Arachnophobia Therapy

 

Hello everyone. Welcome to Arachnophobia Therapy Unlimited. We are here to help you. Arachnophobia means the fear of spiders. There is nothing wrong with being afraid of spiders.

Let me tell you ... you are not alone. 

There are spiders everywhere. Outdoors, indoors, in homes, in cars, on trains and buses. Everywhere. At home, they are not just in your bath tub, but everywhere ... including your bedroom. There is scientific evidence that at least 40% of us have swallowed a spider in our sleep.

I know ... I know ... you find this frightening and disgusting. But you are here to be cured of these feelings. In fact, as a starter to this session we have placed a spider's nest underneath each of your chairs.

All right ... all right ... calm down ... sit down please ... sit down ... PLEASE CALM DOWN. Thank you ... calm down ...

Miss Henderson ... please get off your chair and don't pull your skirt so high up to your navel. Especially wearing such skimpy underwear. Mrs Granger ... please help her down from the chair. 

Now then ... of course we did not place any spiders under your chairs. But ask yourselves ... why did you all behave as you did?

Because we as humans are too compliant towards the animal kingdom.

And the animals know that. We throw a stick in the park and the dog goes to fetch it. Why can't he throw his own stick?

When a cat climbs up a tree and he's afraid to get down again, we call the fire brigade to get him down.

We seem to do everything the animals ask for; and they know it.

Take dolphins for instance. Many people pay a fortune to go swimming with dolphins. And the dolphins enjoy the attention and get fed by us.

Not me ... I'd prefer to go cycling with dolphins, on the principle that if we can learn to swim they should be bothered enough to learn to cycle.

Years ago I could not afford to go swimming with dolphins with the whole family. So we went swimming with sardines instead.

As soon as I got in the water they all avoided me and swam away. Stupid creatures. They prefer to squeeze themselves into a tin and leave the key outside.

Any way, back to spiders. You will have read that a certain Peter Parker got bitten by a spider and turned into a spider hero himself. Should this happen to you during this therapy session we have the appropriate costumes for you to buy at a reduced cost. That is after you have undergone a total blood transfusion, (optional), at a price to be quoted on demand.

Oh ... and another thing ... when you have been cured of your phobia, you can purchase a real live spider as a pet from the souvenir shop. They cost $10 each, although you can get them cheaper from the web.

Now then ... how to cure you from your fear of spiders?

To conquer a spider you must be a spider. A spider is more afraid of you than you of it.

Come on now ... all of you. Get down on the floor ... on all fours ... on your hands and knees and crawl around aimlessly like a spider does.

Miss Henderson ... please pull down you skirt at the back ... it's distracting the other spiders. 

OK... sit down all of you. Say I am not afraid of spiders. Repeat it again. Three times. With conviction.

Say I AM a spider. I AM A SPIDER. Again. Again.

Right ... that's it for today. See you all next week. By session 25 you'll all be new men and women no longer afraid of spiders. You could enrol in other therapy sessions.

Like fear of apple pies. Fear of tricycle wheels. Fear of the underneath of ships. Fear of the letter omega in the Greek alphabet. Or any other fear that you may have!

You have nothing to fear but fear itself. 

Forgiving you is easy

 

Do you remember the song "Forgiving you was easy" by Willie Nelson?

The lyrics go, "Forgiving you is easy ... But forgetting seems to take the longest time."

That's the problem with forgiveness. Many people feel they have forgiven the wrong done to them and then when the memories come back they get all angry and upset again and believe that they haven't forgiven.

Let us look at forgiveness more closely.

Forgiveness is an act, not a feeling. You decide, actively, that you will forgive someone who has hurt you. This means you will not seek revenge, retribution, compensation or feel resentment or ill-will towards the person who did you wrong. 

Of course, the memories will linger on. The slightest event will bring back the whole situation to your mind and will make you angry or upset once again. This is only natural. Don't worry. Use these moments of remembering again as an opportunity to actively forgive once more. Hand over the person who hurt you to God. Pray for them. You cannot possibly hate someone you pray for. Say to God, "I hand this person to your love and mercy. Forgive them for me!"

