!”

“Hmmm …” thought the Saint stroking his beard, “You also never got round to planting aubergines and courgettes in your garden. You always wanted to do that. But never did!”

“That’s right …” remembered the old lady, “Somehow I never got round to it. You know how it is … I was busy cleaning the house and things …”

St Peter chuckled quietly and added “Buon giorno!”

The old lady looked up at the tall man in total confusion.

He laughed and said, “Remember that winter when you promised yourself to learn Italian? You even bought a book and a dictionary, but never got to enrol at the local college for evening classes.”

“Yes … that’s right …” she replied shyly, “I wish I’d done that. Somehow the time was never right to start those classes. I would have enjoyed them too!”

An ominous silence followed and she wondered frightfully whether her omissions had somehow prejudiced her chances of entering Paradise.

“Do come in, my dear!” said the kindly Saint, “you know …” he added as he scratched his head, “it grieves me when I look down on earth and see so many people procrastinating and postponing doing something they set their hearts on.

“I watch and think … if not now, when?

“Somehow, people always have a reason for not doing something. When the Big Boss created the world for us He meant us to enjoy His creations, not postpone them and endure life!”

As she was led to her room in Paradise she discovered by her bedside the porcelain tea-set she once owned, two packets of aubergine and courgette seeds and an Italian dictionary.

The kindly Saint had given her a second chance to fulfil her dreams.

One Liners

 

The man who created auto-correct has died. May he restaurant in peace.

I used to be in a band called “Sold Out”. Our gig posters looked great, but no-one ever came.

Someone just stole my mood ring. I’m not sure how to feel about that.

A cosmetic surgeon recently moved in to my sleepy little town. He raised a few eyebrows.

Change is inevitable……except from vending machines.

The inventor of throat lozenges has died. There’ll be no coffin at his funeral.

My fear of moving stairs is escalating.

My wife left me because of my depression. Which cheered me right up.

My dyslexic son came last in the school pottery contest. He wrote a poem.

Scientists have finally discovered what women really want. Trouble is, now they’ve changed their minds.

I have CDO. It’s like OCD but all the letters are in alphabetical order as they should be.

My wife said she is leaving me because I’m too impatient. I can’t wait.

The book on chronology I ordered has finally arrived. It's about time.

I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.

When I ate the last cookie without sharing, my elderly granddad pointed at me and said, "Selfish!" So I became a fishmonger.

When someone asks me if I'm seeing anyone, I automatically assume they're talking about a psychiatrist.

MATT'S QUICK MATHS

Advice

 

We all need advice from time to time. Usually we seek advice from someone we trust, someone we love, a person whose opinion we respect and value, an individual who will consider our problem and give honest practical advice.

Some people even seek advice from the Internet. Not always the best thing to do, but I can understand their desire to do so, hiding behind some sort of anonymity. 

Other people talk over their problems with complete strangers. You'd be surprised the number of people who speak to me when on the bus and before you know it they are telling me their life's problems and seeking my opinion. 

I usually like to sit quietly on the bus eating pickled onions, or beetroot, or cucumbers from various jars I carry with me for emergencies. And yet somehow, I always attract some stranger seeking advice. Only the other day I was enjoying some chilli con carne on the bus when someone asked me for my views about the UK's economic policy towards the European Community now that we have left the EEC. I told him that olives are too expensive.

When you seek advice it is important that you value the person you seek advice from. You do not want someone who'll sympathise with you, however genuine that is, and just tell you what you want to hear. What's the use of that? You might as well seek advice from a mirror.

In Olden Days people used to go to oracles to seek advice. The oracles would look into chicken entrails and tell you what you should do. Usually they worked in groups; but sometimes there were singletons doing such work. They were called monocle. The practice of looking into chicken's entrails has now stopped because the chickens used would stop laying eggs.

I normally ask advice from people who will be interested in what I say, especially if it is not their speciality and they can take an open-minded view of my problem. For example, I would go to a lawyer and ask him for advice on how to mend a leaking faucet. It is not his speciality, but it would certainly focus his mind in giving me a practical solution.

Recently I asked my plumber about a medical problem I had. I told him I had water on the knee. He said I was not aiming straight.

This giving advice unrelated to one's profession seems to be spreading. I was at the doctor's last week and he asked me, "do you have a problem passing water?"

I replied, "I get a little dizzy when crossing a river ... !"

He told me to lie on his couch. I asked him why. He said, "I want to vacuum clean just where you're standing. The cleaner has not come in today. She is also a Counsellor at the local Home For Distressed Weasels."

