Jocularity Bus

 

A skeleton walks into a bar, sits down and says "I'll have a beer and a mop"

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People that don't eat meat are called vegetarians, but what do you call people that don't eat vegetables? Constipated!

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What do you call a chicken that's afraid of the dark? A chicken.

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Two Peanuts were walking down a dark alley. One was a salted.

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Two little boys are at a wedding when one leans over to other and asks: "How many wives are we allowed to have?"
His friend answered "Sixteen. Four better, four worse, four richer and four poorer!"

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I'm one of those people who can bring traffic to a standstill. By pressing the stop button at pedestrian crossings

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A hungry traveller stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where a brother was frying chips... "Are you the friar?" he asked.
The brother replied "No. I'm the chip monk."

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I went out in the garden to prune a tree. I had my step-ladder with me. I've had my step-ladder for years. I never knew my real ladder. 

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Getting my dad some strong aftershave and a cigarette lighter for Christmas. Can't wait to see his face light up.

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A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners. '
'Go away!' said the old lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. 'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'
The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning.

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A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.
The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel.
They, as expected, gladly accepted the offer, and were on their way.
About a month later the little lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me.

"Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"