What if the person who has hurt you, and never sought your forgiveness, is now dead?

He is no longer your concern. Stop agonising about it. This person is now before God and has seen the situation in all its facets. God will now deal with the situation and that person's role in it. You should pray for that person when the memory of the wrong-doing comes to mind.

What if you need to seek forgiveness from someone who is now dead?

Obviously, it is now too late to seek forgiveness from him. But it is never too late to seek forgiveness from God. Confess your wrong-doing to God and honestly and earnestly ask for His forgiveness. Provided you are sincere and repent God will forgive you.

And once God has forgiven you this is the end of the matter. Stop picking at the situation over and again. Stop feeling guilty at your wrong-doing. God has forgiven you. By picking at the situation you are insulting God in that you are saying He has not forgiven you. That He was wrong that He forgave you. 

How do you think He feels about that? Doubting His love, His mercy and His forgiveness.

Accept His forgiveness graciously and move on with a joyful heart.

My phone conversation with the priest

 

FATHER MARK

 

Hello ... is this St Vincent Church?

I would like to speak to Father Donald please ...

... Not Father Mark ... he is a little frightening at times ... I find him intimida ...

... Oh it's you Father Mark !!! Hello ...

... Ehm ... I'm sorry about what I said just then ...

... Will I need to confess it as a sin? No ... oh good ...

Well ... what I wondered is ... you know your housekeeper ...

Yes ... Mrs Nightingale ... yes ... well ... do you think she has my sausages?

My sausages ... You see, I am at home cooking breakfast ... fried eggs and bacon with baked beans and no sausages ...

Yes ... I have no sausages ... and I wondered if Mrs Nightingale had them and cooked them for you and Father Donald for breakfast ...

I was at the butcher this morning ... you see ... Ivor Bull and Harry Lamb ... do you know them?

... They are in the High Street next to the pub The Drunken Bishop ...

Yes ... I'm about to get to the point ... don't intimidate me please ... it makes me worried when you shout ... Ok ... yes ... I have calmed down ...

... Well ... the butcher ... he makes lovely pork sausages ... chipolatas ...

... That's the name of the sausages ... Have you ever tried them?

Yes ... I'm getting there ... Well ... I got half a pound of chipolatas and then on my way home I came in the Church.

I sat at the back ... and it was about the end of the Mass ... is it a sin to come at the end of the Mass rather than the beginning?

No? Well ... I stayed there and said a prayer whilst the two or three people there went home ... then I left too ...

When I got home I did not have my chipolatas ... I may have left them on the pew ... the last one at the back on the left ...

Well ... I thought perhaps Mrs Nightingale may have found them when she was cleaning the church and fed them to you and Father Donald?

Why are you angry with me, Father? I was only asking ...

Ok ... after I have had my breakfast ... without the chipolatas ... I'll come over to church and ask Mrs Nightingale if she found them ...

Will you be there? No? You'll be out? For how long? I thought I'd say "hello" whilst I'm there ... You'll be out for a month?

Ok ... I'll say "hello" now then ... and "goodbye!"

I hope you are not angry with me, Father ... Father ... He's hung up!

Zut Alors!

Allo mes amis,

Zis storee appened in ze late 19 century in Paris in la belle France. It was in Autumn zee air is misty and grey and you can smell zee chestnuts on hot coal fires on zee little carts of zee chestnuts sellers at every corner of zee street.

Walking by the river side iz a short man called Too Lose Le Trick. Suddenly a man runs towards him and jumps in zee river. He was in Seine, obviouslee.

Too Lose Le Trick e was a very short man. A painter by profession. Not a painter of houses, or furniture or such things. To Lose Le Trick was a painter of pictures you hung on your wall and admire lovinglee.

Too Lose Le Trick, waz known as a post impressionist painter. Zat iz e stopped doing impressions of ozer people, like hiz friends Cezanne, Van Gogh and Gauguin. 