So there you have it. Always seek advice before you make a decision. It does not matter whether you take the advice or not. If you take the advice and things don't work out well you can blame it on the advisor. In some cases you might also be able to sue him in Court for bad advice. True ... ask an electrician or a fishmonger ... they'll tell you. It is not their field of specialism, so they're bound to be right.

The Gate

 

In the Gospel of John Chapter 10 Jesus says several times "I am the gate".

In Chapter 10 - 9 He says "I am the gate. Those who come in by me will be saved; they will come in and go out and find pasture."

This seems strange at first. We can understand when Jesus says "I am the Way" or "I am the Good Shepherd"; but gate? What does all that mean?

To understand this we need to visualise how a sheep pen at the times of Christ looked like. It was a circular or square enclosure built out of stone, wooden fencing or just hedges. And it had an opening through which sheep got in and out.

But shepherds in those days were poor people. They certainly would not have the money to build gates at the opening of the pen. They stayed "watching their flocks by night" with their sheep.

The pen looked something like the photo above.

And the shepherd would lie across the opening, sleeping with his sheep, and making sure that none would get out during the night. Also protecting them from wolves or other predators.

So, the shepherd was in fact the gate.

That's what Jesus meant when He said He is the gate.

He protects us from evil and stops us from going astray. This passage from John's Gospel is a New Testament version of Psalm 23 -

¹ The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
²     He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
³     he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
    for his name’s sake.
⁴ Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,^[a]
I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

⁵ You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
⁶ Surely your goodness and love will follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever.

One Day At A Time

 

 

 FATHER FRANCIS MAPLE

(WEBSITE) 

I'm only human, I'm just a man
Help me believe in what I could be
And all that I am
Show me the stairway, that I have to climb
Lord for my sake, teach me to take
One day at a time

 

One day at a time Lord Jesus
That's all I'm asking from You
Just give me the strength
To do everyday what I have to do
Yesterday's gone Lord Jesus
And tomorrow may never be mine
Lord help me today, show me the way
One day at a time

 

Do You remember, when You walked among men
Well Jesus You know if You're looking below
It's worse now, than then
Cheating and stealing

Violence and crime

Lord for my sake, teach me to take

One day at a time 

 

 One day at a time Lord Jesus
That's all I'm asking from You
Just give me the strength
To do everyday what I have to do
Yesterday's gone Lord Jesus
And tomorrow may never be mine
Lord help me today, show me the way

One day at a time

 

Lord help me today, show me the way

One day at a time

Unseen And Invisible

An empty car drew up to our house. A man got out. You could tell it was a man by the sound of his footsteps.

There was a knock at the door. I asked through the intercom, "Who is it?"

"The invisible man!" said the voice behind the door.

"I can't see you!" I answered back.

But he would not take "No" for an answer. He rang the doorbell again.

I opened the door. There was no one there. I shut the door and went back to my office.

He must have got into the house because moments later my office door opened and closed all by itself.

"Sorry to barge in," said the voice.

I nearly fell off my chair. "Who the hell are you? Where are you?" I asked.

"I am the invisible man," replied the voice, "I am sitting in the chair opposite you!"

I noticed the chair move a little and a bottom-shaped indentation on the seat appeared as some weight was put on it.

"The invisible man?" I stammered in trepidation.

"The very same!" he said, no doubt smiling by the sound of his voice.

It took me sometime to take all this in. After a few seconds I hesitated and asked, "if you are invisible, are all your clothes invisible too? Or are you naked?" 

"Does it make any difference?" he asked.

"It would, if you were a woman," I replied cheekily.

He must have liked my humour because he smiled again ... I think! He then said, "I am naked!"

"I must remember to disinfect this seat," I said curtly, "what do you want?"

"At last, we come down to business," the voice replied, "I would like you to write about me. You are a writer, I gather. Not a good one, but you'll do. I want you to write about invisibility. Being unseen. How it feels and how it affects people like me!"

"Does it cause you problems?" I asked getting my notebook and pencil ready.

"Of course," he explained, "I can't come and go as I please because if I open a door, people will see it open by itself and they would panic. Just like you did just now. So I have to wait until someone opens a door and I get through with them without being noticed."

I nodded as I scribbled quickly.

He continued, "Once at a party I wanted to go to the toilet and could not open the door as I explained. I had to wait until someone got in the toilet and I followed them in. Then I waited till they finished before I could go myself. After they left, I had not finished so I got trapped in the toilet room all alone. I had to wait ages until someone else came in and I got out unnoticed!"

