A Walk In The Woods

 

I was in France and I volunteered to take little Filou out for a walk in the park and the woods beyond. I was concerned about the responsibility of taking someone else's dog for a walk; but our hosts and friends said, "do not zee woree ... 'e is a obedient dog, 'e will come back when you zee call 'im!"

I took no chances at releasing him; but once in the woods the damned animal shook his head and slipped out of his collar. He escaped as fast as his legs could carry him and despite his age he certainly did not need a walking frame to run away as a sprightly young pup.

I called him, "Filou ... come here ... come here boy ... here ..." but I forgot that the stupid creature did not know a word of English. So I tried again with a French accent, "Filou ... come zee 'ere ... 'ere Filou ... I 'ave zee délicieux KFC leg for toi!"

He ignored me. Possibly preferring frogs' legs to KFC ones; or escargot maybe.

It was getting dark. It was then I met an old man in the woods. He looked like a tramp in his dirty coat and hat. 

I'm not saying he was a tramp. He was just not wearing a tweed jacket or a pin-striped suit made in Saville Row in London. He could have been a rich super-billionaire travelling incognito, for all I know. All I said is he "looked" like a tramp. As do I often, according to my wife. She said I give the impression that she does not care who she is with! Is that a compliment about me, I wonder?

I said, "Hello ... have you seen a dog running here? A small one ... white!"

He looked at me in a confused puzzled expression. I'd forgotten he probably does not speak English. What is it with people abroad? Why can't they learn English?

I said slowly, "HELLO!"

He replied, "'Allo!" in a French accent. I suppose in another country he would have used the accent of that country. But this time it was in French. "Allo!" he said.

At last we were making progress. I then pretended to bark and then motioned with my hands that Filou was small. I almost went down on all fours and then ran on the spot to indicate the dog had ran away.

He shrugged his shoulders and went "Meinhh !!" and walked away. 

As he came close to a tree he just vanished. You normally expect a person to go behind a tree and then appear again as he walked past the tree. Not this guy. He just vanished. Instead, he was replaced by a fox which ran away into the woods screaming in French.

I was desperate to find Filou. I couldn't go back to its owners without him. I kept on walking in the dark woods and every so often shouting "Filou ... Filou ..." in French like a demented tourist in a foreign land. Which I was at the time.

Eventually, I saw the tramp again. 

"'Allo ..." I said remembering to use a French accent, "zee dog ... woof woof ... zee running ..."

He shrugged his shoulders again and kept on walking. As he approached a tree he vanished again and was replaced by a screeching owl which flew towards me and then disappeared in the trees.

A little further on I saw the tramp yet again. Before I could speak he disappeared behind a tree and a deer stood there looking at me.

My imagination was running wild. Faster than Filou did when he escaped. Was this wood haunted? Is this tramp a ghost? Do ghosts speak in accents and are they limited to one language? Or do they understand all languages regardless of where they are? Are those creatures ghosts as well? Can you have fox, owl and deer ghosts? Do animal ghosts exist and speak? In what language and accents? What about Filou? Where the hell is he?

I was dejected and disheartened at the same time. In that order.

I decided to head back home and all the way I was rehearsing in my head how to explain to my hosts that I'd lost their precious dog; and what accent I should use in my explanation.

When I arrived, they said, "Where 'ave you zee been? We all zee veree woree for you ... Filou 'e 'az been 'ere over one hour ago!"