 Too Lose waz so short zat e could only paint portraits of zee peoples' knees, becauze zis was as far as e could see. E could not see much higher zan people's knees becoze eet waz veree rude to look higher zan zee knees. So e settled to become a veree famous painter of zee knees. Ere is a famous painting of his.

Zee model for zis painting was a demure English woman called Enid Brown. Zis painting gave rise to zee English song "Knees up mother Brown" which you may ave heard singing sometime in zee pub.

Too Lose Le Trick e had a small dog with a detachable tail. Zee dog, when a young pupee, e run round and round chasing iz tail and zen e caught it and bit it off. So Too Lose Le Trick, being a resourceful and inventive man, e made a new tail which e clipped on zee dog. Zee tail would wag back and forth with zee power of electrique batteries. For exercise, Too Lose would take off zee tail, throw it far away, and zee dog would run and fetch it back.

One day Too Lose went to see an old friend of hiz which used to model for him. Her name was Madame Leggert. Her leg did hurt because of her standing still all zee time while e painted her knees. So Too Lose painted her lying down on ze canape instead. 

Zis is zee painting of Madame Leggert lying on zee canape. You weel notice e az stopped painting by her bottom becauze Madame Leggert did not want ze painting too show zee knees.

Too Lose Le Trick liked to visit Ze Moulin Rouge and see zee Can Can dancers so e could paint zeir knees. 

One day, Too Lose Le Trick, waz too close to zee dancing ladies and one of zem accidentalee, on zee purpose, kicked im in zee face and e lost zee monocle. E went down on all fours to search for zee monocle which did zee rolling on zee ground.

Zee Can Can dancers, zey were lifting zeir skirts high up for zee showing of zeir legs and zeir under wear; zey noticed Too Lose low on zee ground looking up at zeir bottoms and zey thought ziz eez veree rude.

Too Lose Le Trick became veree famous for the paintings of zee Can Can dancers and also for painting manee posters of zem too.

I ave also a veree old video of Too Lose Le Trick visiting zee Moulin Rouge and seeing zee Can Can dancers doing zee Can Can. It is not suitable for zee people wiz a nervous dispositions.

Tarzan

 

I was watching an old Tarzan film the other day. You don't often get Tarzan films on TV or the cinema these days. I wonder why. This was an old VHS tape which a friend had transferred to DVD.

Anyway, I was watching it and then it suddenly struck me. I saw something I'd never seen before. Maybe it was that second bottle of whisky that did it. It clears the mind, you know. It makes you think clearly and clears the mind. Helps you concentrate.

I read somewhere that people who do delicate intricate work, like doctors performing delicate operations, scientists working on very accurate to the nth degree work, or people driving machinery; they all have a tot or two of whisky before work to help them concentrate.

A friend of mine who drives a crane on a demolition site always has whisky before work. He swears by it. He is also a Wedding Planner in his spare time. As a special offer he also arranges divorces at the same time.

But I digress, as I often do with whisky. 

I was watching Tarzan and then I had this original thought. When Tom Hanks was stranded on a desert island on that film Cast Away he soon grew a beard.

How come Tarzan never grew a beard? Did he perhaps have an electric shaver? And if so, was it battery operated? Because there is no electricity in the jungle. And where did he buy new batteries from, since he could hardly re-charge the batteries with no electricity?

I took another swig of whisky and had another original thought.

Tarzan is supposed to have been brought up as a baby in the jungle by monkeys. Chimpanzees, I think. Or was it gorillas? I don't know. I don't care. I don't think it matters overall when you're drinking whisky.

But it matters to my original thought. At what point as he grew up did he realise he needed some pants to cover his lower regions? I mean ... the monkeys were naked. So were the hippos, crocodiles, lions and everyone else. He was a baby at the time. As he grew up; where did he get the idea to wear pants? And where did he buy them from? The internet?

I think the film would have been more authentic if he was totally naked. Can you envisage it? Swinging from tree to tree totally nude with his bits swinging in the air.