I smiled. He saw that because I am not invisible.

"I think I've said enough," he declared, "you've plenty to get on with for now. I'd better leave through your window so that we don't panic your family!"

The chair moved. The window opened by itself. And then there was silence. He must have gone.

I thought a while about invisibility. Many people are invisible. People you meet in the street, in the shops, or on the bus or train, and you ignore them. People at work, like the security guard at the main gate that you pass every day and don't say "hello!" Or the people who deliver the mail and packages to your in-tray. You don't notice them because they're invisible.

Or the waiters in a restaurant. Waiters are always invisible I notice. Most people continue with their conversation regardless of the waiter being there.

Also the new person at work. Timid, afraid not to make a mistake, trying his best. Yet he's invisible to everyone else. No one there to make him welcome and help him along.

Old people are invisible too. Most people ignore them when they see them in the street or on the bus. 

There are so many invisible people in this world. I wonder how they feel?

Maybe ... perhaps ... I am invisible too to people around me.

Are you invisible?

Quizical Quiz

 

It's a long time since I set a quiz on this Blog. So get your thinking caps on and join in the fun. There will be a prize for anyone who answers all the questions correctly - there's only five questions. And the quiz is being adjudicated by an upright member of the community, known to me and others in this locality, to ensure fair play; and that my friends and family members do not have an unfair advantage in answering this quiz.

And by the way, it is not true that this upright member of the community, who will remain nameless to protect his identity, escaped from prison after being arrested for being drunk whilst riding an emu. Ivor Hiccup had in fact served his whole sentence in prison, and it was an ostrich not an emu.

Now for the quiz. Five easy questions:

1   What did I have for breakfast this morning?

2   What is the colour of the door of 19 Acacia Avenue just down the road from where I live?

3   What did I find in my back garden yesterday afternoon?

     a)   A car tire?

     b)   A spaceship had landed?

     c)   An apple that had fallen off the tree?

4   What is the highest temperature in degrees centigrade that has ever been recorded?

5   What is the distance between the earth and the moon measured in footsteps? 

AND NOW FOR THE ANSWERS

Please do not read the answers before you have given your own answers in the comments box below. I shall trust your honesty.

1   I had cereals for breakfast.

2   19 Acacia Avenue does not have a door. It is a tent.

3   I found a dead wasp in my back garden yesterday.

4   The highest temperature recorded depends on the ladder the person was standing on at the time. 

5   Peoples' footsteps lengths vary depending on how tall the person is. 

Good luck, I hope you got all of them right.

TIME FOR HUMOUR

 

It's time for some humour. When I feel a little down I just tell myself jokes to cheer me up. Some of them are a bit risqué so if you are easily offended please read them with your eyes closed.

There once was a ventriloquist sitting on the stage going through his routine. The dummy he was holding was telling one blonde joke after another ... "there was this blonde ..."

The audience laughed themselves to tears. Eventually a blonde woman had enough of these insults. She stood up and shouted, "Stop all these jokes. They are degrading and insulting to blondes everywhere. You should be ashamed!"

The ventriloquist stopped his act and said apologetically, "I'm sorry madam ... I meant no offence."

She replied, "I'm not talking to you ... I'm talking to the little man sitting on your knee."

Once upon a time there was a very old man living alone. He got a daily visit from the nurse who came in to check he is OK and generally check on his health.

As she left, the old man gave her a paper bag filled with Brazil nuts. They were nicely shelled, white and clean, and ready to enjoy. She took them gracefully and thanked him.

The next day the same thing happened. As she left, the old man gave the nurse another paper bag filled with Brazil nuts. 

This continued for about a week or so, to the point that the nurse shared the Brazil nuts with other nurses at the hospital. They all enjoyed them.

One day, as she was leaving the old man with yet another bag of Brazil nuts she said, "You must love these nuts a lot seeing that you buy so many!"

He replied, "No, actually I don't. My son buys them for me every day and I don't want to hurt his feelings. The nuts are too hard for me to eat. I just suck the chocolates from them and put them back in the bag!"

I was at the pub with Harry the other day. A drunk guy passed out at a table nearby and fell to the floor. The bartender ask Harry if we could drive him home. He lives not far away.

We take the man's address, and Harry and I walk over and try to wake the drunk man. But he is groggy and quite drunk. We help him to his feet, but he falls to the floor in a crashing heap.