Jane would look at him and say, "Oh my ... I don't know where to look!" But she'd look anyway to check the small details.

I think Tarzan missed a marketing trick by not being naked. His films would have been much more popular than they are now.

I took another drink of whisky and imagined a conversation between Tarzan and Jane.

What do you think they'd say when they first meet? Don't be shy. Let us know how you imagine the first conversation between those two went. It could be part of a new script for a re-make of the film. Who should play the role of Tarzan do you think?

At the Dentist

 

I was not feeling at all well lately. So I went to the dentist. I told him I have a pain when I walk. I have water on the knee.

He said I was not aiming straight, and laughed.

He then said he was a dentist, not a doctor. Why had I come to see him?

I said I could not make it to the doctor's, so I came to him because he is nearer to my house.

At first he refused to check my knee. I offered to give him a Mars bar and he agreed within minutes.

By the way ... as an aside ...

I do hate it when I interrupt my stories to add an aside ... but this one is important. In fact I can't wait to hear it myself.

As I was talking to the dentist  I got hit on the left by a snail. He hit me just above my left ear; then he rolled to the ground.

"I've been hit by a snail," I cried.

"Yes, they are flying snails," replied the dentist casually pretending there was nothing wrong.

By the way, as an aside ... this is another supplementary aside ... the dentist's name is I Pullem. That's what it said on his door. Rather apt for a dentist, I think.

Back to the original aside story. He said they are flying snails. At that moment another snail came flying through the window. Then another. And another. They kept coming, flying through, at thirty seconds intervals.

I went to the window, avoiding the flying snails, looked out, and there in the front garden was a man with a moustache throwing snails at the window. The moustache is not relevant to the story, but I thought I'd mention it.

"Hey you!" I shouted, because I did not know his name, "why are you throwing snails through the window?"

"Because I can't find any slugs to throw," he replied.

At which point I shut the window and turned my attention to the dentist who was picking up snails from the floor. It turns out he had a long standing dispute with the man with a moustache about some gourmet meal they had shared in a restaurant.

"What is wrong with my painful knee?" I asked.

"How am I supposed to know?" he replied, "I'm a dentist, as I told you. I'll write you a prescription."

"How can you write me a prescription if you do not know what I have got wrong?" I asked.

"Oh ... I've got plenty of prescriptions. I'll start with one to see if it works, then another, and so on. One of them is sure to work and then we'd have a remedy!" he said as he got out his writing pad, "do you prefer pills, a liquid mixture you take with a spoon, or a suppository?"

"Which one is best?" I asked.

"Well, you might need some help with the suppository. You'll need someone with a sense of humour to whom you've been kind lately!" he chortled.

"I'll take the liquid mixture!" I replied without hesitation.

He gave me a bottle he had in his case and I left.

It tasted awful. I poured it down the washbasin in the bathroom. It cleared all the drains. Saved me a fortune on getting a plumber.

Next day I went back to see the dentist and told him I'm feeling a little better. Could I have another bottle ... or two ... or three?

I have now managed to deep clean the toilet. Cleaned the bath tub and shower unit, and the kitchen sink.

I'm saving a fortune on plumbers.

Try A Little Kindness

 

FATHER FRANCIS MAPLE

CLICK HIS WEBSITE

 

IN A TROUBLED WORLD

TRY A LITTLE KINDNESS

 

If you see your brother standing by the road
With a heavy load from the seeds he sowed
And if you see your sister falling by the way
Just stop and say, "You're going the wrong way"

You've got to try a little kindness
Yes, show a little kindness
Just shine your light for everyone to see
And if you try a little kindness
Then you'll overlook the blindness
Of narrow-minded people on the narrow-minded streets

Don't walk around the down and out
Lend a helping hand instead of doubt
And the kindness that you show every day
Will help someone along their way

You got to try a little kindness
Yes, show a little kindness
Just shine your light for everyone to see
And if you try a little kindness
Then you'll overlook the blindness
Of narrow-minded people on the narrow-minded streets

You got to try a little kindness
Yes, show a little kindness
Just shine your light for everyone to see
And if you try a little kindness
Then you'll overlook the blindness
Of narrow-minded people on the narrow-minded streets

NOTES: Father Francis has sung in public over the years (and still does) in malls, shopping centres and at his own concerts and has raised over £1m for charity. He has also written several books (sermons, cooking recipes, jokes), and has contributed (and still does) to many newspaper columns and Catholic newspapers and magazines. He spends a lot of time travelling throughout the UK leading Missions in various Catholic churches. 

Christian Books

 

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Are you unclean?

 

When Jesus had come down from the mountain, great crowds followed Him; and there was a leper who came to Him and knelt before Him, saying, "Lord, if you choose, you can make me clean." He stretched out His hand and touched him, saying, "I do choose. Be made clean!" Immediately his leprosy was cleansed. Then Jesus said to him, "See that you say nothing to anyone; but go, show yourself to the priest, and offer the gift that Moses commanded, as a testimony to them." (Matthew 8:1-4)

Social distancing is nothing new. In them days people with leprosy had to keep their distance from other people. Did you know that Jesus had every right to throw stones at the leper to stop him coming near? In those days it was the done thing. You threw stones to warn the leper not to come too near you.

Can you imagine how lepers felt? Cast out of society. Thrown out by their families. No where to live. No job. No friends. No food. And eventually death by starvation or worse.

One day they were perhaps successful at their job, a family man, raising children and looking forwards to the future. The next day, they contract this terrible illness and they are cast out of this world. Through no fault of their own.

SIDE-LINE NOTES:

Father Damien or Saint Damien of Molokai, was a Catholic priest from Belgium and member of the Congregation of the Sacred Hearts of Jesus and Mary (SS.CC.). He was recognized for his ministry, which he led from 1873 until his death in 1889, in Hawaii for people with leprosy. 

He taught the Catholic faith to the people of Hawaii and also cared for the patients and he established leaders within the community to build houses, schools, roads, hospitals, and churches. He dressed residents' ulcers, built a reservoir, made coffins, dug graves, providing both medical and emotional support.

After eleven years caring for the physical, spiritual, and emotional needs of lepers Father Damien contracted leprosy. He continued with his work despite the infection but finally succumbed to the disease on 15 April 1889.

*******

Today, people are mostly known by what they do rather than who they really are. They say I am a lawyer, architect, carpenter, cleaner or whatever. We are more focussed on status and possessions.

Can you imagine, at the time of the Bible story we've just read, people announcing themselves as "Unclean ... Unclean ..." to warn others not to come too near?

What if this happened to you? Instead of introducing yourself to someone you've just met by giving your name. Or by saying what you do in life. You announce yourself by saying "Keep away. I am unclean. I am a threat to you". You are known by your condition, not by who you really are. No matter who you were in the past, how successful or popular you were; right now you are someone to be avoided.

Yet, in this Gospel story, Jesus astonishes everyone by allowing this leper to approach Him. He even touches him. Onlookers must have thought Jesus had gone mad. Jesus was taking a great risk here. Because according to the law, if an unclean person touches or is touched by a clean person, then the clean person becomes unclean; and he too should be cast away from society. That is why Jesus says to the man after He healed him, say nothing to anyone about this. But the man is so overwhelmed by his healing that he tells everyone. And Jesus has to move away from that area and go travel and preach His mission elsewhere. 

See the same story in Mark 1:40-45, where it reads, "But the man went out and openly began to proclaim and spread the news. Consequently, Jesus could no longer enter a town in plain view, but He stayed out in solitary places."

When Jesus approached him, the man, no doubt confused, hesitantly pleads, "Lord, if you choose, you can make me clean."

Note ... "if you choose". Not "if you can" or "please make me clean"; but "if you choose".

The man knows in his heart that Jesus is all-powerful. That Jesus can perform miracles and can heal him. He no doubt has heard many stories about Jesus. He probably saw Him perform miracles.

Yet he approaches Jesus and whilst seeking for a miraculous healing he adds the conditional, "if you choose".