We take the drunk by the arm and practically drag him out to the car. Once there, we lean him against the side of the car while Harry looks for his keys. The man slides down to the ground again. Harry finds his keys and manages to get the man positioned in the car. He then drives to the address. Harry opens the passenger door and helps the drunk out; but the guy falls to the ground again! 

We both help him to his feet and practically drag him to the front door. Harry lets go of the man to knock on the door and the guy falls down once again. We help him to his feet just as the man's wife answers the door. "Hi Madam, Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so we gave him a ride home." 

"That was nice of you," she says, looking around, "But where's his wheelchair?"

 It's a Joke folks. A joke. Is it in bad taste? I did warn those who are likely to be offended to keep their eyes shut. How about a Christian joke to finish off with?

They brought a woman to Jesus who had been caught committing adultery. They wanted to stone her to death as is their custom. "What's going on here, anyway?" He asked.

"This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.

"Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

Suddenly, a stone came down from the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head. 

Looking up Jesus cried, "Do you mind God, I'm trying to make a point here!"

Now over to you. Post your jokes in the comments box below.

Welcome to Hell

FIVE MINUTES VIDEO

 

 Welcome to hell

Well, I hope that the introduction to this recording has frightened you about hell as much as it has frightened me.

Because whatever you conceive it to be hell does exist all right. It may be an ever-burning everlasting fire mixed with the acrid smell of burning flesh and sulphur.

Or it may be just a state of consciousness in the total absence of God's presence and love.

Do you know … when I was at school many moons ago a school boy described hell as being upside down for eternity in a pile of manure.

Now there's an image you'd probably never thought of. But as sure as hell exists we can be certain that the devil exists also. He is not just a euphemism for evil, wickedness and wrongdoings.

He is a living being with us here right now. Every day; and intent on the destruction of all souls.

As Christians we cannot possibly believe in God and not believe in the devil.

Yet sadly for us, and fortunately for him, he has been cleverly airbrushed away from our Sermons, and our churches, and our lives.

When is the last time you heard a sermon on Sunday about the dangers of the devil?

I haven't for at least a lifetime. Yet the devil belongs to the priest’s sermon as surely as God does.

You wouldn't expect to drive on a perilous road without any warning signs of sharp bends steep hills and blind corners, would you?

Yet we seem happy to live our lives oblivious of the very existence of a cunning and dangerous enemy ever eager to lead us to damnation when we least expect it.

There are indeed people who believe in the devil to the point of worshipping him.

Whilst I cannot understand why anyone should wish to do so, at least I acknowledge their honesty in so doing; which is more honest than the millions of so-called Christians who attend church every Sunday yet don't know exactly what to believe.

The Catholic Church, amongst other churches, has trained and appointed priests exorcists to combat the spread of Satanism. Well at least the church believes in the devil and is prepared to do something about it.

But has every Christian I wonder received this message loud and clear?

And if not, then surely it is evidence of the success of the devil himself.

Are there millions of Christians, I wonder, sleepwalking their way into hell?

Thank you for listening. God bless

Not Now ... I'm Busy!

 

There's a saying that life is like a toilet paper roll. The nearer it comes to the end the faster it goes.

You know how it is. We're all very busy these days doing this and that and the other thing and trying to get our head round doing more jobs on our "To Do" list. 

It's not like when we were children and things moved so slowly and a week was as long as a year especially when we're waiting for something nice like a birthday party, or a visit to the cinema or park or whatever. 

These days time moves much faster it seems and all the days and weeks seem to blend together and another year is over.

We really don't have time to go to church ... every Sunday. Life's too busy for that. 

A recent survey said that in the UK regular attendance to church, all denominations, is about 5% of the population. Yet, I guess many people consider that they are Christian at heart, good people really, and they will certainly go to Heaven. Whatever they believe Heaven is.

We all need rules to keep us safe and to live an ordered life. Can you imagine the chaos if you went out in the street and drove wherever you wished and ignored traffic lights and road signals? 

In Christian life too, we have some rules to follow, known as the Ten Commandments. One of them says that we should keep one day a week holy. This means that we should make an effort to attend church regularly and not just fit it in when the golf game has been cancelled. 

Being a Christian means loving God and obeying Him and respecting His rules. How would you feel if your friends only come running to you when they need help and the rest of the time they ignore you because they're too busy? It is the same with God. Many use God as a convenient insurance policy for when things go wrong.

Christianity is not an optional extra. It is not a badge one wears to identify them when asked.

You are either a Christian or you are not. Hiding behind the badge may fool others, including you, but it certainly will not fool God. If you say you're a Christian and you don't go to church then you're not a Christian.