The leper accepts unconditionally those words in the Lord's Prayer: "Thy will be done!" Do we ever do that? Let's pause and think about this for a while.

Jesus is touched by the leper's faith and heals him.

Do we, when we pray and ask God for favours, or whatever else, ask Him that His will for us, or our loved ones be done? Or do we command Him to do what we ask for?

Is our prayer: Speak Lord your servant is listening. 

Or

Listen Lord, your master is speaking.

My dog is a Counselor

 

I went to see a dog psychiatrist the other day. I did not even know there were such things as dog psychiatrists. She was a nice lady. She asked me how I was. I said, "you know ... it's a dog's life these days!"

She seemed concerned. She asked me, "how long have you felt like that?"

I said, "ever since I was a puppy!"

She said, "get on the couch."

I told her I was not allowed on the couch. 

She asked me if I sleep well at night. Do I stay awake. Unable to sleep. Do I have nightmares. Do I howl at the moon.

She then said, "my husband is a psychiatrist too. He helps people, as opposed to animals which I do. Would you be interested in a group session? My husband and I, and you and your wife?"

I'm not so sure about that. I don't think having all four of us in bed together is a good idea, do you?

She then turned her attention to our dog Fetch. She asked me why I called him Fetch. I said it is to distinguish him from our other dog, Sit. 

She said they were unusual names for dogs. "What did you call your children?" she asked.

"Hey you and Shut up," I replied.

She noticed that my dog had a calming effect on people. She took him out in the yard and put him with a massive ferocious Alsatian which was barking and growling all the time. I thought he'd eat our little Fetch. Instead, the Alsatian whimpered and sat down, yawned, and seemed to go to sleep. Our dog sat next to him.

She tried the same thing with another dog. A yappy little poodle jumping up and down like a demented fish. As soon as she put Fetch in the cage the poodle settled down calmly.

Same thing with two Dobermen. A Boxer and a Greyhound.

"What an amazing dog you have," she said, "he seems to have a calming effect on other dogs."

And that's how my dog now works for her, three days a week, as a Counselor. She puts him with other dogs who seem to become docile and gentle in his company. Maybe he talks to them. I don't know. He is earning more than me as a Counselor telling other dogs what they want to hear.

She suggested I take our dog Fetch to bed at night. "Many people sleep with their pets," she said, "it might help you sleep."

Definitely not for me. I once took my pet to bed with me. The next morning the bed was totally wet and my goldfish had died.

Calling all idiots

 

I have come to the conclusion that the world is full of idiots. I also believe that God loves idiots seeing He has created so many of them.

Let me explain. I'm sure, like me, you often see examples of prize idiots in your daily life. People who would do, say or think something that only an idiot would do, say or think.

Here are a few examples.

I was looking on-line for stainless steel oven trays, or roasting dish, as they are sometimes called. I searched various websites and providers and there was a plethora of choices. Almost every one, in the description of the item, warned: USE OVEN GLOVES WHEN REMOVING ITEM FROM OVEN AS IT WILL BE HOT

What idiot, I wonder, needs telling that? One description had a picture of two hands in oven gloves holding the dish; in case you used plastic washing gloves, or boxing gloves perhaps!

On another occasion, whilst looking for a dress, (NOT FOR ME), they had the warning: KEEP AWAY FROM OPEN FIRES 

A packet of peanuts I bought at the supermarket had the warning: MAY CONTAIN NUTS

I know that some people are allergic to various foods, and I feel very sorry for them, it must be a terrible condition to have. I am sure these people are intelligent enough to know the item they are allergic to. Do we have to insult their intelligence by warning them that a packet of peanuts contains nuts?

I also hate it when, on TV or radio, some idiot expert says something that you cannot contradict. By the time you write in, or text, it is too late. The item has been broadcast and your comment thrown in the delete bin.

The other day on TV someone said that the brain, (he didn't seem to have one), is not the only organ to retain memory. Apparently, someone had a heart transplant. The donor was a carpenter. The recipient of the heart, when healed, became a very adept carpenter even though he had never worked with wood before.