And one more thing ... as someone once said, going to church does not make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Christianity is a way of life, a Mission, an eternal destination. Christianity is difficult. It is not for the faint-hearted and the timid. Christianity is hard work; but with a good pension plan.

The message may be hard to swallow but that's the way it is.

Musing on my musings ... amusing.

 

I was sitting in the sunshine in the garden thinking. The cat passed by. I told him to go away, "this is a monologue, not a catalogue," I said. 

He ignored me and climbed up a tree and over the fence into another garden. 

I was reading a book about ancient or family traditions and I thought. It is a tradition amongst some people that a right to passage when a child becomes a man is when the father takes his son for a drink in the pub. This reminded me of years ago I took my son out for his first pint.

Got him a Budweiser ….. he didn’t like it – I had it.

Then I got him Miller Lite ... he didn’t like it either so I had it.

It was the same with Guinness and other local beers. By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the pram home.

(I can imagine the e-mails reprimanding me about this. It did not happen, folks. It's only a joke. Besides, he was 21 at the time and too big to fit in the pram!)

I was 21 too when my father gave me parental advice to teach me to be a man. He said, "always take everything with a pinch of salt". He was a good man, but he made an awful cup of tea.

He then added, "remember son," he said as he chewed on a pipe made of licorice, "It is not what you know, it is who you know in order to get along and be successful in life. And you're lacking in both. In this world, there are two words that will open many doors for you however - PULL and PUSH."

He finished his pipe and started chewing bubble gum and said, "And another thing ... never ever take advice from anyone!"

So I ignored him.

I don't know why, but this reminded me of another incident many years later. It was in March and my wife told me that in nine months time I'll have a little surprise! I was so disappointed by Christmas that it was not another train set.

Life can be disappointing at times. You try your best and things don't turn out right. The other day I was walking along the street when I slipped in some dog poo. I stood there by a lamp post cleaning myself up when this big guy comes along and slips in the same poo. I said to him, "I've just done that!" He hit me in the face.

Moments later as I nursed a bleeding nose a policeman passed by and I told him what happened. He took my name and then said, "I recognise this name ..." he searched his notes and continued, "I have a note here that your dog has been reported to have chased someone on a bicycle!"  

I replied, "I don't think so ... my dog does not have a bike!"

He warned me not to let it happen again; which it won't since we don't own a bicycle anyway.

Did I ever tell you that I was mugged in London years ago? It was at night as I was getting home from the pub. A youngster stopped me and pointed a plastic knife at me, "Your money or your life!" he threatened.

It took me a while to make a decision because I did not have my wife with me at the time.

He hissed angrily, "Give me your money or you're geography!"

I replied, "Don't you mean history?"

He said, "Don't change the subject!" 

On another subject, I read in the papers that there was a faith healer in town. Apparently, he is the worst faith healer ever. He was so bad that a guy in a wheelchair got up and walked out!

Christianity is not what it used to be

 

Maybe it's my imagination, but Christianity isn't what it used to be.

There was a time when people behaved somewhat differently regarding their Christianity than they do now. For example, you'd go to a hospital or a school and you'd see a Crucifix or a Cross on the wall.

In our school all the pupils and teachers used to gather in the big hall every morning for prayers and a hymn before we went to our class for lessons. We said prayers at lunch time, led by the headmaster or a teacher, before we ate.

Women used to wear a hat or a veil on their heads when in church.

The sermons were more relevant to life as it is. The priest used the theme of the Gospel of the day and made what he said relevant to how we live and how we should behave. These days all he does is repeat the Gospel we've just read and does not add or explain anything. I know one priest who manages to put me to sleep with the first sentence of his sermon. I am often suddenly awakened with a sharp elbow in the side.

In them days men would stop and take their hats off if a funeral hearse would pass in the street. People would do the sign of the Cross when passing a church.

Priests used to visit their parishioners at home, not just when they were ill, but at all times just for a cup of tea. Often people would invite priests for Sunday lunch, and they were always there at special events like wedding anniversaries. Now priests seem to be always too busy with administrative work, and Ecumenical Meetings and don't seem to have time for their parishioners.

These days it's all different. Maybe it's me. Perhaps I got it all wrong. I've been lucky to have known some good priests in Olden Days ... 

But let's not focus on those around us. How about us Christians? Yes, you and me! Whatever happens in the world what is our Mission here in this life ... right now?

"Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptising them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” Matthew 28-19:20