What nonsense. For a start, such a claim contradicts the fact that we have a soul and it is the soul that controls our behaviour. A lot of religions believe we have a soul, and the body is only the outer casing which disintegrates in time as the soul lives on. The brain, heart, liver etc ... are only various components of the body. 

That aside, such a statement by a so-called experts will only lead other people to believe it. Presumably, following this logic, if someone gets a liver transplant from someone who was an alcoholic then he too will become an alcoholic. The medical profession should be made aware of this. And should be grateful to me for bringing this fact to their attention.

Another example: A friend went to see the doctor. The doctor gave him some suppositories and said "put one in your back passage every evening before going to bed". Dutifully, the man put a suppository outside by the back door each evening. A few days later the doctor asked him how he was. He replied, "those suppositories were useless. I might as well have put them up my backside for all the good they did!"

I am sure you, my readers, can think of other examples of idiotic behaviour, warnings, comments on TV or social media, or whatever. In fact I wish you'd share them with us in the comments box below. We can prepare a catalogue of idiocy which we can then bury in a time capsule for future generations to dig up an learn about us.

I have a cardboard shoebox which I have labelled "Time Capsule" so all we need now is to fill it with bits of paper recording modern day idiocy.

Murder in the Monastery

 MY LATEST BOOK

 

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Murder In The Monastery is not only a murder mystery novel. In this book we will explore together such topics as sin, forgiveness, loneliness, old age, suspicion and the inability to prove one's innocence and one's truth.

These and other issues are central as to why would anyone kill a priest and be a threat to others in a cloistered community of monks. Imagine you were in Father Ignatius' place and the finger of suspicion points at you. How can you defend yourself when your mind is playing tricks on you and you don't know what to believe any more?

Modestly priced and available from AMAZON in paperback and KINDLE version.

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Parrots

 

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment... 'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship and your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house... As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying... Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them... After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence... Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says: 'Put the beads away, Peter. Our prayers have been answered!'

NOW CLICK HERE

 

How much do you need Him?

 

PLEASE LISTEN TO THE LYRICS CAREFULLY

'Till the rivers all run dry

'Till the sun falls from the sky
'Till life on earth is through
I'll be needing you
I know sometimes you may wonder

From little things I say and do
But there's no need for you to wonder
If I need you
'Cause I'll need you

'Till the rivers all run dry
'Till the sun falls from the sky
'Till life on earth is through
I'll be needing you

--- Instrumental ---

Too many times I don't tell you
Too many things get in the way
And even though sometimes I hurt you
Still you show me
In every way
'Till the rivers all run dry
'Till the sun falls from the sky
'Till life on earth is through
I'll be needing you

Are you following me?

 

For the past few days there's been someone following me. I went to the library to get a book for my dog and this creature was following me. He carried a large butterfly net. He was not too clever at following me. It was obvious. Every time I turned round he tried to hide. The first time he hid behind a cat. I could still see him. The second time I turned he hid behind a pane of glass two workers were carrying from their van to a nearby shop. He was totally useless at hide-and-seek. I could tell he was following me.

I climbed up a tree. That confused him. When he approached the tree I jumped on him, took his butterfly net and captured him.

I asked him why he was following me. He said he liked what I write but Feedburner will no longer let him follow me after the end of June. He said it was something technical.

So I asked my techie guy. He was too busy fixing my toaster. He explained patiently that in order to make a bacon sandwich I need not put the bacon in the toaster.

As for Feedburner. Apparently some people subscribe to it and get my posts e-mailed to them. I did not know that. It will soon stop e-mailing you if you follow me on Feedburner.

I like your posts. I visit all of you because my techie has put all your Blogs on a file for me entitled Special People. 

I go to the file daily and visit all the Blogs he put there. Whether you have posted anything or not.

Why don't you do the same if you like my Blog? Why not tell other people about my Blog too?

If you don't like my Blog, then let's keep it a secret between us.

Thanx. God bless.